Punch: Punch (83.1882)

THE PLEASURES AND PAINS OF HAMPSTEAD HEATH.

PITY THE POOR SHERIEPS !

Now, Mr. Bull, that the parties liable to serve as High Sheriffs
are about being named, perhaps you may ask why, when nominated
for the High Shrievalty, they are said to be pricked F

Answer :—Because pricking them means sticking it into them', as
it were, and making them bleed—and hurting them. Yes, Sir, bleed
to the amount of from £500 to £600. This in many cases is bleeding
them ad deliquium, as the Doctors used to prescribe in the good old
days of venesection. To fainting, Sir.

The puncture for High Sheriff was a mere fleahite formerly, when
Landowners, as a class, were “ Bloated Aristocrats.” But now, what
with rents reduced almost all round, or else not paid at all, they may
remain aristocratic, but they are attenuated.

What should we hear said on platforms at public meetings if
reverend Dissenting Ministers and respectable Shopkeepers were
subject to be stuck into, and bled, and put upon like Landowners ?

And, mind you, your High Sheriff has nothing personally to do
whatever except to sit at the Assizes beside the Judge in a droll and
uncomfortable costume, almost as uncomfortable and as droll as my
Lud’s, and to escort their Ludships to and from their lodgings in a
state-coach. He is not permitted to have them wheeled in peram-
bulators, and, even if he offered to send them in a cab, would get
himself committed for contempt.

He pays the Under Sheriff to perform the real duties of his office.
Couldn’t an Under Sheriff, always “One, &c.,” detach a clerk or
some other sufficiently gentlemanlike and well-behaved young man
to attend my Luds ? And shouldn’t the Under Sheriff be paid out
of the county rates, instead of his poor superior’s pocket F

Landowners, to be sure, mostly aspirate their h’s, and own armorial
bearings which they have really inherited ; but surely not even the
most outrageous anti-Gentleman will assign those things as reasons
why they should be liable to have it stuck into them, and be bled, more
than many other people very much better able to bear it. Even if
they were, as some of their inveterate enemies object, “orty,” would
it be fair to fine them heavily for mere ortinessF—the poor beggars!

Perhaps, Mr. Bull, ruinous appointments have been, by this time,
improved away in Siam; but if not, now isn’t the office of High
Sheriff about our nearest equivalent to a White Elephant F A very
useless office, but how very much the reverse of a sinecure !

KNIGHT THOUGHTS (ON THE NINTH).

I sat ‘' Good day ! ” to Greatness. Finnis,
Hadley,

Hope you don’t think I bear my honours
badly.

Come to my Civic birthright! Staples,
Nottage,

I wouldn’t sell it for a mess of pottage.

Gold chains and gorgeous garb ! De Key-
see, Sayoey.

’Tis rather nice this glittering civic bravery.
The point of the procession! Chambers,
Charley,

With Fame’s fair proffer one were fool to
parley.

Choked streets and clamorous shoutings!
M once ton-, Nelson,

This is a scene that memory fondly dwells on.

Some folks pooh-pooh processions. Gabeiel, Laweence,

Can’t say that pageantry is my abhorrence.

The cynosure of thousands ! Teuscott, Owden,

Is’t not a thing a man may well be proud on F
How the boys shout! McArthur, Hanson, Fowlek,

I feel a fondness for each urchin howler.

This something my great-grandchildren to tell is.

Really, most pleasant! How do you feel, Ellis F
Well, when my fleeting year hath taken flight,

May all—and in two senses—say good Knight !

A Knight-Mare.

Sunday in Somerset.—An agitation in the county of Somerset
for the purpose of obtaining a Sunday Closing Bill, to add to the
agreeableness of that day in that shire, is being fomented under the
auspices of the Bishop of Bath and Wells. Just the proper Prelate
to promote the restriction of the Public to pump-water.

The “ Premier Pas.”—Mr. Herbert Gladstone’s pet nameior
his father.