Punch: Punch (83.1882)

THJdi LUiNJJUiN ULLAK1VARI.

NUISANCES OF COUNTRY LIFE.

“’Eavenly little Retreat of yours, Brown? So peaceful, I call it !
“Yes; if it wasn’t for the bloomin’ Row the Nightingales kick up

AFTER DARK ! ”

LAYS OF A LAZY MIN STEEL.

TAKEN IN TOW.*

Oh, Pangbourne is pleasant in sweet Summer-time,

And Streatley and Goring are worthy ot rhyme :

The sunshine is hot and the breezes are still,

The River runs swift under Basildon Hill!

To lounge in a skiff is delightful to me,

I’m feeling as lazy as lazy can be ;

I don’t care to sail and 1 don’t care to row—

Since I have the luck to be taken in tow !

Though battered am I, like the old Temeraire,

My tow-ers are young and my tow-ers are fair :

The one is Eleven, the other Nineteen,

The merriest maidens that ever were seen.

They pull with a will and they keep the line tight,
Dimpled Dolly in blue and sweet Hetty in white ;

And though you may think it is not comme ilfaut,

’Tis awfully nice to be taken in tow.

I loll on the cushions, I smoke and I dream,

And list to the musieal song of the stream ;

The boat gurgles on by the rushes and weeds,

And, crushing the lilies, scroops over the reeds.

The sky is so blue and the water so clear,

I ’m almost too idle to think or to steer !

Let scullers delight in hot toiling, hut 0 !—

Let me have the chance to be taken in tow !

The dragon-fly hums and the skiff glides along,

The leaves rustle low and the stream runnel h strong
But still the two maidens tramp girlfully on,

I ’ll reward them for this, when we get to the “ Swan ; ”
For then shall be rest for my excellent team,

A strawberry-banquet, with plenty of cream !

Believe me, good people, for I ought to know—

’Tis capital fun to be taken in tow !

* “ Taken in Tow.” On hearing this, we at first thought that
the Lazy One had got the gout, and was “taken in toe ” that
way. As long as he is all a-rowing and all a-blowing (for of
course he never is in training) on the river, he may avoid being
“ taken in toe ” in toto. He seems to be perfectly independent
of the very variable weather; yet, from his silence on this sub-
ject, we suspect,—but no matter, “Row, brother, row,”—only he
must remember that “row” sometimes rhymes to “now.”—Ed.

Odd Man Out.”—John Bright.

BABON BUBBLESOME ON CIBCUIT.

Scene—The Court, near Railway Station.

Mr. Anglesey Burrows, Q. C. May it please your Lordship,
Gentlemen of the Jury- [Engine outside heard whistling.

His Lordship. What is that noise ?

Mr. Gaze, High Sheriff. Engine, my Lord.

His Lordship. Let it be stopped immediately. <

Mr. Gaze, High Sheriff. But it’s a train, my Lord.

His Lordship {in a tone of regret, hut with intense courtesy). I
can’t help that; it must be stopped.

\_Engine repeats itself. The Chief Trumpeter and several Javelin-
Men rush off, and Engine is heard no more. The Bar rise
in token of sympathy, His Lordship adjusts his eyeglass, and
the trial proceeds.

Mr. Anglesey Burrows, Q.C. (continuing). I was about, Gentle-
men, to remark- [ Child squalls violently.

His Lordship. I ’ll have that child removed immediately. I am
very stern when I once make up my mind. At great personal incon-
venience to myself-

[ Child is precipitately handed out somewhere through an open
window. The Bar look on with approval. On the Court
resuming,

Mr. Sweetmeat, Q. C. I venture to make an application to your
Lordship that the Plaintiff may be allowed to walk before your
Lordship and the Jury, in order that they may judge whether his
late injuries have affected his walking-

Mr. Anglesey Burrows, Q. C. My Lord, I object-

His Lordship preferring to the Lllustrated Law Report on his
desk). This application is without precedent. Somehow the idea has
got abroad that I am in the habit of encouraging these parades in
Court, which is not the case. (Sensation in Court. All the Bar
present refer to their Lllustrated Law Reports.) Will the learned
Counsel inform the Court whether his client can oarry a basket of
egge to market ? {Apart, to the Jury.) That’s my test.

[Mr. Sweetmeat appears faint, and asks for “more air” in his
part of the Court. The two farthest windows are opened.
Ilis Lordship [irate, hut still courteous, to the Hall-keeper). Who
told you to put those windows down ? Shut them immediately. I
wish it to be known that no one shall interfere with the ventilation
of this Court except by my orders.

Mr. A. Burrows, Q. C. (continuing to Jury). I was about to remark,
His Lordship (interrupting). We will adjourn till 10'30 to-morrow
morning—punctually, Gentlemen. (Smiling blandly—to the Jury.)
Gentlemen, don’t talk over this case before to-morrow morning.

[Court rises, as Mr. Swfetmeat, Q.C., gradually recovers.

A LADY ON ELECTRIC LIGHTS.

Oh, cruel Electricity, that gives so strong a light,

Tn many an unprotected lamp you flashed supremely bright,

You shone upon our pretty gowns, illuminated flowers,

But all too ruthlessly lit up these pallid cheeks of ours.

’Twas at the Horticultural, and ferns and flowers were there,

The beautiful gloxinias, and orchids passing rare ;

They faced the incandescent lamps as erst they faced the sun,

While many a cheek grew strange of hue and felt itself undone.

And vainly Art aids Nature now in unobtrusive way,

This lamp malign of Edison’s is worse than brightest day ;

A veil may serve to screen from sun, but when in evening dress,
There’s nothing ’twixt these awful lamps and female loveliness.

Then, Men of Science, you must aid and tell us, if you please,

How we shall make our charms withstand such glaring lights as these;
For if the Ladies find these lamps still turn them pale and wan,
They ’ll lead a feminine Crusade ’gainst Edison and Swan !

Wire from President of Board of Trade to Sir E. Watkin
[third time of askmg).—“ Cease, Rmde Boreas ! ”