DOI issue:
September 20, 1873
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16937#0124
112
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 20, 1873.
A BAD LOOK-OUT FOR BACHELORS.
Dear Mr. Punch,
I was—well, never
mind the age— on my last
birthday, and yon may
guess, therefore, that I
was born in the year—
no matter what. You may
guess, likewise, that I am
old enough to marry, and,
indeed, that notion has
more than once occurred
to me, and, moreover, has
been hinted at by some of
my fair friends. But I am
somewhat of a timid and
unenterprising tempera-
ment ; and, although I
more than once have found
myself upon the very brink
of falling in love, I have
been invariably saved by
some slight incident from
fhe fatal plunge. Only
yesterday, for instance, I
had chipped my second
egg, and was reflecting on
the charms of Miss Xan-
tippe Bouncer, to whom
I had been lately intro-
duced by Mrs. Greymare,
her maternal aunt and
guardian, when, turning
to my newspaper, propped
up before me by the teapot, I shuddered to behold these words,
“Tailor-Made Costumes for Ladies,”
heading an advertisement, in terribly large type.
You may conceive, Sir, what a shock was thus occasioned to a
man of tender nerve. Methought, ladies employing tailors to cut
out their costumes will probably proceed to wearing masculine
attire, and there is no telling what garments they may think fit to
adopt. Garments which the stalwart Highlander dispenses with
may be in fashion with sweet ladies—or, at least, sweet married
ladies. And this, Sir, is a prospect quite sufficient to deter from
any overt act which might be mistaken for flirtation a single
gentleman so nervous as
Yours, timidly,
Silver Street, Saturday. Timothy Twitter.
NEW PATERNAL POSTAGE RULES.
less writing. Initials, however, are permitted, but not more than
two.
9. Stamps, at the Sender’s peril, may be enclosed, but the letter
must be strongly perfumed, as otherwise the smell of the Stamp
can easily be detected, and tempts the officials.
10. Xo letter under four inches long, by two and a half wide, will
be delivered in any circumstances, and ladies are specially desired
to notice this.
11. Where two letters are addressed to the same person, the
numerals Ho. 1, No. 2, must not be inscribed, as they might mislead
the Postman into calling at the wrong house, but “ Letter Humber
One ” may be written in words, on the back.
12. Letters to persons of any title must be addressed correctly,
and in accordance with the rules in Dod’s Peerage. For instance,
if a letter to a Dean be addressed “ the Venerable,” instead of the
“ Very Reverend,” it will not be delivered. The omission of the
contracted word “Bart.,” or its use where a Knight is addressed,
will be equally fatal.
13. Ho tradesman is to be addressed as “ Esquire,” either at his
place of business, or his country house. He cannot have two social
positions.
14. Schoolboys are to be addressed by their Christian names and
Surnames alone, without any prefix, as are all Collegians, except
those at the Universities, and all servants, except widows.
15. Coloured or tinted paper is not to be used for envelopes, as it
confers on the letter a certain importance which is unfair to other
Correspondence.
16. Ho flourishes are to be used, and no dashes or underlining will
be allowed. Write legibly, and leave the rest to the intelligence of
the Department.
17. Where there is doubt as to the number of a house, “8” or
“9” must not be written. This compels the Postman to ask a
question. The letter should be sent in duplicate, a copy to each
house, and the person for whom it is not designed will return it to
the Postman, on pain of prosecution.
18. If a stamp be placed in the wrong corner of the envelope, or
be reversed, or affixed sideways, the letter will be destroyed.
19. The Post-Master has heard, with profound astonishment and
regret, that a Postman, who has just taken letters from a Pillar,
will hold open his bag to receive a ietter with which a maid-servant
or other person hurries up, a moment too late. Any Postman
detected in such an offence against System will instantly be dis-
charged.
20. Posting a letter is a serious and solemn business, yet it is fre-
quently entrusted to children and others without an adequate sense
of responsibility. The Police will receive instructions to prevent
such persons from depositing letters, as, unless the nature of an
oath be understood by them, a prosecution of a defaulting receiver
might be defeated. Ho child under twelve must be sent to post a
letter.
[These simple rules are provisional only, and may be added to by
a paternal Post-Master, at his pleasure, should he be able to devise
any other regulations in accordance with the present policy of
legislation for British Citizens.]
The Postmaster-General (preparatory to leaving office) gives
notice that from and after the 1st October next the following rules
and regulations will be in force, and that any deviation from them
will be punished with the utmost rigour of the Law :—
1. Ho person is to write, outside a letter, anything but the direc-
tion. If it is wished to send a public message, a halfpenny card
must be employed.
2. A Stamp, once affixed, must remain, and any person washing
i off a Stamp, and gumming it on another envelope, will be liable to
j prosecution.
3. Directions must be properly punctuated, with a semi-colon
after the name ; a colon after each following line : and a period
after the concluding word, which must be written large. Otherwise,
no letter will be delivered.
4. Sealing-wax is prohibited, as the sharp edges of a carelessly-
made seal tend to tear other letters.
5. Two Halfpenny Stamps may be used in lieu of a Penny Stamp,
but only when the letter is posted on Sunday, and other Stamps are
not to be obtained. But the Postmaster-General recommends the
Heads of Families to ascertain from every member of the household,
on Saturday evening, before or after prayers, whether he or she is
supplied with Stamps for the following day.
6. For London letters, the district initials must be added, or the
letter will be detained for a week. Wrong initials will entail
prosecution.
7. ^ Letters placed in the wrung box at a receiving-house will be
confiscated.
_ 8. Ho Writer is to inscribe his own name at the corner of a direc-
tion, as the Receiver can discover the Sender by perusing the letter,
and the Postman’s attention is liable to be distracted by any need-
KIHG COFFEE.
A Hewsparer, the other day, published the somewhat serio-comic
announcement that—
“ The principal officers in command of the expedition against King Coffee
and the Ashantees embarked at Liverpool yesterday en route to the Gold
Coast.”
The expedition against the Ashantees will be no joke to those
concerned in it, or to any others capable of imagining, and not in-
capable of sympathising in, the hardships and sufferings which it
will cost brave men. Yet who but feels as one sitting at a burlesque
when he contemplates the idea of Britannia going to war with King
Coffee ? It will be recollected that, in the Crimea once, she went
to war without King Coffee, so to speak; for the Coffee where-
withal her troops were provided was green, insomuch that it could
not be ground, and was of no use. Ho mistake, however, of that
kind, is meant to be made on this occasion; for active operations
are in progress at Deptford Victualling Yard to supply the Forces
with soluble Chocolate. And as to Coffee, let us hope that King
Coffee, of the Ashantees, will get so effectually roasted as to be
done thoroughly brown, and ground up as easily and completely as
if he were Mocha.
cook’s pilgrims.
The late Pilgrimage has at least earned the Duke of Hoefolk
and his companions a name. Those devotees are now denominated
Xorfolk Dumplings.
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 20, 1873.
A BAD LOOK-OUT FOR BACHELORS.
Dear Mr. Punch,
I was—well, never
mind the age— on my last
birthday, and yon may
guess, therefore, that I
was born in the year—
no matter what. You may
guess, likewise, that I am
old enough to marry, and,
indeed, that notion has
more than once occurred
to me, and, moreover, has
been hinted at by some of
my fair friends. But I am
somewhat of a timid and
unenterprising tempera-
ment ; and, although I
more than once have found
myself upon the very brink
of falling in love, I have
been invariably saved by
some slight incident from
fhe fatal plunge. Only
yesterday, for instance, I
had chipped my second
egg, and was reflecting on
the charms of Miss Xan-
tippe Bouncer, to whom
I had been lately intro-
duced by Mrs. Greymare,
her maternal aunt and
guardian, when, turning
to my newspaper, propped
up before me by the teapot, I shuddered to behold these words,
“Tailor-Made Costumes for Ladies,”
heading an advertisement, in terribly large type.
You may conceive, Sir, what a shock was thus occasioned to a
man of tender nerve. Methought, ladies employing tailors to cut
out their costumes will probably proceed to wearing masculine
attire, and there is no telling what garments they may think fit to
adopt. Garments which the stalwart Highlander dispenses with
may be in fashion with sweet ladies—or, at least, sweet married
ladies. And this, Sir, is a prospect quite sufficient to deter from
any overt act which might be mistaken for flirtation a single
gentleman so nervous as
Yours, timidly,
Silver Street, Saturday. Timothy Twitter.
NEW PATERNAL POSTAGE RULES.
less writing. Initials, however, are permitted, but not more than
two.
9. Stamps, at the Sender’s peril, may be enclosed, but the letter
must be strongly perfumed, as otherwise the smell of the Stamp
can easily be detected, and tempts the officials.
10. Xo letter under four inches long, by two and a half wide, will
be delivered in any circumstances, and ladies are specially desired
to notice this.
11. Where two letters are addressed to the same person, the
numerals Ho. 1, No. 2, must not be inscribed, as they might mislead
the Postman into calling at the wrong house, but “ Letter Humber
One ” may be written in words, on the back.
12. Letters to persons of any title must be addressed correctly,
and in accordance with the rules in Dod’s Peerage. For instance,
if a letter to a Dean be addressed “ the Venerable,” instead of the
“ Very Reverend,” it will not be delivered. The omission of the
contracted word “Bart.,” or its use where a Knight is addressed,
will be equally fatal.
13. Ho tradesman is to be addressed as “ Esquire,” either at his
place of business, or his country house. He cannot have two social
positions.
14. Schoolboys are to be addressed by their Christian names and
Surnames alone, without any prefix, as are all Collegians, except
those at the Universities, and all servants, except widows.
15. Coloured or tinted paper is not to be used for envelopes, as it
confers on the letter a certain importance which is unfair to other
Correspondence.
16. Ho flourishes are to be used, and no dashes or underlining will
be allowed. Write legibly, and leave the rest to the intelligence of
the Department.
17. Where there is doubt as to the number of a house, “8” or
“9” must not be written. This compels the Postman to ask a
question. The letter should be sent in duplicate, a copy to each
house, and the person for whom it is not designed will return it to
the Postman, on pain of prosecution.
18. If a stamp be placed in the wrong corner of the envelope, or
be reversed, or affixed sideways, the letter will be destroyed.
19. The Post-Master has heard, with profound astonishment and
regret, that a Postman, who has just taken letters from a Pillar,
will hold open his bag to receive a ietter with which a maid-servant
or other person hurries up, a moment too late. Any Postman
detected in such an offence against System will instantly be dis-
charged.
20. Posting a letter is a serious and solemn business, yet it is fre-
quently entrusted to children and others without an adequate sense
of responsibility. The Police will receive instructions to prevent
such persons from depositing letters, as, unless the nature of an
oath be understood by them, a prosecution of a defaulting receiver
might be defeated. Ho child under twelve must be sent to post a
letter.
[These simple rules are provisional only, and may be added to by
a paternal Post-Master, at his pleasure, should he be able to devise
any other regulations in accordance with the present policy of
legislation for British Citizens.]
The Postmaster-General (preparatory to leaving office) gives
notice that from and after the 1st October next the following rules
and regulations will be in force, and that any deviation from them
will be punished with the utmost rigour of the Law :—
1. Ho person is to write, outside a letter, anything but the direc-
tion. If it is wished to send a public message, a halfpenny card
must be employed.
2. A Stamp, once affixed, must remain, and any person washing
i off a Stamp, and gumming it on another envelope, will be liable to
j prosecution.
3. Directions must be properly punctuated, with a semi-colon
after the name ; a colon after each following line : and a period
after the concluding word, which must be written large. Otherwise,
no letter will be delivered.
4. Sealing-wax is prohibited, as the sharp edges of a carelessly-
made seal tend to tear other letters.
5. Two Halfpenny Stamps may be used in lieu of a Penny Stamp,
but only when the letter is posted on Sunday, and other Stamps are
not to be obtained. But the Postmaster-General recommends the
Heads of Families to ascertain from every member of the household,
on Saturday evening, before or after prayers, whether he or she is
supplied with Stamps for the following day.
6. For London letters, the district initials must be added, or the
letter will be detained for a week. Wrong initials will entail
prosecution.
7. ^ Letters placed in the wrung box at a receiving-house will be
confiscated.
_ 8. Ho Writer is to inscribe his own name at the corner of a direc-
tion, as the Receiver can discover the Sender by perusing the letter,
and the Postman’s attention is liable to be distracted by any need-
KIHG COFFEE.
A Hewsparer, the other day, published the somewhat serio-comic
announcement that—
“ The principal officers in command of the expedition against King Coffee
and the Ashantees embarked at Liverpool yesterday en route to the Gold
Coast.”
The expedition against the Ashantees will be no joke to those
concerned in it, or to any others capable of imagining, and not in-
capable of sympathising in, the hardships and sufferings which it
will cost brave men. Yet who but feels as one sitting at a burlesque
when he contemplates the idea of Britannia going to war with King
Coffee ? It will be recollected that, in the Crimea once, she went
to war without King Coffee, so to speak; for the Coffee where-
withal her troops were provided was green, insomuch that it could
not be ground, and was of no use. Ho mistake, however, of that
kind, is meant to be made on this occasion; for active operations
are in progress at Deptford Victualling Yard to supply the Forces
with soluble Chocolate. And as to Coffee, let us hope that King
Coffee, of the Ashantees, will get so effectually roasted as to be
done thoroughly brown, and ground up as easily and completely as
if he were Mocha.
cook’s pilgrims.
The late Pilgrimage has at least earned the Duke of Hoefolk
and his companions a name. Those devotees are now denominated
Xorfolk Dumplings.