Punch (73.1877)

October 13, 1877.] PUNCH. OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 167

A WAIL FOR THE WHALE.

Ah, alas! it is over for ever !

Has the climate—which most of us kills—
Settled thee ? Say, again shall I never

Read thy name in large type in the bills ?

Must I stand at the door with my^ shilling,
But to hear thy too pitiful tale ?

" We can picture an'Elephant wheezing,
Or a Python knocked over by cramp,

But a Whale!—we can't fancy that sneezing,
With a pulse at a hundred—from damp ! "

So I wonder, at human invention
Jf thy too tishy nature took fright,

Is it useless to urge that I'm willing— ! When each minute, with kindest intention,

Quite — to put down one more ' for the j gome one soused thee all day — and all
Whale?" night!

Alas, yes, 'tis too true! Though they caught i If that voyage acr0ss the Atlantic,—

thee, Meant to handsomely butter thy bread,—

Prepared for thee honours untold— Made thee lo for a voice to cry f rantio

P raps with Pongo to dine might have taught <• 0h; do st l ,yQ a cold in - head •
thee,

THE LAST PIC-NIC OF THE
SEASON.

Scene—A well-known Place of Amusement.

lie. Are you quite sure you won't take a
little'more champagne ?

She. Oh dear no, thanks. I have had
plenty.

He. May I give you a little more lobster
salad ?

She. Thanks, so much; but I have quite
finished.

He. Perhaps I might get you another
novel to read. They may be some time yet.

She. But isn't Mudie's a long way off ?

He. Oh dear no—get there in a cab in
less than no time. But never mind ; here
they come. I will wait for the verdict, and
then hurry down to see after the carriage.

She. But, really this is giving you too
much trouble; and wouldn't you like to hear
them sentenced to death ? Why, /wouldn't
miss that part of the fun for worlds !

'[Scene closes in upon Law, Fashion,
and Hysterics.

They couldn't quite cope with thy cold.

And though M.D.'s abound in thy quarter,
Alas, what could their science suggest ?

They might say, "Put its tail in hot-water,—
Try a plaster or two on its chest.

" Such a cold!—all our practice can'tmatch it;

It floods diagnosis with doubt.
Where on earth did our young patient catch it ?
Has it been in the water—or out ?

Such a cold ! Ah, too late they all rue it!

And denounce thy berth minus a lid,—
With a douche ! For if that didn't do it,

DEFECT IN A DAIRY SHOW.

The Dairy Show held at the Agricultural
Hall, Islington, last year, having proved a
success, similar exhibitions are to be held
there annually. The second of them took
place last week. It comprised an extra-
ordinary collection of goats, donkeys, and
mules ; also some butter made of sheeps'
milk, but no cows appear to have figured,
either personally or by their representative
products, butyraceous or caseous, amongst
the lactiferous animals. Heifers, accord-
ing to the report of a contemporary, were
conspicuous by their absence; the cattle-
plague regulations having rendered a
general exhibition of cows impossible. Thus,
rather oddly, the Dairy Show, though a
capital one on the whole, was compara-
tively deficient in the particular Mam-
malia chiefly tributary to Dairies. But
its chief deficiency was more remarkable
than that. Fancy a Dairy Show including
no specimen of that copious, or perhaps
even chief replenisher of milk-pans that is
not a mammal — the Cow with the Iron
Tail!

Parsons and Priests.

'Tis not easy to tell thee what did ! It is stated that the Society of the Holy

Cross will in future admit none but bene-
Ah ! but there,—all is over for ever ! j ficed clergy to membership. But if the

Though thy tank daily empties and tills, Church of England were properly gov-
I shall never again—I shall never erned, how many of the reverend gentry

Read thy name in large type in the playing the " Priest in Absolution" would
bills! ! retain their benefices ?

has rarely, if ever, been attained since his decease. His real name
was Plantagenet Greek.

Mary Queen oe Scots, instead of being beheaded, retired to Ire-
land, where she was joined by Lady Jane Grey and Lord Dudley.
They were all three remarkably fond] of music, specially Lord
Dudley, who started an Opera House in Dublin, and made a con-
siderable fortune in the first season.

Guy Faux was a literary friend of King James's and the only
foundation for the Gunpowder Plot fiction was that they were
engaged together in getting up a new Magazine which was to set the
Thames on fire. Lord Mounteagle and Tresham were among the
contributors. In fact, if it hadn't been for little boys on the 5th of
November, the invention of ^reworks (by Guy Faux himself), and
the romantic pen of Mr. Harrison Ainsworth, this extraordinarily
absurd legend would long since have been forgotten.

Such are a few of the corrigenda which we may expect to be
supplied by our new Historian. When he has finished this great
work we trust he will devote himself to a History of his own country
—Ireland—of which he is a distinguished native, and long may be
remain so! He might get Mr. Boucicault to assist him. What

pleasant evenings they'd pass together collaborating in History
i with "the materials" between them. Wouldn't it end with the
Cruisheen Lawn f " Grammercy," would exclaim Master Wills.
i "Grammachree," would begin Misther Dion, and then they'd
both break into the chorus, and drown it in the bowl. But, sure,
this is how history should be written, if it isn't. So let's have
Wills's Birds-eye View of the History of England, to begin with
as soon as possible.

Above and Below.

The electric current may be charged with inaccuracy in flashing
from the seat of war the following message, published in an evening
paper:—

"Plevna had suffered much by bombardment, yet there were but few
dead or wounded among the inhabitants."

Query, whether intramural interment may not still be practised
at Plevna ; and if the citizens of a necropolis cannot be correctly
said to inhabit it ?