Punch (73.1877)

October 13, 1877.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

161

The "bitter" round here is jest lummy, and as for their soda-
and-B.,

It's ekal to " fiz," and no error, and suits this small child to a T.

The weeds as I 'ye blown is a caution;—I'm nuts on a tuppenny
smoke.

Don't care for the baths, but there's sailing, and rollicking rides on
a moke.

I've sung comic songs on the cliffs after dark, and wot's fun if that
ain't ?

And I've chiselled my name in a church on the cheek of a rummy
stone Saint.

So, Charlie, I think you will see I've been doing the tourist to
rights.

Good grub and prime larks in the daytime, and billiards and bitter
at nights;

That's wot / calls 'oliday-making, my pippin. I wish you was
here,

Jest wouldn't we go it extensive ! But now I am off for the pier.

To ogle the girls. 'Ow they likes it! though some of their dragons
looks blue.

But lor! if a chap has a way with the Sex, wot the doose can he do ?
The toffs may look thunder and tommy on me and my spicey rig out,
But they don't stare yours faithfully down, as it's all nasty envy,
no doubt.

Ta, ta! There's a boat coming in, and the sea has bin roughish all
day;

All our fellows will be on the watch, and / mustn't be out of the
way.

Carn't yer manige to run down on Sunday ? I tell yer it's larks,
and no kid!

Yours bloomingly, 'Arry.

P.S.—I have parted with close on four quid!

GREAT INDIGNATION MEETING.

A

meeting for

the Abolition of
Trial by Jury
was held on Mon-
day evening at the
"Pig and Tinder-
box," Mr. Spouter,
Q.C. (Queer Card),
occupying the Chair.

In opening the
proceedings, the
Chairman remarked
that, as the matter
for discussion was
rather a dry subject,
they had better
whet their whistles
while they were
debating it, and so
he begged the pri-
vilege of standing
glasses round.
{Cheers.)

Mr. Taller, of
Tooley Street, said
that, speaking in
the name of the
entire British nation— (" Hear /")—he considered trial by jury was
an obsolete institution, and he thought that trial by journal should
be substituted for it. {Applause.) In these days of penny news-
papers and general enlightenment, what was the good of shutting
up a dozen blockheads in a box, when their verdict wasn't thought
worth a rush by persons of good sense—(" Question .' ")—he meant to
say by persons like himself, who formed their judgment of a case
by reading a few fragments of the evidence reported, and then
arguing the matter with some fellows at/the bar—(" Question / ")—he
meant to say at the bar of their usual public-house. {Laughter.)

Mr. Dunderhead agreed that the best way to decide a case was
not to hear the whole of the evidence adduced—(" Hear ! ")—for the
words of many witnesses were frequently conflicting, and this
had a disturbing effect upon the mind, and might lead to a poor juror
being shut up without supper for the night. {Sensation.)

Mr. Dodger held that speculative evidence should be ruled as in-
admissible in Courts of so-called justice. His business being some-
what of a speculative nature, he had personal grounds for hoping

that all witnesses against him might be legally excluded when he
appeared in Court. (" Hear ! " and a laugh.)

_ Mr. Scribbleton desired that the thanks of the meeting should be
given to those .clever correspondents of newspapers, who, with so
much wisdom at the close of a long trial, used all their powers of
reasoning to prove the verdict was unjust, and to criticise and cen-
sure the Judge's summing-up. {Cheers.)

Mr. Numskull thought it monstrous that a weak and erring
mortal—(" Hear J")—should be entrusted with the awful power of
passing actual sentence of, perchance, six months' imprisonment on
any poor misguided pickpocket who, but for the police, might have
led a happy life. {Applause.)

Mr. Iddyott remarked that, if any proof were wanting to show
the utter worthlessness and wickedness of jury-trials, it might be
found in the person of that poor afflicted Nobleman now resident at
Dartmoor, who, through the mingled persecutions of Jesuits and
jurymen, was slowly being starved, until when, with wasted hgure,
he would sink into the tomb. {Sensation.)

Mr. Mealimouthe observed, with a sigh, that it was pitiable to
reflect that in this noble Christian land there were at sundry
times poor fellow beings — he might even call them brethren—
(" Hear ! ")—who, for a mere error of judgment, such as having
stamped with hobnailed boots on their wife's stomach, or knocked
down some old gentleman to relieve him of his purse—{Laughter)—
were cruelly consigned to the confinement of a dungeon, and there
mercilessly kept without even the comfort of a pipe. {Groans, and
cries of " Shame ! ")

Mr. Clyfaker said he heartily concurred with the last speaker,
and would be jolly glad to drink his jolly good health. {A laugh.)
He had more than once been a sufferer himself, and had felt the
pangs of 'unger in a craving for a smoke. ('' Poor fellow ! ") As
for 'bolishing of juries, of course he was " all there "—(" Hear I ")—
and he'd like to go the 'ole 'og, and 'bolish all the blessed Beaks.
{Applause.) It was a [strong word] shame that gaols should be
kep up at the cost of the community, and the liberty of the subj ect
hinterfered with by the Crushers, who went about like lions, seeking
parties to devour. {Cheers.) What was the [strong word] good of
being born in a free country, if a cove weren't free to collar what he
took a fancy to ? {Here the orator in his vehemence chanced to let
his left hand touch his 7ieighbour,s watch-chain, and the gesture
being construed into an attempt at larceny, a policeman was called
in by Mr. Mealimouthe, and the Meeting in confusion suddenly
broke up.) _

FRIARS v. FREEMASONS.

There lately appeared in the Civiltd Cattolica a profession of the
principles of Freemasonry, in the form of a creed asserted to have
been revealed by a penitent Freemason on his deathbed. It consists
of twelve Articles, all the shameful particulars of which, however,
may be said to be comprehended in the two last:—

" 11. Possurnus omnia facere qua volumus absque levi ctiain culpa.."
" 12. Ergo semper liberi surnus."

If the liberty to commit every possible crime at pleasure is what
constitutes the freedom of Freemasonry, what a horrible system of
immorality and impiety Freemasonry must be, and what miscreants,
in theory, if not in practice, are all Freemasons ! Freemasonry, at
that rate, may well call itself a craft—the worst of all the crafts and
snares of the Enemy. Holy Church is quite right in condemning it,
and her Pope and her Prelates cannot but choose to declare any and
everyone of her sons connected with it a heretic, and do, or would
do, well to excommunicate him with bell, book, and candle.. Of
course, Cardinal Manning could not possibly suffer the Marquis of
Ripon to retain the chair wherein his successor is the Prince of
Wales. If, that is—much virtue in anj' if "—if the creed above
quoted from the Civiltd Cattolica is a bond fide_belief ; and, if again,
it is not a solecism to call fides in connection with such a belief bona.
But is that Belief genuine ? and, if not, is it a hoax on the Civiltd
Cattolica? or is that journal a comic clerical paper, capable of
rather unscrupulous satire ? or are its conductors enthusiasts who,
on behalf of their religion, don't mind bearing false witness against
their neighbours ?

Origin of Species.

Ireland is justly celebrated for pigs. The following certificate
concerning pigs of an obviously Irish breed lately appeared in the
Cincinnati Commercial:—

" The pedigrees of these animals are as line and good as any animals I have
ever bred since I originated this breed of swine. D. M. Magie."

May this declaration be taken to prove the converse of Mr.
Darwin's theory ? Or does it rather seem to imply that some pigs
—originated in America by an Irish gentleman—are bipeds ? -