DOI issue:
June 18, 1870
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16885#0256
June 18, x870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 249
" WHOM THE CAP PITS."
There once was an Oxford Professor,
Not so often attacked as aggressor,
Whose sharp pen and sharp tongue,
Ink and scorn freely flung,
On alJ who displeased their possessor.
His chair was of Modern History ;
His lectures were bilious and Misterv ;
When he'd served out the dead,
On the living he laid,
With as small heed of mercy as mystery.
Cantank'rous, contemptuous, and clever,
From his height he gauged human endeavour,
And enthroned o'er the throng
Showed where others were wrong.
But himself never went astray-—never !
So hot hard and heavy he hit folks.
That, e'en while admiring his wit, folks
Made wry mouths o'er the gall,
That embittered it all,
Till his truth, like malignity, bit folks.
But ne'er was his scalpel more busy
Than while he was cutting up Dizzy :
With hard words he bemauled him ;
And bad names he called him ;
And on this theme from frigid waxed fizzy.
But when sprightly Lothair, dans son essor,
Slyly showed up an Oxfprd Professor—
Who talks in a strain
Self-sufficient and vain,
That would fit Rhadamanthus' assessor—
In a word, when the freedoms retorting,
To which Gold win was free in resorth.g,
Dizzy counters on Smith,
With point, pepper, and pith,
The Professor straight sets up a snorting !
Claps on the cap Dizzy has woven—
Though to own it in no way behoven—
Shouts, " See what he's done—
This son of a gun !—
To the midriff who ought to be cloven :
" ' Social parasite !' that's what he styles me !
"Tis lucky nought he can say riles me !
The vile wretch !—well he knows
I will pull his Jew nose,
If in my own name he defiles me !
" Mind, I'm not the least bit in a passion—
Though I write in this rather hot fashion:
The attack has no sting,
Which, thus calm, back I fling,
And ' Coward !' his brazen face dash on ! "
If his shaft be indeed so unpointed,
And your armour so perfectly jointed,
You ought to have laughed
If you sent back the shaft,
Nor your barb with such venom anointed !
Those at whom dirt is flung back will pelt, it;
If it hits, look as if you ne'er smelt it:
When those bowls who play
Meet a rub, the worst way
Is, by wincing, to show that you've felt it.
New Book for the Season.
Shortly will be published, as a companion to Juventus Mundi,
Juventus Wednesday, or, How We Went to the Derby in 1870. By the
Bight Hon. W. E Glad.-tone. Correct Cards for Goodwood, with
Portraits. The Gladstone Hamper, the Gladstone Dustcoat (reversible),
in preparation for the Brighton and Goodwood. Early application
necessary.
in two words.
Otjb Police System and the Housebreakers' System—Bunglery and
Burglary.
AN EXAMPLE TO GREECE.
The Messrs. Bonell (uncle and nephew) lately captured by
brigands near Gibraltar, having Ween released, on payment of their
ransom of £5,000, the Spanish Guardia Civile waylaid the brigands,
killed three out of four, and recovered the ransom.
This it is to have a Government that really understands a thing!
Spain has so long robbed her creditors abroad, that she is quite equal
to robbing her brigands at home.
Besides, sbe won't stand " the untradesmanlike falsehood — the
same concern." Her Government keeps the right of robbing in its
own hands—and see how it answers ! The Spanish Government cau
make Spanish brigands disgorge, but who can enforce disgorging on
the Spanish Government?
Even the British Government has acquiesced in the pillage by
Spanish officers and officials of the unfortunate crew of the Tornado,
55 British sailors, who, after being robbed of chronometers, clothes,
tools, and money, to the value of £1,093, and imprisoned and ill-treated
for eighteen months besides, have been reduced to accept a paltry
compensation of £1,500 among them—Lord Clarendon, to the eternal
disgrace of our Government, having declined to insist on more.
There never was a case in which the British Lion has eaten more
dirt than this of the Tornado.
We are glad to see that while Mr. Eorbes Campbell, as agent
of this ill-starred crew, is fain to accept the miserable £1,500, which
does not represent more than the actual value of the property stolen
from these British subjects—leaving them altogether uncompensated
for their ill-treatment, detention, and consequent losses—he does not
abandon their other claims on the Spanish Government.
Few things are more striking, and sad, than the contrast, between
the "tall talk" of Lokd Clarendon apropos of the murder of three
English travellers of family by the Greek brigands, and his apathy over
the robbery, imprisonment, and ill-usage of 55 unoffending British sea-
men—none of whom had the luck to count a nobleman or a Minister
among his connections—by the Spanish Government.
But does not this same Tornado case show—like the case of the
Bonells—how much better the Spanish Government understands
robbery than the Greek?
The Greek Government winks at brigandage : the Spanish Govern-
ment practises it.
The Greek officials are content to share the plunder with the rob-
bers : the Spanish officials transfer it bodily from the robbers' hands to
their own.
The Greek Government gets bullied and threatened with the exaction
of compensation for losses it has not profited by: the Spanish
officials and officers are allowed to pocket their plunder, and the
English Foreign Minister refuses to endorse the complaint of their
victims.
The Spanish Guardia- Civile have recovered Messrs. Bonell's
ransom. We have not yet heard how much of it has found its way
back to the Messrs. Bonells.
We suspect the Bonells will find that the Bone -alls— alias the
Spanish officials—have been beforehand with them. But even if the
Bonells don't get back a farthing, one thing we should recommend
them not to do—that is, appeal to the Foreign Office, or they will be
pretty sure to find, as the crew of the Tornado have done, delay, impu-
tation, and insult added to injury. They will not only have to put up
with the loss of their money, but be told, in effect, if not in terms, that
"it serves them right."
UNINTELLIGIBLE.
" Milto Teklnike—Theopbrastus—the Reddle also is of two kinds, the
native and the factitious—Hill. Milto of Art—Artificial Milton—Miltos of
the Greeks.—Genuine ground White Lead &c."
Will some one have the goodness to explain the meaning of this
mysterious advertisement with its bewildering references to Theo-
phrasttjs and Milton ("artificial" indeed!) and Hill, and the
Greeks ? The mention of white lead and other common-sense articles,
and the subscription of a business-like address, preclude the idea
that it is the composition o'a lunatic on a Spiritualist. Our sleepless
weazel suggests (and if right, a feat, in conversational art justifies
notice of the device) that in making us ask its meaning, it answers its
purpose.
National Suicide.
" Italia felo de se" remarked Mrs. Malaprop, misquoting a well-
known saying in reference to Italy. It is probable, though, that, if
the Italian revolutionists could have their way, Italy would, indeed,
very soon do for herself.
Fenians' Telegram to their Friends.— Venimm, vidimus, victi
sumus.
" WHOM THE CAP PITS."
There once was an Oxford Professor,
Not so often attacked as aggressor,
Whose sharp pen and sharp tongue,
Ink and scorn freely flung,
On alJ who displeased their possessor.
His chair was of Modern History ;
His lectures were bilious and Misterv ;
When he'd served out the dead,
On the living he laid,
With as small heed of mercy as mystery.
Cantank'rous, contemptuous, and clever,
From his height he gauged human endeavour,
And enthroned o'er the throng
Showed where others were wrong.
But himself never went astray-—never !
So hot hard and heavy he hit folks.
That, e'en while admiring his wit, folks
Made wry mouths o'er the gall,
That embittered it all,
Till his truth, like malignity, bit folks.
But ne'er was his scalpel more busy
Than while he was cutting up Dizzy :
With hard words he bemauled him ;
And bad names he called him ;
And on this theme from frigid waxed fizzy.
But when sprightly Lothair, dans son essor,
Slyly showed up an Oxfprd Professor—
Who talks in a strain
Self-sufficient and vain,
That would fit Rhadamanthus' assessor—
In a word, when the freedoms retorting,
To which Gold win was free in resorth.g,
Dizzy counters on Smith,
With point, pepper, and pith,
The Professor straight sets up a snorting !
Claps on the cap Dizzy has woven—
Though to own it in no way behoven—
Shouts, " See what he's done—
This son of a gun !—
To the midriff who ought to be cloven :
" ' Social parasite !' that's what he styles me !
"Tis lucky nought he can say riles me !
The vile wretch !—well he knows
I will pull his Jew nose,
If in my own name he defiles me !
" Mind, I'm not the least bit in a passion—
Though I write in this rather hot fashion:
The attack has no sting,
Which, thus calm, back I fling,
And ' Coward !' his brazen face dash on ! "
If his shaft be indeed so unpointed,
And your armour so perfectly jointed,
You ought to have laughed
If you sent back the shaft,
Nor your barb with such venom anointed !
Those at whom dirt is flung back will pelt, it;
If it hits, look as if you ne'er smelt it:
When those bowls who play
Meet a rub, the worst way
Is, by wincing, to show that you've felt it.
New Book for the Season.
Shortly will be published, as a companion to Juventus Mundi,
Juventus Wednesday, or, How We Went to the Derby in 1870. By the
Bight Hon. W. E Glad.-tone. Correct Cards for Goodwood, with
Portraits. The Gladstone Hamper, the Gladstone Dustcoat (reversible),
in preparation for the Brighton and Goodwood. Early application
necessary.
in two words.
Otjb Police System and the Housebreakers' System—Bunglery and
Burglary.
AN EXAMPLE TO GREECE.
The Messrs. Bonell (uncle and nephew) lately captured by
brigands near Gibraltar, having Ween released, on payment of their
ransom of £5,000, the Spanish Guardia Civile waylaid the brigands,
killed three out of four, and recovered the ransom.
This it is to have a Government that really understands a thing!
Spain has so long robbed her creditors abroad, that she is quite equal
to robbing her brigands at home.
Besides, sbe won't stand " the untradesmanlike falsehood — the
same concern." Her Government keeps the right of robbing in its
own hands—and see how it answers ! The Spanish Government cau
make Spanish brigands disgorge, but who can enforce disgorging on
the Spanish Government?
Even the British Government has acquiesced in the pillage by
Spanish officers and officials of the unfortunate crew of the Tornado,
55 British sailors, who, after being robbed of chronometers, clothes,
tools, and money, to the value of £1,093, and imprisoned and ill-treated
for eighteen months besides, have been reduced to accept a paltry
compensation of £1,500 among them—Lord Clarendon, to the eternal
disgrace of our Government, having declined to insist on more.
There never was a case in which the British Lion has eaten more
dirt than this of the Tornado.
We are glad to see that while Mr. Eorbes Campbell, as agent
of this ill-starred crew, is fain to accept the miserable £1,500, which
does not represent more than the actual value of the property stolen
from these British subjects—leaving them altogether uncompensated
for their ill-treatment, detention, and consequent losses—he does not
abandon their other claims on the Spanish Government.
Few things are more striking, and sad, than the contrast, between
the "tall talk" of Lokd Clarendon apropos of the murder of three
English travellers of family by the Greek brigands, and his apathy over
the robbery, imprisonment, and ill-usage of 55 unoffending British sea-
men—none of whom had the luck to count a nobleman or a Minister
among his connections—by the Spanish Government.
But does not this same Tornado case show—like the case of the
Bonells—how much better the Spanish Government understands
robbery than the Greek?
The Greek Government winks at brigandage : the Spanish Govern-
ment practises it.
The Greek officials are content to share the plunder with the rob-
bers : the Spanish officials transfer it bodily from the robbers' hands to
their own.
The Greek Government gets bullied and threatened with the exaction
of compensation for losses it has not profited by: the Spanish
officials and officers are allowed to pocket their plunder, and the
English Foreign Minister refuses to endorse the complaint of their
victims.
The Spanish Guardia- Civile have recovered Messrs. Bonell's
ransom. We have not yet heard how much of it has found its way
back to the Messrs. Bonells.
We suspect the Bonells will find that the Bone -alls— alias the
Spanish officials—have been beforehand with them. But even if the
Bonells don't get back a farthing, one thing we should recommend
them not to do—that is, appeal to the Foreign Office, or they will be
pretty sure to find, as the crew of the Tornado have done, delay, impu-
tation, and insult added to injury. They will not only have to put up
with the loss of their money, but be told, in effect, if not in terms, that
"it serves them right."
UNINTELLIGIBLE.
" Milto Teklnike—Theopbrastus—the Reddle also is of two kinds, the
native and the factitious—Hill. Milto of Art—Artificial Milton—Miltos of
the Greeks.—Genuine ground White Lead &c."
Will some one have the goodness to explain the meaning of this
mysterious advertisement with its bewildering references to Theo-
phrasttjs and Milton ("artificial" indeed!) and Hill, and the
Greeks ? The mention of white lead and other common-sense articles,
and the subscription of a business-like address, preclude the idea
that it is the composition o'a lunatic on a Spiritualist. Our sleepless
weazel suggests (and if right, a feat, in conversational art justifies
notice of the device) that in making us ask its meaning, it answers its
purpose.
National Suicide.
" Italia felo de se" remarked Mrs. Malaprop, misquoting a well-
known saying in reference to Italy. It is probable, though, that, if
the Italian revolutionists could have their way, Italy would, indeed,
very soon do for herself.
Fenians' Telegram to their Friends.— Venimm, vidimus, victi
sumus.