Punch (63.1872)

148

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 12, 1872.

HAPPY THOUGHTS.

Y Letters finished,
we descend to the
court-yard of the
Grand Monarque,
intending to go out,
and call on the
Mompisons. To my-
self I acknowledge
that I am a trifle
anxious about see-
ing Bertha.

Happy Thought.
—Dissemble before
my Aunt. Say care-
lessly, " Let me see!
How many Mompi-
sons are there ? I
forget their names."

Aunt falls into
trap. Somehow,
when she comes to
speak of Bertha, I
like to hear her
mentioned, and ask
questions about her.
In the court-yard
we come upon Mil-
burd and his wife,
who, with Captain
Fortescue, and a natty little German gentleman in very tight
trousers, very square-toed boots, and the usual eye-glasses, are
seated listlessly at one of the small tables. We are introduced
to the German. He is Herr Kopfen, and is immediately enthu-
siastically polite to my Aunt.
The waiter is pouring out a fizzing beverage for Milburd. For-

but, being pressed, takes it, and orders another visit in a week's
time, after presenting Patient with prescription " No. 2 in the
books." Chemist again. Same smile. Same confidential commu-
nication years afterwards, D.V., i. e. Doctore volente.

Another week. Patient back again. Myself still as Doctor. Yes,
has been better, but thinks that he now feels it (whatever it is)
rather more on the left side than the right. Loss of appetite after
meals, despondency in the rain, low spirits when in pecuniary
difficulties, nervous irritability in a four-wheeler when going to catch
a train, and so forth. Doctor meditates. Question to him is, shall
I give him No. 3 or repeat No. 2. If Doctor's hands are very full,
out comes prescription No. 3 ; if business is slack, No. 2 is repeated.
Same business with fee as before. Call again in ten days. Patient
calls again. " Doesn't," he says, "know what it is, but he gets so
tired when he walks, and so hot, that he's always obliged to take a
cab. Can't sleep at night, though intolerably drowsy immediately
after dinner and in the middle of the day. Forgot to mention last
time that his right foot appeared to be a little swollen, and that
one of his ears has a peculiar tingling in it." Account received with
gravity. Questions asked, which, being founded upon the patient's
recent information, only lead to a recapitulation of symptoms.
Useless, but something must be done for the money. Deliberation
in Doctor's mind as to whether it's any use keeping this idiot
here, or not. Decision, send him away. Recommend thermal
springs on the Continent. Patient looks a bit frightened, but
promises to be off next day. Being slow in producing his fee, it
is evident to the Doctor's quick mind that he is reluctant to part
with it. Doctor [myself still in practice] at once positively refuses
to take it. Patient doesn't press it. Exit Patient. Doctor, alone,
is satisfied that he 's seen the last of him for some time to come.
Patient goes away, takes baths, changes air and diet, becomes so
fresh that he returns to England full of the praise of the Doctor (I
am supposing myself to be the Doctor) who advised him to go there.
In return, he tells everyone, no matter what may be the matter
with them, to go to his Medical Adviser. Fortune made for Medical
Adviser, out of three draughts, and letting Patient prescribe for
himself.

By the way, mustn't broach these opinions to my Aunt, who has

tescue is regarding the operation despondently. • C(m/e here to%e cured of rheumatism and neuralgia by baths and

My Aunt inquires of Mrs. Milburd if this is part of the medical Raivanism. Odd that it never occurred to her that galvanism in
course which her husband is supposed to be undergoing. _ England would be the same as galvanism in Germany. But no, to

1 suggest that brandy-and-soda, at half-past eleven a.m., is not a ; be able to say «. i wa8 obliged to go abroad for my health," gives a
g0° tI >mg' j ii- m t t,r «t. . , i sort of importance to an invalid, and if it does not enlist sympathy,

restorer8'^ ^ 63 K 8 nature's it secures at least a certain respeeL

"T*v.f»T™,+ ;+ 4-^ i -l e u lit. >i / i. v v Happy Thought.—Under the " circs." hold Mister Tongue.

±>ut, i put it to rum, if you're here for health" (at which T, fr y 9 , . , *. -n u e

notion Fortescue laughs sarcastically) " you ought to go in regu- 1. It doesn t seem to me that Milburd s system will be of any great
larly for the waters " benefit to him. Being here, he says he s going m tor the whole thing.

" I tell him so," says Mrs. Milburd, " but he won't." ; ?is }ie* of ™urse is- to1ri!e ratber bater than is his custom in

" My dear fellow," returns Milburd, " the waters are all humbug. England and, after haying had a cup of chocolate while dressing a
Old Thingummy the Doctor says so. Some of the medical men be- Proce?s th^ occupies him generally a considerable portion of the

morning, he takes, at twelve o' clock, alight and airy repast, called'a
dejeuner a la fourchette, consisting of about fourteen courses,
including dessert with cheese. It is evident, as he argues, that he can't

lieve in 'em, and some don't

My Aunt, who has been listening intently, suddenly breaks in
upon the conversation in a frightened manner-'' But, Mr. Milburd, 1Jnci^dm?1 dfser? cneT' /113 e7,me^ ™ a arglf8'; ■ i ™ 1
you don't mean to say that, having come all this way from England do1t^e sulP1!ur bath immediately after this, and as to drinking the

- sulphur water, that he is assured by his Doctor, he says, is all
nonsense. The newspapers, a few pipes, and a drink of what he
terms "fizzical force," engage his attention for an hour and a half
after the above-mentioned meal, at the expiration of which time it

the waters are no good for rhenmalgia! Why, my nephew"
(turning towards me reproachfully) "told me that three years ago
he was cured here."

"Very likely," says Fortescue, regarding us with melancholy
compassion; " but it makes you worse afterwards."

I deny it warmly. I feel that my Aunt has come here at her
own request, it is true, but to a certain extent through my repre-
sentations, and that now my, as it were, professional opinion is at
stake.

Happy Thought.—Adopt the safe system in betting, and "hedge."
Say that, of course, a great deal must depend on the constitution of
the individual; a great deal, also, on diet; much, too, on change of
life, change of air, regularity, and so forth.

Happy_ Thought—-What a capital Doctor I should have made, as
far as giving advice is concerned. With a knowledge of three
medicines, and with a place to send patients to when troublesome,
one might get on capitally for years without being found out.

Medical Happy Thought (as a rule).—Let the Patient prescribe for
himself, unconsciously. My idea of being a Doctor is this :—Rule,
Talk to Patient, humour him or her, prescribe one out of the three
medicines with which you are acquainted. I 've often noticed a smile
on a chemist's face when I've given him a prescription, written by
some celebrated man, to be made up. He reads the first two oi
three items, and at once knows who has ordered it. Then he smiles,
as much as to say, "Here's the old prescription again." Become
confidential with the same chemist years afterwards, and he'll
probably tell you, smiling as usual, " 0, yes, I know that pre-
scription. It's old Snooks's" (for example). "It's a very good
one. Can't do any harm." Yery good. No injurious results,
but Patient not any better. Patient, being fidgety, harks back to
Doctor again. Doctor (e. g., myself) coquettes with the second fee,

occurs to him that a drive would be a nice thing for his wife. This
amiable lady at once accedes to the proposition, and the Monarque is
commanded to furnish its guests with a carriage and pair, which
order the Monarque executes in truly Royal Continental style. The
carriage looks as if it were spick and span new, the brass harness
gleams in the sun, as does also the Coachman's patent varnished hat
with its doubly polished cockade on the right side, the whole thing
being made of the same material, I fancy, as the Prussian soldier's
helmet, only, of course, without the brass spike at the top, which
would not look well sticking out of the crown of the hat, although
it might prevent people sitting on it when left, by accident, on a
chair. As to the Coachman's collars and stock, they are simply
wonderful for shape, whiteness, and supernatural stiffness. I
should say that the entire framework, concealed from view by linen,
is of the strongest steel. Out of Aix, where unfortunately the
equipage is familiar to the inhabitants, the whole turn-out might
be taken for something Ducal, especially when drawn, as it often is,
by four horses. He invites us to join them. My Aunt, who I think
is rather captivated by the shininessof the foreign turn-out, accepts
with pleasure, observing to me that we can call on the Mompisons
when we return. Yery well. I should like to see, in fact I think I
am longing to meet once again, Bertha Mompison, and yet I am
not sorry for the postponement. Evidently nervousness.

We seat ourselves in the carriage; then, amid the admiring
glances of the spectators (strangers wbo don't know who we are),
and the obsequiousness of the waiters, with a great jingling of the
brass harness, a rattling over the courtyard stones, and a sounding
smack of the whip, we start for our drive.