Punch (63.1872)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [July 6, 1872.

PUNCH'S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

onday, June 24.—Me. Botjverie accused Me,
Gladstone of being a Smuggler. The Premier
—* had, said Mr. Bouverie, smuggled the Bishops'
Resignation Bill through the House, in a pre-
cipitate manner. For which Mr. Gladstone rebuked him, but did
not garnish his speech after the fashion of Dirk Hatteraick and
the like, which was to be regretted, as Mr. Gladstone's copia
verborum might have been illustrated in a novel fashion. He
should have told Mr. Botjverie to cut ben whids and stow them,
as a gentry cove of the Ken does not patter family lingo. Also
have sworn.

Army Estimates were taken, and very rude things were said about
the Militia, who do not appear, like Bounty in the copybook, to
Command Respect. Yet they would be very terrible to an enemy
who was in the habit of washing himself. Touching the Volunteers,
Lord Elcho thought the new rules too stringent, and that the
public expected too much from the Volunteers. He admitted that
they were not fit to face a Prussian regiment. Let us make them
fit, and then there will be no foe for whom they will not be a match.

Tuesday.—The Lords polished off the Ballot Bill, according to
their lights, and it was sent back to the Commons, with what result
will be seen. The latter House does not feel, with Society in other
days,—

" Let a Lord but touch the glowing lines,

How the wit brightens, and the sense refines."

Some of the Commons were very anxious to get upon the subject
of Mr. Justice Keogh's judgment in the Galway case, but Mr.
Gladstone declines to hurry matters. Now Justice Keogh is
shortly going on circuit, and there is no saying to what savagery the
priesthood he has castigated may not excite the clowns who obey it.
If the Irish Government does not wish to be called to the heaviest
account it has ever had to meet, it will take due precautionary
measures.

The Mines Bill made progress. Mr. 0. Morgan objected to mine-
owners being regarded as Molochs, who love to ill-use children.
On an amendment, which Home-Secretary Bruce declared would
make it impossible to enforce the law in 99 cases out of 100, our
" strong Government" was defeated by 185 to 170, and the amend-
ment was carried. Note this.

Mr. Gladstone declined to establish a British Protectorate at
Fiji, and the House supported him by 135 to 84. He does not wish
Britannia to obtain any more dominions. Well, his is a safe
policy, but it is not the policy which has made her great.

The Bill for allowing Dissenters to bury one another in church-
yards was got rid of. Let them go on living always, to spite the
House and our good friend Mr. W. J. Thoms, who puts down
centenarians.

Wednesday.—The lawyers slaughtered a Bill intended to make
conveyancing cheaper. They said that it would not work. But they
might have allowed us to try.

The House threw out a Bill for enabling laymen to preach in
churches. Dreadful pictures were drawn of possible occurrences,
and the champions of the Church unconsciously satirised its clergy
by urging that they might admit to their pulpits the Pope, Brahmins,
Bores, and public Entertainers.

Thursday.—Came good news. The Three Arbitrators, the repre-
sentatives of Italy, Brazil, and Switzerland, had, it was announced,
decided that the Indirect Claims were totally inadmissible. We

drink to the health of the Three. The Americans, after consulta-
tion with their Government, accepted the decision, and Lord
Tenterden, for England, withdrew his request for a long adjourn-
ment. So the Washington Treaty is upheld, and discussion, under
its provisions, begins in the middle of July. There—and now was
not Mr. Punch the rightest of all prophets when he depicted the
Indirect Claims as a sham and a humbug, which the Americans
meant to explode when the right time should come ?

Whether we shall hear of the Claims any more—whether they are
abandoned only as regards this Arbitration — well asked, Ma.
Disraeli. Why, Sir, that depends upon whether " Attorney-ism"
should see any advantage to be gained, thereby. Sufficient for the
day is the bother thereof. Punch begs leave to interpolate a
deserved compliment to you, Mr. Disraeli, for the admirable and
statesmanlike way in which you have behaved to the Government
during the course of these American negotiations. Vou have kept
the Cabinet on the qui vive, but you have never harassed it. So we
reward you by making you the principal figure in another Historical
Cartoon, which has nothing to do with America. Our treatment of
the theme may seem satirical, but that is a mere detail. We delight
to set you on high among the people. And we are sure that another
" people," whose best friend Mr. Punch has ever been when they
wanted friends, will be enchanted with our other witty but good-
natured illustration of your Crystal Palace Address to the Con-
servatives. As Mr. John Reeve, the younger, said in an immortal
burlesque—he assumed the tone of one who has refreshed himself
in excess:—

" Let's all love one another. What a place

This world would be if that could be the case !

Yes, love each other like the innocent lambs

Sporting about beside their blessed dams.

Yes, I said dams. Sir, I don't care a jot.

Do you {furiously) believe I love you. Sir, or not? "

Friday.—The frescoes in the Victoria Gallery are giving signs of
decay, but this can be arrested, and the process will commence
forthwith. The sooner the better. Maclise's grand works must
not be left in jeopardy an hour longer than is needful.

In the Commons the Ballot Bill, as "improved" by the Lords
was considered, and it will save trouble to state that the Lower
House rejected nearly all the amendments of the Upper, Mr. Glad-
stone would have given way on certain points, but his obedient
followers would not allow him to do so. So now to see what the
Lords will do.

There was a little accidental fire at the top of the Clock Tower,
where burns Mr. Ayrton's ingenious device for letting the wives of
Members know what time the House rises. The affair was a
bagatelle—not so is the dodge for preventing senators from going off
to billiards. An Irish Member desired that coloured lights should
be exhibited, but Mr. Ayrton was playful, would have no green
fire to please the Irish, and thought a white light aptly symbolised
the Constitution. Ayrton among the Poets!

MONKEY BONES.

What is that brisk discharge of cracks ?
The harmony of Christy's Blacks ?
Or dancing-girl who pirouettes ,
Clacking the lively castanets ?

No ; it from Parsons doth arise,
While Purchas bold the law defies,
And celebrates his mimic Mass
In panoply of triple brass.

Ritualists make that noise, the while,
Snapping their fingers as they smile,
And, since Jack Priest he still dares play,
" So much for Privy Council! " say.

A TERRIBLE INVENTION.

Americans are so inventive, that we need hardly say we cite this
from a Transatlantic newspaper :—

" One of the cleverest inventions we have seen is the Patent Cat Extermi-
nator. It may be described as a large cast-iron cat, with an elastic swelling
tail, and sharp steel claws and teeth. It goes by clockwork, and, when placed
upon the housetop, its yells and screams attract all the cats in the vicinity,
when it quickly tears to pieces those that come within its clutch."

As a set-off against the Alabama Claims, we ought to claim some
compensation for the shattering of our nerves by such dreadful news
as this. Live cats are bad enough, but they are only flesh and blood,
and occasionally sleep. But to have cast-iron cats prowling on the
housetops, and caterwauling dismally all the live-loDg night, a
prospect such as this may make the bravest of us tremble, and the
boldest feel dismayed.