DOI issue:
August 12, 1882
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17753#0080
72
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 12, ibb2.
A CONTINENTAL SCAMPER.
Air—“ When a Man Marries."
Aj\ —-
ake up your
mind to
give com-
fort the
slip,
If you would
go for a
holiday
trip;
Never expect
in the
length of
your flight
A moment of
quiet from
morning to
night!
Guides you
must scan,
capital
plan,
Worrying
Hurraying
hook,book!
Lots of new
maps, tra-
veiling
caps,
Tickettv
picketty,
Cook,Cook.
Order new
coats, cir-
cular notes,
Dashery
cashery,
bright,
bright!
HOLIDAY HAUNTS.
By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt.
TUNBRIDGE WELLS.
Leave Charing Cross—one hour—Tunbridge Wells—here you are !
— Pantiles—very quaint—excellent shops—beneath the limes—band
playing—old-world feeling— behind the time—dreamy—Doctor John-
son—Richardson— Mrs. Thrale—Beau Nash— pretty girls—violets
—daisies—babies and perambulators—want clearing away—band-
master for contributions—lost in thought—look other way—save six-
pence ! Nevill Club—Pump Room—chalybeate spring—ferric oxide
—silica—chlorine—like halfpence boiled in ink— very nasty—good for
health. Nice town—pleasant parks—well-placed villas—Public Hall
— Colonel Company—why cert’nly—Mount Ephraim—Mount Plea-
sant—Tunbridge ware—bound to buy—Barton’s Repository—grand
views—Robinson’s photographs—Chapel of Ease—two hundred years
old—lots of churches—fine hotels—plenty of ’em—Bishop’s Down
Hydropathic—ancient sweepers—like rural deans in reduced cir-
cumstances—brass-tipped brooms—large female population—out-
number male—four to one—lovely walks—High Rocks—Toad Rock—
delightful drives—Bridge Castle—The Moat — Penshurst Park!
Breezy common—fine air—horse exercise—shady seats—everyone
cricket mad—must cultivate cricketual faculties—0, well run!—
well hit, Sir! — Yah! butter-fingers!-—whole population in a
cricketual state of excitement—baby bowlers—lady-longstops—
maiden-midwickets—ball bang in your eye—no matter—quite an
honour—throw it up sharp—look pleasant over it—smile through
blackness—thenkew!
Passport secure, all through your tour,
Railery mailery, night, night!
Worrying Hurraying, ticketty wicketty, &c.
Make up your mind to give comfort the slip, &c.
Bye-roads of France, see at a
glance,
Craekery smackery, Oh ! Oh!
Howyouwill fret, in the banquette,
Creepery sleepery, slow, slow !
Steam up the Rhine, weather so
fine,
Hockerymockery, drink, drink !
Castles—a score, horrible bore ;
Hazily lazily, think, think !
Craekery smackery, &c.,
Make up your mind, &c.
in.
Ne’er will you miss, land of the
Swiss,
Shivery quivery, chill, chill!
Gessler and Tell, terrible sell,
Chargery largery, bill, bill!
See the sun rise, rubbing your
eyes,
Peakery seekery, top, top !
Over a pass, down a crevasse,
Trippery slippery, drop, drop !
Shivery quivery, &c.
Make up your mind, &c.
Railway and boat, big table d'hote,
Dinery winery, crush, crush !
Italy fine, olive and vine,
Scenery greenery, gush, gush !
Palace and church, rapidly search,
Chattering smattering, art, art!
Musquitoes and fleas, always a
tease,
Bitery smitery, smart, smart!
Dinery winery, &c.
Make up your mind, &c.
Soon will you find, body and mind,
Wearily drearily, sad, sad!
Over the sea, quickly you flee,
Merrily verily, glad, glad !
Worn out at last, back you come
fast,
Crossery tossery, foam, foam !
Happy once more, old England’s
shore,
Holiday, jolly day — Home !
Home!!
Wearily drearily, &e.
Make up your mind, &c.
, ,a recent criminal trial, the Prisoner, as an excuse for ill-treat-
ing his Wife, pleaded “ softening of the brain.” Much more likely
to have been “ hardening of the heart.”
t( Gash Payments for Egyptian Expenses.—Cry of Tax-collector,
Down with the ready! ” Cry of Taxpayer, “ Down with the
Blunt! ”
THE SPENDTHRIFT'S GUIDE —No. IV.
To relieve the monotony of spending money for his solitary grati-
fication, the Spendthrift should think how it is best to spend money
for the gratification of others. There are various ways of doing this.
Dinner-parties, four-horse coaches, diamond rings, bracelets, testi-
monials, &c., are all, more or less, old-fashioned. Invention and
enterprise are as necessary in extravagance as in business. The
Spendthrift must look round his native city with an intelligent eye,
and see what public want he can supply on a scale that is worthy of
his capital. He will not have to look far. He will find nearly four
millions of patient stupid people, taxed from the soles of their feet
to the roots of their hair, ridden to death by Bumbledom and licensing
systems, with far less social liberty that the despised Russian, living
in the greatest city in the world without a single Casino or Music-
garden. Casinos and Music-gardens are not the one thing needful,
or the breath of life, but they are things that no other great city has
consented to do without, and which Englishmen can be trusted with
as safely as Germans or Frenchmen.
The Spendthrift will see his opportunity, and act upon it. He will
buy a mansion and grounds from an embarrassed nobleman (there
are plenty about) which he will throw open to the Public, free of
charge. He will go to several cities on the Continent, where music
is not so much a profession as a recreation, and be will select a number
of musicians to form an orchestra. He will light bis grounds with
the Electric Light, if he can find any Electrician not too busy with
company-mongering to attend to him, and he will engage a proper
staff of Masters of the Ceremonies to conduct the dancing in a spirit
worthy of the late Bead Nash, and the late Baron Nathan. He will
decorate his grounds with statues of the most prominent obstructives
on the Middlevex Bench. Thomas Carlyle has received this
indignity, and why not a Middlevex Magistrate ? Our Spendthrift’s
dances will take place six nights a week, and his hand will play every
day and night, including Sundays.
He will occasionally he prosecuted. In a country with twenty
licensing authorities, and only one fish-sauce, he can hardly expect
to be free from this amusing annoyance. He will occasionally be
fined. He will pay the fines. He will have several lawsuits
brought against him. He will defend them, and make arrangements
with his capital to carry them on for ten or twenty years. The New
Law Courts will make this process a little more expensive,_ but
expense, in this case, is only an amusement. A Lunacy Commissioner
will be sent to see him by the Government. He will receive the
Commissioner with full musical honours, and pension him off with
twice the Government honorarium. When he has been proceeded
against by every legal power given to the Sacred Jackasses who rule
the Kingdom of Fools, it will be found that he has done little more
than the Emperor of Austria is doing every day in a portion of the
Palace Gardens at Vienna.
Carriages are not to be taxed, but Income-tax payers are to pav
eightpence in the pound to keep our high road to India in good
repair. So we ’re toll’d.
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[August 12, ibb2.
A CONTINENTAL SCAMPER.
Air—“ When a Man Marries."
Aj\ —-
ake up your
mind to
give com-
fort the
slip,
If you would
go for a
holiday
trip;
Never expect
in the
length of
your flight
A moment of
quiet from
morning to
night!
Guides you
must scan,
capital
plan,
Worrying
Hurraying
hook,book!
Lots of new
maps, tra-
veiling
caps,
Tickettv
picketty,
Cook,Cook.
Order new
coats, cir-
cular notes,
Dashery
cashery,
bright,
bright!
HOLIDAY HAUNTS.
By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt.
TUNBRIDGE WELLS.
Leave Charing Cross—one hour—Tunbridge Wells—here you are !
— Pantiles—very quaint—excellent shops—beneath the limes—band
playing—old-world feeling— behind the time—dreamy—Doctor John-
son—Richardson— Mrs. Thrale—Beau Nash— pretty girls—violets
—daisies—babies and perambulators—want clearing away—band-
master for contributions—lost in thought—look other way—save six-
pence ! Nevill Club—Pump Room—chalybeate spring—ferric oxide
—silica—chlorine—like halfpence boiled in ink— very nasty—good for
health. Nice town—pleasant parks—well-placed villas—Public Hall
— Colonel Company—why cert’nly—Mount Ephraim—Mount Plea-
sant—Tunbridge ware—bound to buy—Barton’s Repository—grand
views—Robinson’s photographs—Chapel of Ease—two hundred years
old—lots of churches—fine hotels—plenty of ’em—Bishop’s Down
Hydropathic—ancient sweepers—like rural deans in reduced cir-
cumstances—brass-tipped brooms—large female population—out-
number male—four to one—lovely walks—High Rocks—Toad Rock—
delightful drives—Bridge Castle—The Moat — Penshurst Park!
Breezy common—fine air—horse exercise—shady seats—everyone
cricket mad—must cultivate cricketual faculties—0, well run!—
well hit, Sir! — Yah! butter-fingers!-—whole population in a
cricketual state of excitement—baby bowlers—lady-longstops—
maiden-midwickets—ball bang in your eye—no matter—quite an
honour—throw it up sharp—look pleasant over it—smile through
blackness—thenkew!
Passport secure, all through your tour,
Railery mailery, night, night!
Worrying Hurraying, ticketty wicketty, &c.
Make up your mind to give comfort the slip, &c.
Bye-roads of France, see at a
glance,
Craekery smackery, Oh ! Oh!
Howyouwill fret, in the banquette,
Creepery sleepery, slow, slow !
Steam up the Rhine, weather so
fine,
Hockerymockery, drink, drink !
Castles—a score, horrible bore ;
Hazily lazily, think, think !
Craekery smackery, &c.,
Make up your mind, &c.
in.
Ne’er will you miss, land of the
Swiss,
Shivery quivery, chill, chill!
Gessler and Tell, terrible sell,
Chargery largery, bill, bill!
See the sun rise, rubbing your
eyes,
Peakery seekery, top, top !
Over a pass, down a crevasse,
Trippery slippery, drop, drop !
Shivery quivery, &c.
Make up your mind, &c.
Railway and boat, big table d'hote,
Dinery winery, crush, crush !
Italy fine, olive and vine,
Scenery greenery, gush, gush !
Palace and church, rapidly search,
Chattering smattering, art, art!
Musquitoes and fleas, always a
tease,
Bitery smitery, smart, smart!
Dinery winery, &c.
Make up your mind, &c.
Soon will you find, body and mind,
Wearily drearily, sad, sad!
Over the sea, quickly you flee,
Merrily verily, glad, glad !
Worn out at last, back you come
fast,
Crossery tossery, foam, foam !
Happy once more, old England’s
shore,
Holiday, jolly day — Home !
Home!!
Wearily drearily, &e.
Make up your mind, &c.
, ,a recent criminal trial, the Prisoner, as an excuse for ill-treat-
ing his Wife, pleaded “ softening of the brain.” Much more likely
to have been “ hardening of the heart.”
t( Gash Payments for Egyptian Expenses.—Cry of Tax-collector,
Down with the ready! ” Cry of Taxpayer, “ Down with the
Blunt! ”
THE SPENDTHRIFT'S GUIDE —No. IV.
To relieve the monotony of spending money for his solitary grati-
fication, the Spendthrift should think how it is best to spend money
for the gratification of others. There are various ways of doing this.
Dinner-parties, four-horse coaches, diamond rings, bracelets, testi-
monials, &c., are all, more or less, old-fashioned. Invention and
enterprise are as necessary in extravagance as in business. The
Spendthrift must look round his native city with an intelligent eye,
and see what public want he can supply on a scale that is worthy of
his capital. He will not have to look far. He will find nearly four
millions of patient stupid people, taxed from the soles of their feet
to the roots of their hair, ridden to death by Bumbledom and licensing
systems, with far less social liberty that the despised Russian, living
in the greatest city in the world without a single Casino or Music-
garden. Casinos and Music-gardens are not the one thing needful,
or the breath of life, but they are things that no other great city has
consented to do without, and which Englishmen can be trusted with
as safely as Germans or Frenchmen.
The Spendthrift will see his opportunity, and act upon it. He will
buy a mansion and grounds from an embarrassed nobleman (there
are plenty about) which he will throw open to the Public, free of
charge. He will go to several cities on the Continent, where music
is not so much a profession as a recreation, and be will select a number
of musicians to form an orchestra. He will light bis grounds with
the Electric Light, if he can find any Electrician not too busy with
company-mongering to attend to him, and he will engage a proper
staff of Masters of the Ceremonies to conduct the dancing in a spirit
worthy of the late Bead Nash, and the late Baron Nathan. He will
decorate his grounds with statues of the most prominent obstructives
on the Middlevex Bench. Thomas Carlyle has received this
indignity, and why not a Middlevex Magistrate ? Our Spendthrift’s
dances will take place six nights a week, and his hand will play every
day and night, including Sundays.
He will occasionally he prosecuted. In a country with twenty
licensing authorities, and only one fish-sauce, he can hardly expect
to be free from this amusing annoyance. He will occasionally be
fined. He will pay the fines. He will have several lawsuits
brought against him. He will defend them, and make arrangements
with his capital to carry them on for ten or twenty years. The New
Law Courts will make this process a little more expensive,_ but
expense, in this case, is only an amusement. A Lunacy Commissioner
will be sent to see him by the Government. He will receive the
Commissioner with full musical honours, and pension him off with
twice the Government honorarium. When he has been proceeded
against by every legal power given to the Sacred Jackasses who rule
the Kingdom of Fools, it will be found that he has done little more
than the Emperor of Austria is doing every day in a portion of the
Palace Gardens at Vienna.
Carriages are not to be taxed, but Income-tax payers are to pav
eightpence in the pound to keep our high road to India in good
repair. So we ’re toll’d.