Punch (65.1873)

October 11, 1873.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

149

>ARRY AT SEA.

First Yachting Man. “ I thought her a very nice Girl; so much savoir

FAIRS-”

Second Ditto (Royal Tha/mes Y.C.). “Fair? Ah, then it must be a Sister,
’cause THE ONE I MEAN ’S A REG’LAR BrOONETTE ! ”

THE PALAVER AT NORWICH.

Volumes of windy, vapoury words,

Once more on Social Science spent!
Just now as by gregarious birds
Convened in raucous parliament;

Save that these talkers, perched on trees,
Together all at once exclaim ;

Which, if those did as well as these,
’Twould all amount to much the same.

What, then, if breath alone is lost;

No time, of value, thrown away
In speeches which no money cost ?

And fully worth all that were they,
When one, the first and best of all,

In a long tale conveyed this sting;
What people Social Science call
Is, as for Science, no such thing.

A PRECIOUS LOOK-OUT.

We confess with deep humility that we rarely read
a Money Article. Like the witches in Macbeth, we have
no speculation in our eyes, and we therefore care but
little if the funds go up or down, if Railways are de-
pressed, or Telegraphs are buoyant. Besides, we really
know no more of City slang than we do of Chinese
chaff, or the language of King Coffee. The other
morning we, however, nearly choked ourselves at break-
fast in our surprise at seeing these words begin a Money
Article:—

“ The prospect of a drain of gold to America ”-

This at once so took our breath away that we could read
no further. Our eyes indeed were dazzled by the
prospect laid before them. What would not Midas,
say, have given to behold it? Fancy a drain of gold
reaching to America! What a precious piece of work
for the Commissioners of Sewers! As for our main
drainage scheme, costly as it is, we must confess its
insignificance, compared with the golden sub-Atlantic
drain in prospect.

NOMENCLATURE ECCLESIASTICAL.

Two Saints ought certainly to have a Day to them-
selves ; viz., St. Swithun and St. Margaret Pattens.

SNIPPINGS POE SUB-EDITORS.

To be scattered in the Newspapers during the Dull Season.

Singular Discovery.—We learn from information we have re-
cently received tha,t the elderly domestic employed by the Govern-
ment in the capacity of charwoman, has made a highly curious, if
not unique, discovery. While engaged the other day in cleaning
out a cupboard in the Treasury Department, she found, hidden
underneath a dusty bundle of old. documents, a quantity of cheese-
parings and. candle-ends, _ and sundry other orts and fragments,
which, having been examined by the aid of a strong microscope,
have proved to be the cuticles of siliceous deposit; or, in simpler
language, we may say the skins of flints.

A Holiday Well Spent.—A rumour has been gaining audience
at the Clubs that the ex-President of the Board of Works is em-
ploying a part of his hardly-earned vacation in compiling a series of
courteous retorts, selected from the speeches he has made while
holding office, and which he hopes may form a serviceable book of
precedents for the use of his successor. We fear, however, that the
hope is hardly likely to be realised, for, in the fine art of courteous
abuse, we apprehend that no one but himself can ever be his
parallel.

A. Monster Monument.—It has been computed by an eminent
statistician that the newspaper reports of the pending monster trial
would, if they were set up in a single column, reach in a straight
line from the summit of St. Paul’s to within a hundred miles and
seven furlongs of the moon.

Animal Sagacity.—Our Military Correspondent telegraphs as
follows:—'“An instance of remarkable sagacity has this moment
been revealed to me, which I will lose no time in bringing to the
notice of Sir Wilfrid Lawson. It appears that a trooper’s horse
belonging to the gallant Onety-Oneth, a regiment now notorious for
its teetotal proclivities, has been for some weeks past afflicted with
a shivering fit whenever it has happened to pass a public-house.

Investigation being made as to the cause of the complaint, it was
discovered that the animal happened to be present when its gallant
master pledged his troth to total abstinence, and there is no doubt
that its shudders have arisen from the sight of the numerous tempta-
tions wherewith he is beset.”

Literary Intelligence.—Among forthcoming works of interest
an Essay on the Art of Snubbing Deputations may, we hear, be
shortly looked for at the hand of tne Home Secretary. Moreover,
it is whispered that the Premier is clevoting some spare hours
(when he can find them) to the discussion, in a pamphlet, of the
merits of the question, Shall Hodge have a Vote ?

Curious, if True. — Some remarkable phenomena have been
observed within the last few days upon the Great East-Western
Railway. As many as two trains have started punctual to their
time, and three have not been more than fifteen minutes late in
their arrival at the terminus. Moreover, on no fewer than five
distinct occasions there has been room enough provided for all the
first-class passengers ; and, what perhaps is still more wonderful, a
porter and a guard have both declined, with thanks, the offer of a
gratuity, on the ground that it transgressed the regulations of the
Company.

Astronomical.

There can he no doubt that the Moon is inhabited, and by a race
of people who make calls, and leave cards, and give dinner-parties,
and go out to dances and evening receptions, just as we do in this gay
planet. Shakspeare settled the question long ago, when (in
Antony and Cleopatra) he referred to “the visiting moon.”

A HAPPY THOUGHT FOR TRAVELLERS.

Railway officials, possibly, may not be strict grammarians, but
there is little doubt that most of them are now well versed in
Accidence.