Punch (63.1872)

Dbcembeb 14, 1872.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

249

HAPPY THOUGHTS

hope to meet Engle-
moee at the Minerva
Club.

Arrive at Club.
Annoyed at rinding
the steps thronged
by a crowd of re-
spectable - looking
artisans. At least,
some appear to be
artisans in their
Sunday best, with a
variety of neat

Strikes. Perhaps a
Deputation to call
on one of the mem-
bers. If so, shall complain of it to the Committee as a nuisance.
In the hall, more of the deputation, without their hats. Tall and

applicants smile—all except the gloomy tall man (six feet two, and
I won't have him, 1 settle that at once), who, in answer to my ques-
tion why he hadn't written instead of coming in this manner, says,
" I thought as a personal happlication were better as savin' time on
both parties which might be himportant to hall." The same idea
has occurred to all of them, for they all nod, and more or less express
themselves like a chorus in an opera, with the long man and myself
doing the two solos. The long man continues, gravely, " I come
'ere yesterday, d'reckly as I see your hadvertisement." Chorus ges-
ticulate again, just as if they were singing, " And so say all of us,"
without the previous portion of the tune which celebrates the joviality
of the individual.

" I've honly left my present place, account of the family going
abroad and 'aving no more use for a gard'ner." Chorus evidently
don't believe in him a bit. The tall Gardener goes on again with
things'7 in hats, "and" f'nrther particulars. I am not listening to him, but thinking how I
others present a. sort '< sua^ 5?et T^ °^ them all. I hear him saying, " 1 'm a married man,
of groom - out - of- an(^ m^ W1^e can cook or make herself otherwise useful in a house,"
place appearance I anu ^ am on ^ne P0^ of dismissing him to begin with, when the
specially about the ' °idest member of the Club enters the hall, and wishes to know what
trousers which are : a^ ^is disturbance is ?

clearly p'erquisites of ] ^ae Hall-Porter looks appealingly to me. I beg to offer an expla-
the past adapted to Sat™?\ The irascible old man won't be pacified. "It's a mob,
straitened circum- : : De says, and 1 feel that I agree with him. I show him how
stances ■ ^ne mistake arose on their part from the unfortunate wording of my

Happi/ Thought, advertisement.

_Evidently some- ^ 8 t0° "au> °lr > Pon my word, it s too bad, the old member

thittg to do with the ^iurts out. " And if this sort of thing's allowed, we shan't be able
to keep an umbrella in the Club," whereupon he steams off through
a glass door, and puffs himself to the writing-room, where he allows
some of his heat to evaporate in a thundering letter to the Com-
mittee.

Happy Thought.—Tell the frozen-out Gardeners to meet me in

healthy, tall and unhealthy, short and thin, short and fat—in fact, St. James's Park. On consideration, this might be taken for a
all sorts and sizes, with a hungry, restless look about them, and an Republican Demonstration.

indescribable awkwardness of hands and feet, as if the disappear- 1, Hall-Porter asks, if I couldn't get some gentleman's rooms to see

ance of both would be an intense relief to them. em 111»

" Any letters ?" I ask the Hall-Porter. ! Happy Thought.—Of course. Englemoee's ! His old lodgings,

" One, Sir," he answers, and presents me with what I know at Through the tall man, whom I treat as the spokesman, I request the

once to be a trifle from Englemoee. He says :— ! applicants to walk round to Duke Street. They reply through him

" Saw your advertisement. Good. Have pushed it aj0H<. that they don't know where Duke Street is, and exhibit incredulity

Wired country friends to send up to 1X., Minerva Club: Personal' as ™ m? intention o± ever seeing them again. _

interview saves trouble. Hatfuls of Gardeners. Pick and try. " Happy Thought.-Ihrert Club Commissionaire to guide them.

Look here. Going to have Mister Housewarming. Theatricals. ; Intrust him with half a sovereign to be divided among them m

Peter Playacting. Put you down for part. Larks. Got Major h(^0T &t}h* nearest tavern.

Sideboard'at last. Quite a G. B. for L. s. d. down. Took off\ f xeunt Omnes. Thank Heaven !

Daniel Discount ten. That '* good enough for your , If Englemoee sent most of these fellows up, or got his friends to

" Little Engleuore. I £° 8°\1 ?™1 have a row wlt^, hlm K at a11 events> he shaU have the
u -o o tt j * tut- * v ■ ■ * 4. 4. i u v benent of them m his rooms, it possible.

P. S. Heard of Mister Pig just sent you. At least he won t suit It {s possible. Mes. Dumper, Englemoee's landlady, knows me,
anybody else, so you might get him cheap. Wire Yes, if pig or but thou?h " Me. Englemoee is giving up, yet she is doubtful

noh-r, r, c Tr ,,, ,., ,7 T 77 ~ , , whether"-In fact, she is hesitating, though she has not seen my

F-F;^ Ho?6 y°u, }} llke the Jolly Gardeners sent to order. , crowdi wn0 are stm in the publiC-house, and I have only requested
Love to X., Minerva. ! to be allowed the use of his sitting-room, just for half an hour,

At first I don't quite understand. Another second clears up the i merely to see some gardeners who have called about my place. She

difficulty. I must ask about answers to advertisement

" Any letters addressed to ' X.' here ? "

The Hall-Porter draws a deep sigh. " 0," he says, " it's for you,
Sir, is it ? " Whereupon he produces a packet of about fifty, and
as he does so, I notice the simultaneous shuffling of the members of
the deputation in the hall. There is a confused murmur which
sounds like " It's him! " in a variety of undertones.

The Hall-Porter continues: "Yes, Sir, besides these here"
(meaning the letters), "there's been all these men waitin' for you
yesterday, Sir, and to-day."

What these for me f The deputation ! ! I look round. They are
all bowing and scraping ; and the others outside, having guessed in-
stinctively the cause of the commotion, are now coming up the steps,
and entering the Club.

" There 'ave been complaints made by the members, Sir, last
night, and I was to hand you this from the Committee, Sir. (Here
he produces an official-looking document. It contains a warning—
a reproof—and necessitates an explanation.)

Other members coming in, pass ill-natured remarks. What am I
to do ? The men are all bending and smirking. A very tall one,
with a deep voice, " presumes that he is speaking to Me. X."

Happy Thought.—Like Stanley finding Livingstone. " Me. X.,
I presume P "

I am obliged to admit that his presumption is correct. De.
Livingstone restrained himself, and did not rush into Me. Stan-
let's arms. I, too, restrain myself. I don't at the instant exactly
see what to say. Hall-Porter looking on. Members in the distance
watching, with a view to reporting the whole proceeding to the
Committee.

" Yes," I say, "lam' X.' Why ? "

Epigrammatic, but, on reconsideration, unbusiness-like. The

is not in the least interested, and demurs.

Happy Thought.—1 say to Mes. Dtjmpee, "I fancy that Me.
Englemoee's rooms would suit me; because I shan't live in the
country altogether."

"Well, Sir," she says, seeing her way to a tenant, " you can look
at 'em now, and if you like to use them for 'art an 'our or so there
won't be any great 'arm done, I dessay."

_ I take my seat at Englemoee's table, after calling to the Commis-
sionnaire to bring the men up here. Ouite Magisterial.

The gloomy man, who has been making himself gloomier than
ever with beer, I dismiss at once. He is so utterly taken by surprise
that he has nothing to say for himself ; and every one else's interests
being dead against him, nobody has anything to say for him, and so
there's an end of him. He's a weight off my mind. I'm sorry he
hasn't obtained the situation, but he has encumbrances, and holds
such views on pigs, poultry, and a cow, as are utterly irreconcileable
with mine.

Number Two.—Is an unhealthy-looking person with weak knees.
He says he understands glass. Whatever else he doesn't understand,
one thing he sticks to, and that is—Glass. I tell him I haven't got
any glass, that 1 don't intend to have any glass, and that—to put it
forcibly—I hate glass. At this last blow he staggers from the room
and disappears. With him go three others who had come there
solely on the strength of their knowledge of Glass.

Number Three. — Muddy-faced, short man; groomy style in
gaiters. His eyes seem inclined to blink. He bobs at me with his
front lock, and attempting to focus his gaze on the top button of my
waistcoat, awaits my questioning.

" What can you do ? "

Directly I have spoken, his eyes begin to wander. Perhaps he is
trying to recall all his accomplishments.