DOI Heft:
March 26, 1870
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16885#0134
March 26, 1870.] PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHAEIVARI. 125
that, according to Ma. Freshlie, I have only myself to blame, not
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. him. J
T , , ., .„ . . .„ . Happy Thought—-To call out to Housemaid, and ask her. " Yes,"
Return home, imagine what it will be. Wife, child m arms, re- she answers, " she do sometimes,—she ain't got no other place "
tainers, dogs, all ready to meet me. Picture—Return of the Wanderer. I appeal to Mr. Freshlie, and say, translating her idiom, " She
Reality.—Nobody here. Wonder what's the matter. hasn't got any other place, you see."
Happy Thought.—Ring bell. No rushing in and saying, "Behold me!" „ ^\ once Qe has the hest °f lt- He 'ooks grave. "Well," says he,
On the contrary, am kept waiting at the gate, and have to ring twice.! we'U 80011 Set 9ver that. VHou like"— (this put emphatically, and
Gardener appears suspiciously. Then a dog barking. Then I am meaning, " You give me the^ order, and I'll run you up a bill in no
recognised; but only as if I'd just been round the corner for five \ "if you like, Sir, I'll take this tiling up here, lay down a
minutes, and had come back again. "Mistress is up in town; will be ' regular set of pipes, which won't interfere with the overflow, and will
down in the evening—to dinner, p'raps; if not, to-morrow." See the take it all off into your ditch at the side, where it won't be no sort of
cook. " There ain't no dinner ordered, Sir." Oh, hang it—here is objection "—(what is he talking about?)—"and then we'll stop up
a welcome to the Weary Traveller! Instant arrangements made for
dinner. Look over the house
Happy Thought.—Scotland stands where it did.—Shakspeare
this place here"—(points with his two-foot rule to the trench, which
he has opened himself)—" and run a drain right away off towards the
lower part, and by placing a bell-trap with clear openings, which '11
Look over the garden : go all round it. Well, how about the drains P w°r,f up and dow.n 80 as it.'n aIwars kfeeP Phar£ed ™th water, and
done much good—if you just come round here." I come round, and Sappy Thought—A good job for him.
am nearly knocked over by an infernal odour which the Inspector of Sappy Thought.—To ask the Gardener, as a witness on my side,
Nuisances had inspected before I left, and turned over to his friend to does he think that if this—(" this " means whatever Mr. Freshlie
obviate with pipes and bell-traps, and gutters, and ditches, and sinks, has been talking about)—is done, we shan't be bothered any more with
and a disestablishment of pig-styes. i the nuisance ?
Happy Thought.—-What rhymes to " sinks ? " Happy Thought.—i. e. with Mr. Freshlie and his bill.
Happy {but angry) Thought.—Send for Mr. Freshlie, i.e., Inspector's Gardener says, " Yes, he thinks that '11 be all right; " but he doesn't
friend; builder, &c. : " &c." means everything. There's nothing that comTmlt himself more decidedly.
Mr. Freshlie, 1 find on inquiry, does not profess to do. When once When 1 ridoline arrives next day, she complains of there being
I get him on to my estate (four acres and a shrubbery of uncertain nothing but nasty men digging, and sawing, and hammering, about
tenure) I find from his account that something wants doing in every the Place- 1 P°mt out that it is for sanitary reasons. Then she
direction, and that it all comes in his line of business. Locks, blinds, returns, What was the good of your going to Aix ? '
chimneys, carpentry, drains, wire-work, gravel paths, stones, cement,
pond cleaning, hedging, ditching, tanks, pumps, in fact he makes no
difficulty about anything at all.
He is a lively, burly, impressive, honest-mannered man, who floors
me with technicalities in the presence of my gardener (who pretends
Happy Thought.—Drop the subject.
DURHAM GEESE AND DONKEYS.
he understands all about it as well as Mr Freshlie, and follows him , Thctjgh Durham is famed for its mustard, the Durhamites are not
silently, addressing him with an occasional nod of corroboration) and, al] mustard-mongers. Part of them have no business of their own to
when he answers, in person, my message m the morning is for taking mind and th or some of them, have been corresponding in the
up the paths and opening the brick work, and knocking this down, ana Sou(A Durham Mercury on the querv whether Mr. Carlyle is a Pan-
putting that up in another place by way of a preliminary inquiry into theist> a mr j. q Douglas, of Hartlepool, no doubt with the
the state ot the case. ^ object of getting Mr. Carlyle to shut simpletons up, wrote to him,
Happy TJwught.—lo say, "But your new drains which you were to putting the unreserved, but, under the circumstances, doubtless not
have put in before I left for Aachen"—(Aachen has no effect upon him impertinent question, "Are you a Pantheist?" Mr. Carlyle,
whatever)—" when I was so ill "—(he is perfectly undisturbed)—"they" replied in a note, " No, never was; nor a PoMheist either: " and he
(the drains) "were to have obviated"—(" obviated " doesn't take him might have referred the Durham geese to his collocation of "the beer-
aback one bit)—" the nuisance. Weren't they?" I put this to him pot and the Devil." But some blades are not sharp enough to draw
in a question which he must answer honestly in the affirmative. even the plainest inference.
He is ready with his reply. "Just so, Sir"—(Gardener puts his arms Who knows not great Pan is dead, may not know Queen Anne is
akimbo, and watches the case for the defence)—"only you'll see at dead. Such may be the case of the Durhamites, who have been imput-
once, Sir, where the mischief is." He appeals to my keen perception in mg Pantheism to Mr. Carlyle. But what could have put the idea of
drainage questions. But I won't be flattered, and am not to be put his Pantheism into their heads ? Perhaps some avowal which he may
off the scent, &c. j have made of a partiality for Pancakes ; possibly some report that he
is accustomed religiously to eat them on Shrove Tuesday. In that
case Pancakes have occasioned a lot of pudding-headed people to fritter
away their time.
The only particular persuasion to which a bias is betrayed in any of
Thomas op Chelsea's writings is that of Hero-Worship, and it is a
wonder that the Durham wiseacres had not so much more wisdom thau
acreage as to call him a Herolater. Perhaps the noodles by whom he
Happy Thought.—Wish I could be put off the scent.
" Well, Sir," he continues, " if you '11 just step this way "—we step
this way, he, I, and the Gardener, and we find five of Freshlie's men
at work with pickaxes, who, having taken up a lot of tiles in the rear
of the house, are now standing in a trench of their own making.
"Now, Sir, here's the mischief, you see"—he points with a two-foot
rule down into the trench. I look in closely,—gardener also less
closely. I have a sort of idea that they are winking at one another j has been called a Pantheist are themselves " Pautilers."
(Gardener and Mr. Freshlie) over my back. I am sure the
labourers are grinning: I am at a disadvantage, unless I join them,
and wink too. It occurs to me now that " winks" rhymes to
" siaks."
Happy Thought.—Stick obstinately to the fact that the horrid nuisance
which he had professed to remove still exists.
"Well?" I ask.
" Well, Sir, if you look here," i.e., in the trench, " you'll see a pipe."
I do. " Now this 'ere pipe communicates with the kitchen somehow,
and part of it was at one time or another cut off—'cos I knew the
tarty as did it—but in what direction I can't exactly tell, unless
by taking up the tiles on this side, and opening up the yard towards
the stable, as it's not unlikely that the running in may be from where
the old pigstyes were, unless the slops are emptied above and overflow
from the small cistern into the gutter pipe—1 've known such things
afore now—in which case o' course it's very easily accounted for; you
don't know if they do that, Sir ? "
No, I don't. He wants to throw the blame on the servants ; if he is
right, that is if they do empty slops into the cistern, and if the pipe
does carry them down, and if, &c, &c, then it follows that / am to
blame. Qui facit per alium facit per se, I know; so it's clear that if
my agents empty slops, it's the same thing as if / emptied slops : so
All's Well that Ends Well.
Great satisfaction was felt at the final announcement, looked for
with some anxiety, that the Lord Mayor would attend the ceremony
of opening Kingston Bridge free of toll, the difference between his
Lordship and the Municipal authorities of that town, whatever it was,
having happily been bridged over.
Safety Trains.
It turns out to be untrue that a train conveying the Prince and
Princess op Wales the other day narrowly escaped a collision. No
accident ever does occur to a Royal Train, because proper precautions
are always taken that none shall. It is liberal of Railway Companies
not to charge ordinary passengers by Royal Trains extra for safety.
Heading op a Newspaper Article.—" The March of the (Ecu-
menical Council."
Obvious reflection thereupon—Not the March of Intellect.
that, according to Ma. Freshlie, I have only myself to blame, not
MORE HAPPY THOUGHTS. him. J
T , , ., .„ . . .„ . Happy Thought—-To call out to Housemaid, and ask her. " Yes,"
Return home, imagine what it will be. Wife, child m arms, re- she answers, " she do sometimes,—she ain't got no other place "
tainers, dogs, all ready to meet me. Picture—Return of the Wanderer. I appeal to Mr. Freshlie, and say, translating her idiom, " She
Reality.—Nobody here. Wonder what's the matter. hasn't got any other place, you see."
Happy Thought.—Ring bell. No rushing in and saying, "Behold me!" „ ^\ once Qe has the hest °f lt- He 'ooks grave. "Well," says he,
On the contrary, am kept waiting at the gate, and have to ring twice.! we'U 80011 Set 9ver that. VHou like"— (this put emphatically, and
Gardener appears suspiciously. Then a dog barking. Then I am meaning, " You give me the^ order, and I'll run you up a bill in no
recognised; but only as if I'd just been round the corner for five \ "if you like, Sir, I'll take this tiling up here, lay down a
minutes, and had come back again. "Mistress is up in town; will be ' regular set of pipes, which won't interfere with the overflow, and will
down in the evening—to dinner, p'raps; if not, to-morrow." See the take it all off into your ditch at the side, where it won't be no sort of
cook. " There ain't no dinner ordered, Sir." Oh, hang it—here is objection "—(what is he talking about?)—"and then we'll stop up
a welcome to the Weary Traveller! Instant arrangements made for
dinner. Look over the house
Happy Thought.—Scotland stands where it did.—Shakspeare
this place here"—(points with his two-foot rule to the trench, which
he has opened himself)—" and run a drain right away off towards the
lower part, and by placing a bell-trap with clear openings, which '11
Look over the garden : go all round it. Well, how about the drains P w°r,f up and dow.n 80 as it.'n aIwars kfeeP Phar£ed ™th water, and
done much good—if you just come round here." I come round, and Sappy Thought—A good job for him.
am nearly knocked over by an infernal odour which the Inspector of Sappy Thought.—To ask the Gardener, as a witness on my side,
Nuisances had inspected before I left, and turned over to his friend to does he think that if this—(" this " means whatever Mr. Freshlie
obviate with pipes and bell-traps, and gutters, and ditches, and sinks, has been talking about)—is done, we shan't be bothered any more with
and a disestablishment of pig-styes. i the nuisance ?
Happy Thought.—-What rhymes to " sinks ? " Happy Thought.—i. e. with Mr. Freshlie and his bill.
Happy {but angry) Thought.—Send for Mr. Freshlie, i.e., Inspector's Gardener says, " Yes, he thinks that '11 be all right; " but he doesn't
friend; builder, &c. : " &c." means everything. There's nothing that comTmlt himself more decidedly.
Mr. Freshlie, 1 find on inquiry, does not profess to do. When once When 1 ridoline arrives next day, she complains of there being
I get him on to my estate (four acres and a shrubbery of uncertain nothing but nasty men digging, and sawing, and hammering, about
tenure) I find from his account that something wants doing in every the Place- 1 P°mt out that it is for sanitary reasons. Then she
direction, and that it all comes in his line of business. Locks, blinds, returns, What was the good of your going to Aix ? '
chimneys, carpentry, drains, wire-work, gravel paths, stones, cement,
pond cleaning, hedging, ditching, tanks, pumps, in fact he makes no
difficulty about anything at all.
He is a lively, burly, impressive, honest-mannered man, who floors
me with technicalities in the presence of my gardener (who pretends
Happy Thought.—Drop the subject.
DURHAM GEESE AND DONKEYS.
he understands all about it as well as Mr Freshlie, and follows him , Thctjgh Durham is famed for its mustard, the Durhamites are not
silently, addressing him with an occasional nod of corroboration) and, al] mustard-mongers. Part of them have no business of their own to
when he answers, in person, my message m the morning is for taking mind and th or some of them, have been corresponding in the
up the paths and opening the brick work, and knocking this down, ana Sou(A Durham Mercury on the querv whether Mr. Carlyle is a Pan-
putting that up in another place by way of a preliminary inquiry into theist> a mr j. q Douglas, of Hartlepool, no doubt with the
the state ot the case. ^ object of getting Mr. Carlyle to shut simpletons up, wrote to him,
Happy TJwught.—lo say, "But your new drains which you were to putting the unreserved, but, under the circumstances, doubtless not
have put in before I left for Aachen"—(Aachen has no effect upon him impertinent question, "Are you a Pantheist?" Mr. Carlyle,
whatever)—" when I was so ill "—(he is perfectly undisturbed)—"they" replied in a note, " No, never was; nor a PoMheist either: " and he
(the drains) "were to have obviated"—(" obviated " doesn't take him might have referred the Durham geese to his collocation of "the beer-
aback one bit)—" the nuisance. Weren't they?" I put this to him pot and the Devil." But some blades are not sharp enough to draw
in a question which he must answer honestly in the affirmative. even the plainest inference.
He is ready with his reply. "Just so, Sir"—(Gardener puts his arms Who knows not great Pan is dead, may not know Queen Anne is
akimbo, and watches the case for the defence)—"only you'll see at dead. Such may be the case of the Durhamites, who have been imput-
once, Sir, where the mischief is." He appeals to my keen perception in mg Pantheism to Mr. Carlyle. But what could have put the idea of
drainage questions. But I won't be flattered, and am not to be put his Pantheism into their heads ? Perhaps some avowal which he may
off the scent, &c. j have made of a partiality for Pancakes ; possibly some report that he
is accustomed religiously to eat them on Shrove Tuesday. In that
case Pancakes have occasioned a lot of pudding-headed people to fritter
away their time.
The only particular persuasion to which a bias is betrayed in any of
Thomas op Chelsea's writings is that of Hero-Worship, and it is a
wonder that the Durham wiseacres had not so much more wisdom thau
acreage as to call him a Herolater. Perhaps the noodles by whom he
Happy Thought.—Wish I could be put off the scent.
" Well, Sir," he continues, " if you '11 just step this way "—we step
this way, he, I, and the Gardener, and we find five of Freshlie's men
at work with pickaxes, who, having taken up a lot of tiles in the rear
of the house, are now standing in a trench of their own making.
"Now, Sir, here's the mischief, you see"—he points with a two-foot
rule down into the trench. I look in closely,—gardener also less
closely. I have a sort of idea that they are winking at one another j has been called a Pantheist are themselves " Pautilers."
(Gardener and Mr. Freshlie) over my back. I am sure the
labourers are grinning: I am at a disadvantage, unless I join them,
and wink too. It occurs to me now that " winks" rhymes to
" siaks."
Happy Thought.—Stick obstinately to the fact that the horrid nuisance
which he had professed to remove still exists.
"Well?" I ask.
" Well, Sir, if you look here," i.e., in the trench, " you'll see a pipe."
I do. " Now this 'ere pipe communicates with the kitchen somehow,
and part of it was at one time or another cut off—'cos I knew the
tarty as did it—but in what direction I can't exactly tell, unless
by taking up the tiles on this side, and opening up the yard towards
the stable, as it's not unlikely that the running in may be from where
the old pigstyes were, unless the slops are emptied above and overflow
from the small cistern into the gutter pipe—1 've known such things
afore now—in which case o' course it's very easily accounted for; you
don't know if they do that, Sir ? "
No, I don't. He wants to throw the blame on the servants ; if he is
right, that is if they do empty slops into the cistern, and if the pipe
does carry them down, and if, &c, &c, then it follows that / am to
blame. Qui facit per alium facit per se, I know; so it's clear that if
my agents empty slops, it's the same thing as if / emptied slops : so
All's Well that Ends Well.
Great satisfaction was felt at the final announcement, looked for
with some anxiety, that the Lord Mayor would attend the ceremony
of opening Kingston Bridge free of toll, the difference between his
Lordship and the Municipal authorities of that town, whatever it was,
having happily been bridged over.
Safety Trains.
It turns out to be untrue that a train conveying the Prince and
Princess op Wales the other day narrowly escaped a collision. No
accident ever does occur to a Royal Train, because proper precautions
are always taken that none shall. It is liberal of Railway Companies
not to charge ordinary passengers by Royal Trains extra for safety.
Heading op a Newspaper Article.—" The March of the (Ecu-
menical Council."
Obvious reflection thereupon—Not the March of Intellect.