Punch (65.1873)

November 8, 1873.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

183

Wellington Boots is wild at this. “ Then,” says he, quite losing
■■all the temper he ever had, “ we haven’t any rooms.”

I insist upon it that there are rooms, and he suddenly lights two
■chamber candles, and tells us to follow Blucher Boots.

My Chance Companion, who • has been watching this scene, and
casting occasional pleading looks at me, as much as to say, “ Don’t,
please, or I shan’t get a bed, and I’m so tired,” now takes up his
hag, and is evidently pleased at the prospect of immediate sheets.

But I am resolute. “ Where,” I demand, “ are these rooms ? ”

“He’ll show you, if you’ll go,” says Wellington, indicating
Blucher with his head, and turning away sulkily.

Scene.—Hall of Hotel. Dun light. Arch, right hand, leading to
passage, where stands;, pausing, Blucher with tivo candlesticks and
'Candies lighted, preceding Weary Traveller with hand-hag. Myself
in the centre, with hag and stick, in a sturdy Cromwellian-take-
•away-that-hauble so?'t of attitude. Wellington Boots going sulkily
hack to his bed somewhere on the left. Growling accompaniment at
intervals from under the table.

N.B. As they say in play-books, with regard to stage-directions,
the reader is supposed to be on the stage facing the audience.

“ Are the rooms,” I demand, “ at the top of the House ?”

“They are,” returns the Long Boots, scowling, as though the
admission had been wrung from him by my severe cross-examination.

“Then,” I say to my Chance Companion, “you take ’em: I
shan’t. I shall go to the Hotel de Paris.”

My Chance Companion, clearly wearied by the strife, throws
towards me one despairing glance, with something, too, of reproach
in it, which lie perhaps means should haunt me to my dying day,
and follows the Short Boots as though I had ordered him away to
instant execution in a private room.

“Farewell, Brave Spaniard! and when next-”, but he has

walked off.

I go to the Hotel de Paris, Anglice superior sort of English tavern.
Brisk person to welcome me. Room first floor. Large bed. Gigantic
washing-stand. Everything thoroughly English in the Hotel de
Paris. Prints on the walls; a sufficiently rare collection to distract
me for some time from going to sleep. The subject of one of the
prints is the Earl _oe Roxbtjrghe, Marquis of something, Earl of,
&c. &c., with all his titles in full, fishing in view of a Bridge and
Abbey ; also portrait of the distinguished fish which his Grace is
honouring by catehing, and which is distinctly shown under the
water. By the way I only suppose the sportsman to be the noble
Earl in question, in consequence of the picture being dedicated to
him by his Grace’s obliged servants, &c., &c. There’s a glorious
picture over the mantelpiece of a magnificent bird, half swan, half
stork, in a Primaeval Pond, lighted up with a Turneresque sunset.
Then gradually off to sleep.

First morning in England.—Awake. Strange dream. Hasten to
note it down while fresh, because it’s so odd. I didn’t dream about
the Duke oe Roxbttrghe and the Swan.

My Dream.—I dreamt I was waltzing through the streets of a
town (quite strange to me, yet which I felt I knew perfectly well),
and was going on waltzing in perfect time, airily and gracefully (I
felt conscious of the grace of my actions), yet somehow without
ever turning round. This apparently impossible feat I seemed to
be performing without effort, and quite naturally, to a beautiful
tune, played on a barrel-organ, which, at the same time, I couldn’t
hear. Strange, too, I woke waltzing, and humming some tune
which I couldn’t catch.

Happy Thought.—Home again. Report to my Aunt about Bou-
logne. It won’t do. Bologne is, I tell her, a ville sans egouts, or, at
■all events, with only superficial egouts. She hands me several letters
from friends, which have arrived in my absence, about the horse
I am buying.

Happy Thought.-— Think I’ve got something to suit me at last.
Devote myself now to purchase of horse.

Frantic Intelligence.

A telegram came from Penang the other day, saying :—

“ It is rumoured that the Aeheenese are burning their pepper plantations.”

Can it be credited that the Aeheenese are such insane barbarians
as to cut off their noses to spite their faces ? How absurd, too, the
idea of their burning their pepper plantations, as if it were possible
they could think their pepper was not hot enough already !

THE CANINE MYSTERY.

Recent revelations in Spiritualism have suggested the probability
that the inevitable dog that runs the gauntlet on a race-course is a
supernatural being. Opinions are divided as to whether he is the
same thing as “ the Spectre Hound in Man,” or an apparition of the
original Dog in the Manger.

LECTURES FOR LADIES.

3>AHHT*ZTPF?HTj

agerly we have received from
our very special University
Correspondent the following
programme of the Lectures
which will be delivered during
the present term, at the College
for Women recently opened at
Girton, Cambridge.

The Regius Professor of Costume will deliver her Inaugural Lec-
ture on “ Winter Fashions,” on Saturday, the 8th of November, at
11 a.m. In order to accommodate as large an audience as possible,
the Lecture wdll be given in the College Hall. During the Lecture
patterns will be handed round for inspection.

The Culinary Professor will lecture on Mondays and Fridays, at
twelve o’clock, on “ The Plain Joint,” and on Tuesdays and Thurs-
days, at the same hour, on “Soup or Fish.” Students desirous to
attend the first course will be required to satisfy the Professor
that they can distinguish the aitchbone from the sirloin, and the
brisket from the ribs; and to demonstrate on the black board
the chump end and the fillet. The course “Soup or Fish” will
be open to all wTho can name two clear soups and two white
soups, and who know the difference between cod and haddock, and
soles and whiting.

The Regius Professor of Needlework will deliver her Inaugural
Lecture on Thursday, November 6th, at Sevenp.M.—subject, “Patch-
work.” It will be followed by a course of four Lectures, on each
succeeding Thursday, at the same hour, on “The Sewing-Machine.”
The machine which will be used is the “ Clot ho,” fitted with the
new patent self-satisfied centripetal treadles, combining the elegance
of the Lock-Stitch with the utility of the Single-Thread, and war-
ranted to work in all climates noiselessly, fearlessly, and well.
(Cotton and Twist, sole agents for the sale of the “Clotho,” will
be happy to supply it to Students at a reduced rate.)

The Professor of Domestic Economy will deliver six Lectures on
the Wednesdays and Saturdays in November, commencing on Wed-
nesday the 12th at Ten p.m. The subjects will be as follows:—I. and
II.—The Management of Servants. III.—Washing at Home;
Washing put out. IY.— Meat Teas. Y.—House Cleaning. YI.—
Dressmaking at home.

The Professor of Hygiene will deliver an Introductory Lecture
on Friday the 7th of November, at Eight a.m. Short Syllabus-
Early rising—Late hours—Hot rooms—Cold passages—Evening dress
—Thin boots—High heels—Small bonnets—Cosmetics—Concluding
remarks on Coddling.

The Reader in Etiquette will have the pleasure of delivering a
Lecture on “ The Yisiting Customs and Ceremonies of All Nations,”
on Tuesday the 11th of November at Three p.m. Students proposing
to attend are requested to do the Reader the favour of leaving their
cards at her rooms on or before the previous Saturday. The Reader
will be happy to see any lady friends students may desire to in-
troduce.

The Teacher of Darning is anxious to form an Evening Class to
meet twice a week for instruction and practice. Students wishing
to become Members are requested to call on the Teacher, with speci-
mens of their proficiency.