Punch (65.1873)

September 20, 1873.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

ill

SKIRMISHING IN PERSPECTIVE.

' A good Skirmishes, if there is no Cover, should Hide behind his Boots ! ”

BROWNS LAMENT.

I wander up and down,

I’ve lately come from Town,
My name is Roger Brown—

I wonder why I’m here.

I shun the noisy sands,

The brass and brazen bands,
The flymen on the stands—

I wonder why I’m here.

I’m weary of the Pier,

I can’t drink bitter beer,

And things are all so dear—

I wonder why I’m here.

I cannot swim or dive,

I cannot ride or drive,

I watch the folks arrive—

And wonder why I’m here.

I neither row nor scull,

If a trigger I could pull,

I would not shoot a gull—

I wonder why I’m here.

I never take a boat,

I never watch a float,

There is no table d'hote—

I wonder why I’m here.

I cannot by their rig

Tell schooner, bark, or brig,

Yawl, cutter, yacht, or gig—

I wonder why I’m here.

Unversed in Nature’s lore,

The rocks, the cliff, the shore,

I listlessly explore—

And wonder why I’m here.

SCIENCE IN SEASON.

Under the head of “ Science Gossip” the Athenceum informs us that—

“ An original suggestion as to the probable origin of nerve-force has been thrown out by Mr. A. H.
Garrod. He believes that the difference of temperature between the interior of a living organism and
its external surface is an available source of energy, hitherto unrecognised, which may reasonably be
supposed to give rise to an electric nerve-current.”

The Rational Association for the advancement of that which is the subject of our learned ;
and scientific contemporary’s above-quoted gossip, will perhaps deliberate on the suggestion
therein contained. Experience (it may be hoped) has already taught the majority of philoso-
phers that the affusion of cold water on the human body in the daily matutinal performance
of “ tubbing ” is usually attended with a convulsion very similar to a shock of electricity.
How much further they will get than that point, we shall be glad to see. In continuation,
on Mr. Garrod’s theory, the Athenceum observes :—

‘ ‘ Admitting such an hypothesis, it is easy to see why, at this season, most of us feel lacking in nerve-
force, or why the prolonged use of, a hot-water bath induces a feeling of faintness. The greatest supply
of nerve-force, and, therefore, the gieatest amount of vigour, is naturally to be got in cold weather, when
a considerable difference of temperature obtains between the exterior and the interior of the body.”

From the context of the hot-water bath with the season referred to in the foregoing
passage, this may be supposed to have been written in warm weather. Accordingly, the
sages of the National Association will perhaps consider whether the exhaustion occasioned by
a high temperature, and the faintness induced by a hot bath do not mainly arise from what
the Faculty call diaphoresis. Also whether, although the greatest supply of nerve-force,
and therefore the greatest amount of vigour, is naturally to be got by some people, namely,
the young, in cold weather, the smallest supply of nerve-force, and, therefore, the smallest
amount of vigour, is therein as naturally to be got, worse luck ! by the aged. Everybody
knows how fast a cold winter carries off old people ; and with what hopes, in case they have
much property to leave behind them, a fall of the thermometer about Christmas inspires their
youthful relatives.

As to the origin of nerve-force from the difference between internal and external tempera-
ture, the National Association may vouchsafe to perpend the following doggerel:—•

The commonest weed and shell
Cast up by surf and swell,

Their names I cannot tell—

Why ever am I here ?

I read the papers through,

And think what I shall do
Till dinner-time at two—

I wonder why I’m here.

I’ve read The Missing Heir,

I’ve tried The Lonely Lair,

The Ill-assorted Pair—

1 wonder why I ’m here.

I linger in the shops,

I loiter over chops,

I talk about the hops—

And wonder why I’m here.

I’ve roamed the country round:

A church or two I found,

And an ancient village pound—

I wonder why I’m here.

I wander up and down,

I can’t return to Town
Because of Mrs. Brown—

You know now why I’m here.

Bythesea, September, 1873.

Canonization and Causes.

What in fishes is the source
Whence originates nerve-force ?

How much warmer is a trout
As it swims, inside than out ?

If these are only fool’s questions, philosophers may be pleased to laugh at them.

“ Circumstances alter Cases.”

Bunting was using his telescope on the delightful new pier at Haroldstown. Briggs
came up to him, and said, “What’s that?” Bunting, surprised, “Why, a telescope, of
course! ’ Whereupon Briggs rejoined, “ I should call it a pier glass."

With respect to Canonization there are
two “ Causes ” which certainly ought to be
submitted to His Holiness the Pope. They
are those which produce at least the great
majority of apparitions and visions, which
they have occasioned time out of mind.
They have, therefore, pretensions to the
title of “ Venerable” which might be well
entertained at Rome; and then, in due
time, they might be decreed full Saints, by
the names of SS. Hypochondriasis and
Hysteria.