DOI issue:
October 4, 1873
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16937#0144
132
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 4, 1873.
OUR REVISING BARRISTER.
HE Battle of the
Constitution is now
being fought in
the Registration
Courts, as the late
Sir Robert Peel
suggested that it
ought to be. Mr.
Punch has been
sitting incessantly,
purifying and in-
creasing the Re-
gistry. It has been
hard work, for the
weather has been
hot (whatever it
may be when this
is read), and he
has had to imitate
the gallant judge
who decided be-
tween Silas Fix-
ings and Nehemiah
Podge.
“ All naked were his manly arms, and shaded by his hat,
Like some old senator of Home, that simple Archon sat.”
He has had a good deal of trouble with some of the claimants of
votes, but he flatters himself that he has polished them off hand-
somely.
Exempli gratia (which for the benefit of those dear ‘ ‘ self-made
men” he translates, “ for the sake of example”—it is put thus,
u e. g.” for shortness, gentlemen) he transcribes a passage, and a
passage at arms, from his note-book.
Timothy Jerks claimed to vote for Marylebone, in respect of a
house which he occupies in Skimpole Street, Cavendish Square. He
was objected to by both the Liberal and the Conservative agent, and
also by the Overseers.
Mr. Punch. There seems to be a deal of objection to you, Jinks.
How can you be so objectionable ?
Mr. Jinks. Do you see anything so objectionable about me, Sir ?
Mr. Punch. Well, if you come to that, I can’t say I do. Your
hair might be better cut, and that blue cravat with salmon spots is
caddish to the last extent, but I do not see that those facts should
deprive you of political rights. What is urged against you ? Give
me the notice.
Liberal Agent. To save the Court trouble--
Mr. Punch. Sir, I decline to be saved trouble. I sit here to
receive trouble, and, to do you justice, you supply me liberally, as a
Liberal should, ha ! ha ! ha! ha ! (Everybody convulsed for ten
minutes.)
Conservative Agent. I would withdraw our objection, Sir, if-
Mr. Punch. You will withdraw yourself, Sir, if you presume to
repeat such an unconvolutional, I mean unconstitutional proposal.
You are not going to play fast and loose, nor are you going to blow
cold and hot, nor are you going to hold with the hare and run with
the hounds.
Conservative Agent. Sir, your wisdom is proverbial.
Mr. Punch. If you mean that for a scoff, Sir, go to prison for six
months with hard labour. If you mean it for a compliment, you ’re
another. How, get on, get on. I really cannot allow the business
of the Court to be delayed in this manner. Remember, we owe a
duty to the public, and we should endeavour to proceed with work
as rapidly as is compatible with the interests of justice, than which,
as Cicero says, in a passage which you may recollect, for I don’t,
nothing can he more divine. Will you go on ? Why do you object
to Jinks of the Blue Cravat ?
Jjiberal Agent. I fancy I am entitled to speak first, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Do you. Then you ’ll speak last, Sir. Fancies do
not become respectable solicitors. Do you know the pretty music,
“ Tell me where is fancy bred ? ”
Liberal Agent. Yes, Sir, and the answer to the inquiry ; namely,
“ I am not a baker.”
Mr. Punch. Ha ! Yery clever, very smart, very new! Excellent!
{Waxesfurious.) How dare you, Sir, insult the Court with such
levity ? Once more, will you tell me your objection to Jinks of the
Salmon Spots ?
Liberal Agent. You said I was not to speak, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Take care, Sir, take care, or you will get into
trouble.
Liberal Agent. I submit, Sir-
Mr. Punch. You had better, Sir, I can tell you. Well ?
Liberal Agent. The Overseers, in the discharge of their duty,
which is-
Mr. Punch. Do you imagine, Sir, or do you fancy, Sir, as you
like the word, that I do not know the duties of an Overseer ? Do
you think I am not aware that the word means the same as Bishop ?
Liberal Agent. As a Dissenter, Mr. Punch, I protest against any
such statement, or any theological allusions, in this Court.
Mr. Punch. 0, you are a Dissenter, are you ? I never saw one
before. I have seen an octopus, though, and many other things.
Do not suppose I have no general information. I know a deal.
Conservative Agent. So do I. It is a sort of wood; likewise distri-
bution of cards at whist, or other games; likewise a town near Dover.
Mr. Punch. There’s one game, Sir, that you will do well to
avoid, and that is trifling with the Court. Now, as this Dissenter,
who, all the same, seems to me a most respectable man, and an
honour to his chapel, will not tell us about Jinks, perhaps you will
be so good. Is the poor man to stand there with a blue cravat and
lacerated feelings all day ?
Mr. Jinks. I am not exactly a xioor man, Sir. Men with houses
in Skimpole Street are usually rich men. But I forgive you, as you
meant well.
Mr. Punch. No living man shall forgive me, Sir. How dare
you? Take back your forgiveness this moment. I did not mean
well. Let well alone. I begin to think that you are objectionable.
Liberal Agent. Sir, with your usual perspicacity-
Mr. Punch {aside). Don’t much like the word—reminds one of
perspiration, which is needless. Never mind.
L,iberal Agent. Pem acu tetigisti.
Mr. Punch. I like to hear Homer quoted—shows a man is a
gentleman. Didn’t know that Dissenters were allowed to read Homer.
Liberal Agent. You have discovered, Sir, that Mr. Jinks is a
humbug. We discovered it a little earlier, and therefore objected
to him.
Mr. Punch. I am ashamed of you, Jinks. To be a rascal may be
an accident—to be a humbug is a crime. To think that this should
become a Criminal Court!
Mr. Jinks. Ask bim why he says so, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Don’t be dictatorial, Jinks. I won’t stand it in a
man with a blue cravat. However, I ask the question.
Liberal Agent. Mr. Jinks was repeatedly and respectfully
requested-
Mr. Punch. That’s the Three R.’s.
Liberal Agent. To say for whom he would vote at the next elec-
tion. He roughly and rampagiously refused.
Mr. Punch. Three more. Three and three make six.
Liberal Agent. Your arithmetic is unexceptionable, Sir. Well,
Sir, we thought that as his name was a vulgar one, “Jinks,” he
would naturally think it the aristocratic thing to vote for a Tory, so
we objected to him.
Mr. Punch. And you ?
Conservative Agent. We put a similar question; we received a
similar answer.
Mr. Punch. Or reply ? You might as well have said reply, but
the moral is the same. Well.
Conservative Agent. We thought that, as his name was a vulgar
one “Jinks,” he would naturally be a vulgarian, and vote fora
Radical, so we objected to him.
Mr. Punch. And is this the Nineteenth Century ?
Conservative Agent. I am not on oath, Sir, but, if you ask me my
impression, I believe that it is, because the last was the Eighteenth.
Mr. Punch {smiling). Now that’s a very curious fact, and you
reason from it very ingeniously. But I forgot, I was in a rage. I
was going to ask, with becoming indignation, whether in the nine-
teenth century a man could be robbed of his rights because he refused
to declare his intentions. {Aside. A deuced neat sentence that.)
Mr. Jinks. Bravo ! Bravo! Bravo ! A Daniel come to judgment!
[ Throws up his hat against the ceiling.
Mr. Punch. Jinks, I suppose you got that hat out of a shop.
Mr. Jinks. I did, Sir.
Mr. Punch. But, like the nigger, you can’t tell the price of it,
because the shopkeeper didn’t happen to be there just then.
Mr. Jinks. Sir, I paid for it.
Mr. Punch. Then, Sir, you must be a fool to damage a hat which
you have paid for. I happen to know that the Legislature did not
intend to confer the franchise on fools. Your name is struck off the
list, and now what have the Overseers to say ?
Overseer. It is not his house at all, Sir, it is his son’s.
Mr. Jinks. It is taken in his name, but I pay the rent, and he is
in Africa.
Mr. Punch. Monster! You have sent your son to Africa to be
eaten by lions and tigers and missionaries and cassowaries, and you
claim a vote in his name. In the whole annals of crime I never read
anything so atrocious. Satan—I mean Saturn, devoming his
offspring, was the Prodigal Son’s father compared to you. Your
vote is gone for ever. And I say, Jinks, do you want to let that
house in Skimpole Street, because I know a young couple who are
looking out, and I dare say we shouldn’t quarrel about terms.
Come in here. [ The Court rose for lunch.
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[October 4, 1873.
OUR REVISING BARRISTER.
HE Battle of the
Constitution is now
being fought in
the Registration
Courts, as the late
Sir Robert Peel
suggested that it
ought to be. Mr.
Punch has been
sitting incessantly,
purifying and in-
creasing the Re-
gistry. It has been
hard work, for the
weather has been
hot (whatever it
may be when this
is read), and he
has had to imitate
the gallant judge
who decided be-
tween Silas Fix-
ings and Nehemiah
Podge.
“ All naked were his manly arms, and shaded by his hat,
Like some old senator of Home, that simple Archon sat.”
He has had a good deal of trouble with some of the claimants of
votes, but he flatters himself that he has polished them off hand-
somely.
Exempli gratia (which for the benefit of those dear ‘ ‘ self-made
men” he translates, “ for the sake of example”—it is put thus,
u e. g.” for shortness, gentlemen) he transcribes a passage, and a
passage at arms, from his note-book.
Timothy Jerks claimed to vote for Marylebone, in respect of a
house which he occupies in Skimpole Street, Cavendish Square. He
was objected to by both the Liberal and the Conservative agent, and
also by the Overseers.
Mr. Punch. There seems to be a deal of objection to you, Jinks.
How can you be so objectionable ?
Mr. Jinks. Do you see anything so objectionable about me, Sir ?
Mr. Punch. Well, if you come to that, I can’t say I do. Your
hair might be better cut, and that blue cravat with salmon spots is
caddish to the last extent, but I do not see that those facts should
deprive you of political rights. What is urged against you ? Give
me the notice.
Liberal Agent. To save the Court trouble--
Mr. Punch. Sir, I decline to be saved trouble. I sit here to
receive trouble, and, to do you justice, you supply me liberally, as a
Liberal should, ha ! ha ! ha! ha ! (Everybody convulsed for ten
minutes.)
Conservative Agent. I would withdraw our objection, Sir, if-
Mr. Punch. You will withdraw yourself, Sir, if you presume to
repeat such an unconvolutional, I mean unconstitutional proposal.
You are not going to play fast and loose, nor are you going to blow
cold and hot, nor are you going to hold with the hare and run with
the hounds.
Conservative Agent. Sir, your wisdom is proverbial.
Mr. Punch. If you mean that for a scoff, Sir, go to prison for six
months with hard labour. If you mean it for a compliment, you ’re
another. How, get on, get on. I really cannot allow the business
of the Court to be delayed in this manner. Remember, we owe a
duty to the public, and we should endeavour to proceed with work
as rapidly as is compatible with the interests of justice, than which,
as Cicero says, in a passage which you may recollect, for I don’t,
nothing can he more divine. Will you go on ? Why do you object
to Jinks of the Blue Cravat ?
Jjiberal Agent. I fancy I am entitled to speak first, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Do you. Then you ’ll speak last, Sir. Fancies do
not become respectable solicitors. Do you know the pretty music,
“ Tell me where is fancy bred ? ”
Liberal Agent. Yes, Sir, and the answer to the inquiry ; namely,
“ I am not a baker.”
Mr. Punch. Ha ! Yery clever, very smart, very new! Excellent!
{Waxesfurious.) How dare you, Sir, insult the Court with such
levity ? Once more, will you tell me your objection to Jinks of the
Salmon Spots ?
Liberal Agent. You said I was not to speak, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Take care, Sir, take care, or you will get into
trouble.
Liberal Agent. I submit, Sir-
Mr. Punch. You had better, Sir, I can tell you. Well ?
Liberal Agent. The Overseers, in the discharge of their duty,
which is-
Mr. Punch. Do you imagine, Sir, or do you fancy, Sir, as you
like the word, that I do not know the duties of an Overseer ? Do
you think I am not aware that the word means the same as Bishop ?
Liberal Agent. As a Dissenter, Mr. Punch, I protest against any
such statement, or any theological allusions, in this Court.
Mr. Punch. 0, you are a Dissenter, are you ? I never saw one
before. I have seen an octopus, though, and many other things.
Do not suppose I have no general information. I know a deal.
Conservative Agent. So do I. It is a sort of wood; likewise distri-
bution of cards at whist, or other games; likewise a town near Dover.
Mr. Punch. There’s one game, Sir, that you will do well to
avoid, and that is trifling with the Court. Now, as this Dissenter,
who, all the same, seems to me a most respectable man, and an
honour to his chapel, will not tell us about Jinks, perhaps you will
be so good. Is the poor man to stand there with a blue cravat and
lacerated feelings all day ?
Mr. Jinks. I am not exactly a xioor man, Sir. Men with houses
in Skimpole Street are usually rich men. But I forgive you, as you
meant well.
Mr. Punch. No living man shall forgive me, Sir. How dare
you? Take back your forgiveness this moment. I did not mean
well. Let well alone. I begin to think that you are objectionable.
Liberal Agent. Sir, with your usual perspicacity-
Mr. Punch {aside). Don’t much like the word—reminds one of
perspiration, which is needless. Never mind.
L,iberal Agent. Pem acu tetigisti.
Mr. Punch. I like to hear Homer quoted—shows a man is a
gentleman. Didn’t know that Dissenters were allowed to read Homer.
Liberal Agent. You have discovered, Sir, that Mr. Jinks is a
humbug. We discovered it a little earlier, and therefore objected
to him.
Mr. Punch. I am ashamed of you, Jinks. To be a rascal may be
an accident—to be a humbug is a crime. To think that this should
become a Criminal Court!
Mr. Jinks. Ask bim why he says so, Sir.
Mr. Punch. Don’t be dictatorial, Jinks. I won’t stand it in a
man with a blue cravat. However, I ask the question.
Liberal Agent. Mr. Jinks was repeatedly and respectfully
requested-
Mr. Punch. That’s the Three R.’s.
Liberal Agent. To say for whom he would vote at the next elec-
tion. He roughly and rampagiously refused.
Mr. Punch. Three more. Three and three make six.
Liberal Agent. Your arithmetic is unexceptionable, Sir. Well,
Sir, we thought that as his name was a vulgar one, “Jinks,” he
would naturally think it the aristocratic thing to vote for a Tory, so
we objected to him.
Mr. Punch. And you ?
Conservative Agent. We put a similar question; we received a
similar answer.
Mr. Punch. Or reply ? You might as well have said reply, but
the moral is the same. Well.
Conservative Agent. We thought that, as his name was a vulgar
one “Jinks,” he would naturally be a vulgarian, and vote fora
Radical, so we objected to him.
Mr. Punch. And is this the Nineteenth Century ?
Conservative Agent. I am not on oath, Sir, but, if you ask me my
impression, I believe that it is, because the last was the Eighteenth.
Mr. Punch {smiling). Now that’s a very curious fact, and you
reason from it very ingeniously. But I forgot, I was in a rage. I
was going to ask, with becoming indignation, whether in the nine-
teenth century a man could be robbed of his rights because he refused
to declare his intentions. {Aside. A deuced neat sentence that.)
Mr. Jinks. Bravo ! Bravo! Bravo ! A Daniel come to judgment!
[ Throws up his hat against the ceiling.
Mr. Punch. Jinks, I suppose you got that hat out of a shop.
Mr. Jinks. I did, Sir.
Mr. Punch. But, like the nigger, you can’t tell the price of it,
because the shopkeeper didn’t happen to be there just then.
Mr. Jinks. Sir, I paid for it.
Mr. Punch. Then, Sir, you must be a fool to damage a hat which
you have paid for. I happen to know that the Legislature did not
intend to confer the franchise on fools. Your name is struck off the
list, and now what have the Overseers to say ?
Overseer. It is not his house at all, Sir, it is his son’s.
Mr. Jinks. It is taken in his name, but I pay the rent, and he is
in Africa.
Mr. Punch. Monster! You have sent your son to Africa to be
eaten by lions and tigers and missionaries and cassowaries, and you
claim a vote in his name. In the whole annals of crime I never read
anything so atrocious. Satan—I mean Saturn, devoming his
offspring, was the Prodigal Son’s father compared to you. Your
vote is gone for ever. And I say, Jinks, do you want to let that
house in Skimpole Street, because I know a young couple who are
looking out, and I dare say we shouldn’t quarrel about terms.
Come in here. [ The Court rose for lunch.