Punch (58.1870)

240 . PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [June 11, isro.

HORRIBLE REVELATIONS.

(Paterfamilias has Purchased the Lease of a Picturesque Old Ramshackle Red-Brick House, which is undergoing Repair.)

" Think you seed one of'em a crorling along the winder ? Ah ! jest you wait till you Ve been and slep' 'ere for a hour or two ! Why,
wood-panelling, hoak in particular, is more liable nor anything for sich as them to harbour, and they accumulates tremenjous. and you never
gets rid of 'em, try what you will! If you was to take down this 'ere panel, tho' there haint so much as room for the hedge of a carviu'-
knife betwix' the wood and the bricks be'ind, you'd find 'em clustered as thick as grapes ! Ah ! and it you was jest to blow a puff o' your
cigar on 'em, they stand up straight on their 'ind legs, and look at you jest like a regiment o' sogers ! " Chorus. '' 0 ! Papa !"

SIGNS OF THE TIMES.

We are wiser than our ancestors, with their witches and their warlocks,
And their ghosts that whipped through key-holes, and their spirits that

laughed at door-locks,
And the exorcists who laid them, with bell and book and candle,
And the miracle-mongering monk, who on the fiend's neck set his

sandal.

We have ceased to believe in alchemy, transmutation, and astrology :
And we don't say " Sr.op ! " to Science, when it contradicts theology :
And Huxley has no need to fear Bruno's fate, or Galileo's,
And primary cells and nerve-force veneramur sicut Deos.

Of the marches of mind and morals, we esteem the march of mind
most;

And our motto in life and business is " Devil take the hindmost! "
And we've discovered a talisman called " Competitive Examination,"
To draw our collective wisdom to the service of the nation :

And our women are all on the qui vive, with the men in active hos-
tilities,

For doing away with the differences of sex, and its disabilities ;

And Lady Amberley lectures, and Pb.ofessob.inn Fawcett preaches,

That males have exclusive right to not even so much as breeches.

Labour's at odds with Capital, m&n with woman, matter with mind—
To prove that if two folks ride on a horse, neither ought to ride behind.
And so nicely we've balanced Self-government against Centralisation,
Each neutralises the other, and both are in stagnation.

Here 'a Home in Belgravian drawing-rooms flies by miracle up to the
ceiling:

And carries hot coals on pate or palm, no inconvenience feeling
And the hands of the departed calls up underneath the table,
Which to put a cheque into his, now and then—if the Court would let
them—are able.

And here's Dr. Newton, out-Homing Home, and curing folks'
diseases,

Giving blind and dumb, aud deaf and halt, eyes, ears, tongues, legs as
he pleases :

By laying his hands upon them, and bidding their ailments begone,
And doing it all for love, and not money—the downy one !

And for all our march of intellect, and our monarchy of mind.

There's never a Reynard tlie Fox, bur, he draws his tail of fools behind;

And there's never a quack that quacks, but he finds green geese to

echo his quacking,
And never a swindler that lowers his trawl, and finds the flat-fish

lacking!

Police Notice.

Mr. Punch begs to apprise a certain class of correspondent that he
has already received 117 letters, containing what is considered by the
writers a joke on the name of " Gamos," the winner of the Oaks, who
is of course called a " game 'oss." He will place any future epistles
of the kind in the hands of the police. It may be convenient to add,
that a Magistrate is not at liberty to bail such offenders.

Tell Hee, Somebody.—Mbs. Kamsbotham says that she can't
understand why there is so much small-pox in Paris, seeing that the
Emperob lias for so many years adopted a vaccinating policy.