Punch (65.1873)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [August 23, 1873. I

THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION (FOR AUGUST AND SEPTEMBER).

The Wife. “ Rufus, I can Bear this no Longer ! My Rights as a Wife, my Duties as a Mother, compel me to Spear
OUT ! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN—WHICH IS IT TO BE?” The Husband. “ * WHICH IS IT TO BEWlLHELMINA ? ”

The Wife. “ Yes ! Which is it to be ? Either decide once for all, and immediately, or leave all Choice in the
Matter to me ! ”

The Husband (after mature Reflection). “ Wilhelmina, I adopt the latter Alternative ! Yours the Choice, tours the
consequent Responsibility ! The only Conditions I make are these :—It must not be Far,—it must not be Dear,—it must
not be Dull,—it must not be Yulgar,—and there must be no Nigger Minstrels ! ”

SHUFFLING V. CUTTING.

{.Hints 071 Whist, by Punch's own Cavendish. Respectfully
dedicated to the Right Honourable W. E. G.)

You may shuffle the cards with a will, my dear Gladstone,
Turn over the hand that you hold, through and through,
But, believe me, you ’ll yet have to mark with a sad stone
The day you determined to lay such a bad stone,

Of a stronger foundation the duty to do :

For ill-omened day, when you ended the scuffle
Twixt Baxter and Ayrton and Lowe, with a shuffle!

For a hand at St. Stephen’s, you should know, by this time,

Is just like a hand at the rest of the Clubs,

Where, if you drop in any day about whist-time,

(Though out of your work goodness knows how you’d twist
time!)

You ’ll find the green tables arranging their rubs.

The point is not sorting the suits, but a hand
Of strong cards so played as the game to command.

A trump is a trump, wheresoever you put him :

And, in any position, a low card is low :

The deuce is the deuce, though ’twixt Court cards you shut him;
Knave will turn up knave, if by ill-chance you cut him ;

Unaffected by place, still the honours wdll show;

Games have often been lost by an ill-timed finesse,

And the cost of revoking you’ve had to confess!

As I’ve looked o’er your shoulder, beside the green table
Where the game for the Treasury stake’s being played,

I see a few moves that to see you ’re unable—

(Though the eye at the back of my head is a fable)—

And I own that much better the cards might have laid.:

But good play ne’er stands out in such contrast with ill,

As when cards that fall badly are handled with skill.

If you would but be rather less eager for winning,

A leetle less ready in risking your trumps,

Would go in less for tricks when the gamy is beginning,

Be not quite so cocky and cheeky, when winning,

And, when losing, a little less down in the dumps ;

Ne’er go in for odd tricks, when their help you don’t need,

And just think of your partners, ere forcing the lead—

If you’d learn not to fancy that mere hocus-pocus
Can avert Fortune’s buffets and earn her rewards,

That weak cards will be strong, when their weakness you focus,
Or that into a blaze without coals you can stoke us—

The image to shift to steam-engines from cards—

That of so77ie cards all hands will do well to get shut—

Cards it’s no use to shuffle—they’d better be cut;—

I’ve not the least doubt, with the head on your shoulders,

And the pluck and resource that distinguish your play,

You still would astonish the sneering beholders.

In whom the dislike of your old prowess smoulders,

And carry, triumphant, the rubber away.

But if you’d court Fortune, and win her rewards,

You must try something better than shuffling weak cards.

A Cabinet Question.—WKo ought to be the first man ? Adam.