Punch (63.1872)

November 30, 1872.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

219

change," should erect a statue to him. For don't they make a fuss
33ttttCf) 9t iLUltrf). over their agonies ? The statue should be made of pewter—I must

not suggest how this can be supplied. Would you like to be a
steward, Toby ?

Near my abode is fixed a placard warning mankind that a culprit
was fined heavily, the other day, for " needlessly ringing a bell."
I wish I could make a similar example of a similar offender, who
commits a similar crime on Sundays, from 10'30 to 11, and from
2'30 to 3. Church bells were excellent things when there were no
clocks and watches, but now are an anachronism, though proclaim-
ing time.

ill>~ flf 11KX ^ was in8Pe°ting the wonderful curiosities in
lj IT the new Guildhall Library, I beheld several ad-
v mirable portraits of the good and beauteous
Queen Elizabeth. One, not very flattering,
she actually stopped, while it was engraving. I made a sketch from
the unfinished affair. Behold the result. That was a great Show,
that in the City, and the instigators deserve loud praise.

I am so pleased with the Coroner's Jury for the praise justly
awarded to Captain Shaw and his band of Braves for their gallant
behaviour at the great Flour-mills fire, that I do not care to ask the
gentleman who put the verdict into writing what he happens to
mean by the " arduous" manner in which the Captain and his men
did their work. Nay, I will defend the word. Arduus means high,
lofty. 'Tis more defensible than excelsior, in the poem, anyhow.

A Cook, advertising for a place, says, " A family, if plain, not
objected to." She need not apply at my house. But 1 know several
families that would suit her, though I dare say they don't think so.

"What will certain advertisers give me for this suggestion ? A
classical bit for their advertisements. Maxima debetur puero
Revalenta. They say it is very good for children.

I gave you a thundering verse by the mild Dr. Watts the other
day, Toby. Now I will give you a roystering verse by an austere
moralist:—

" When the bonny blade carouses,
Pockets full and spirits high,
What are acres, what are houses ?
Only dirt, or wet or dry."

That, Sir, is by our late friend, Db. Johnson.

His Royal Highness the late Dtjee oe Wessex was making his
difficult way through a crowded party in a very hot room, when he
encountered Captain Pabby, who had recently returned from an
expedition among the icebergs. "Ha! Pabby," said the Duke,
'' how do you do r This is more like the South Pole than the North
Pole, eh ? " _

Mehemet Ali made a canal from Alexandria to the Nile, and
that enlightened but most barbarous ruler's execrable treatment of
the poor labourers caused the death of about 25,000 men, women,
and children, in a few weeks. Never, I suppose, was there such an
enormous display of contempt for the canaille. But he wanted
water very much, then.

Mabcelxo (a Venetian poet and composer, my dear Toby, and he
has been dead a century and a half) wrote choruses for soprani and
contr'alti, who had to baa like sheep, and moo like cows. He would
have made his fortune in comic opera for Paris and London, now.
Will not some new creature, with similar gifts, arise ? Ille
Marcellus erit.

If Mb. Bessemeb succeeds in vanquishing Neptune, that is, in
making a vessel in which one can't be sick, those who " suffer a sea-

Push me those Norfolk biffins, because they have reminded me
that in 1445 the people of Norfolk and Suffolk complained to Govern-
ment of the increase of attorneys in those parts. It was alleged
that there were twenty-four, and that no end of lawsuits were the
consequence. The petitioners begged that the number might be cut
down to six or eight, at which, let us hope, it remains.

There is no valid excuse for a man's getting tipsy. I am glad
that the foolish act is made a legal crime. But if you want to know
where a plausible extenuation for a clever person's tipsiness can be
found, I again refer you to Db. Johnson. " He that feels oppression
from the presence of those to whom he knows himself superior will
desire to let loose his powers of conversation, and who that ever
asked succour from Bacchus was able to preserve himself from being
enslaved by his auxiliary P "

I have Notes—any Commentator shall have them for a round but
remarkably reasonable sum—of many Shakspearian Queries. Divers
things want clearing up. How about the sack that William lost at
Hickley fair? How much a dozen were Mrs. Keech's prawns?
What became of Black George Barnes ? Who was Master Sure-
Card, who is alluded to only ? Was Master Dumbleton's satin
warehouse celebrated ? Why did Master S?nooth, as a silkman,
exhibit the sign of the lubbar's (or leopard's) head ? Is there a por-
trait of Mistress Eleanor Poins? If my friend, De. Doban, the new
and most fitting Editor of Notes and Queries can answer me these
questions, I will kindly ask him some more.

I think that of all the stupid, bumptious, yet goody-goody names
that ever were assumed by boobies, the name " Good Templar" is
the most offensive. The only excuse—what's that, Toby, don't
mutter ? The only excuse is that the blockheads wish to be distin-
guished from our neighbours the lawyers. 'Tis well, Sir, but there
is no fear of a mistake. Lawyers may be—well, imperfect, but they
are not fools.

'Tis difficult to signify, gracefully, to one's Religious Man (well,
you say Medical Man), that his discourses are unacceptable. Perhaps
this delicate remonstrance is as gentle as such a thing can be
made:—

There was an old preacher in Hull,
He had nothing at all in his skull,

His flock came before him,

And said, " Cockalorum,
Your sermons are awfully dull."

I do not habitually drink beer. Why ? Because I cannot habitu-
ally get good beer. But if one of our great Breweries would imitate
the noble and beautiful example of the Brewers of Heidelberg, and
other German cities, and would have a private club-room attached
to the premises, so that the Select might get the genuine fluid fresh
from the cask—non sine fumo—\ should be heard of, on sundry even-
ings, in that vicinity. Deutschland, Deutschland, iiber alles, etc.

The most exquisite courtesy in language may accompany the most
atrocious cruelty in action. I have felt this upon many occasions
when I have been rejected by young ladies. I suppose a Japanese
criminal feels it when his judge tells him that he " has behaved
otherwise than was expected," and delivers him to be divided into
portions.

Lobd Eldon was occasionally accused of procrastination. His
answer was neat. " Time enough, if well enough."

Some of our ancestors were wise, but some must have been very
stupid asses. One of them lived in Shropshire, and made this pro-
verb, which may still be current there : " He that fetcheth a wife
from Shrewsbury, must carry her into Staffordshire, or else he shall
live in Cumberland." It is so abject, besides being brutal, that I
must expound. The idiot meant that a man who marries a shrew
must take a staff, or stick, to her, or he '11 find her an incumbrance.
This was told me on the Wrekin. I drink to all friends round it.