Punch (63.1872)

272

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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 28, 1872.

SEASONABLE CHARITY.

" England expects that e-vee-ey Man
This Day will do his Dooty."

A NEW CHRISTMAS SONG.

(Adapted to the Times from In Memoriam.)

Wbing out the clouds in that damp sky.
Which all this year so drear have made,
If, for the weather's clerk, her trade

A weather-washerwoman ply.

Wring out the old, wring in the new,
Wring, weather-washerwoman, so,
That wet-shod if the Old Year must go,

The New may damps and dumps eschew.

Wring out the wet that stands in clay,
Rots the potatoes in their bed,
Fingers and toes gives Swedes instead

Of bellies in the usual way.

Wring out my mouchoir, damp with flow
Of constant cold through warp and woof,
Bring in a patent water-proof,

Through whose seams rain-drops will not go.

Wring out the shirts, wring out the skin,
To which I've been wet many times ;
Ring out the rain-drops' pattering chimes,

And bring some dryer weather in !

THOUGHTS DURING HAIR-CUTTING.

Well he cut it well, or shall I look an object for the
next ten days.

. Will he ask me how I would like it cut ?
Will he talk to me ?
Will he blow upon me ?
Will he snip a bit off my ear ?

Will he prick my lip when he trims my moustache ?
Will he tell me that my hair is getting rather thin at
the top?

Will he ask me whether I have tried, or would like to
try, their marvellous Balsam, or their wonderful Wash,
or their unrivalled Restorative ?

Will he ask me whether I will be shampooed ?

Will the brushing business bring tears into my eyes ?

Will he part my hair on the wrong side ?

Will uncomfortable hairs get between my collar and
my neck ?

Will he not, when all is over, say—"Will there be
anything for the toilette ? "

TO SOME CORRESPONDENTS.

At the end of the year it is proper to pay off old scores. Mr.
Punch has a world of old scores to pay off to Correspondents. But
he has graciously passed an Act of Oblivion in his own favour.
Here follow replies to a few persons who have addressed him during
the past week. All " contributions," of every kind, up to the present
date, have been consigned to Vulcan, who has accepted them greedily.

Alctbiades.—Do not use such thick paper. It makes such bad spills.

" Ambitious."—Blue lined folio, a steel pen, and a commercial hand. Are
you mad enough to thiok we read four lines of your four pages ?

William Skinner saj's, " These verses seem to go easily--" Seem, dear

boy ? There they go into the fire, as easily as possible, bless jou !

Hector P,—When a would-be contributor's wit is so profuse aato flow over
into his private letter, we know that he is an ass, and thank him for
saving us trouble.

W. E. M. (G.).—Your sketch is charming, the legend is witty, and we should
instantly insert both, but for the perhaps insignificant fact that they are
copied from a page in Punch, in June, 1863.

Perpervid (I. J.) wishes us " to favour him with the reward his attempt
deserves." How can we? The longest whip will not reach from Fleet
Street to Glasgow.

Nancibel "hopes one day to send something more worthy of Punch." We
can wait.

A. A. (Adelphi) apologises for " sending so large a batch of miscellaneous
sketches, mostly half-finished." They are quite finished, now.

Lauriston (P.), curiously, sends a somewhat similar apology. He "regrets
that his packet is so big." It was. But apology is needless, We put it
under the grate, so the chimney was in no danger. But we thank hiin
for his kindly thoughtfulness, all the same.

Bellona.—We never read scented notes.

Walter B. B. (CD.).—If your wife was notlaughing at you when she advised
you to send it, she is as great an idiot as jourself. But we imagine that
she-wanted jou snubbed, and we incline to pity her for her marriage.

F. P. J. (about Hezekiah).—No need to put (Revd.) before your signature.
The profanity of the suggestion told us what you are. Two-thirds of
such things come to us from men and women who ought to know better,
and do.

John Smith (Liverpool), being " a great collector," would like autographs-
of all the Punch writers, and if any,unused sketch, or that sort of thing,
is not wanted, the pleasure would be inhanced (sic). Delighted. He
shall have them in a post or two, and we have a signature of Shak-
speare, Milton, Pope, &c, of which we also beg his acceptance.

A Schoolboy.—We won't give his address, but his conscience will tell him
that this is for him when we say that "elephant" is not spelt " ellefant."
Dear boy, mind your books and play, and don't call your Master "Old
Goggles."

TO ALL CORRESPONDENTS.

Volunteered Contributions Punch never returns:
In summer he tears them, in winter he burns.

POLO ! POLO ! ! POLO ! ! ! In reply to half the Universe, Mr.
Punch begs leave to mention that, when played by ladies, the noble game
of Polo should be scored by a marker, who is called Marco Polo. Por
further information upon this and every other fashionable subject, see Punch's
Almanack—a priceless publication, price threepence only !

THE BABY HIPPOPOTAMUS.—The only correct portrait of this
welcome little stranger is that which has been published, by permission
of its parents, in Mr. Punch's Almanack. The picture may in truth be
termed a speaking likeness, for it will be found to answer every expectation..

BEFORE YOU PAY YOUR, INCOME-TAX take care to purchase
Punch's Almanack. This will put you in good humour, and enable
you to bear the injustice of the imposition, without, your running any risk of
being fined five shillings for indulging in bad language at it.