DOI issue:
September 9, 1882
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17753#0117
September 9, 1882.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
Volatile Friend. “ Hullo ! What’s the matter, Old Man? Toothache?
Tut-t-t-t ! Have it out ! If it was mine, I’d have-”
Sufferer. “If it was Yours ! Yes, so would I !” [Exit, groaning.
THE LESSON OE THE LICKING.
Well done, “ Cornstalks ” ! Whipt us,
Fair and square!
Was it luck that tript us p
Was it “ scare ” ?
Kangaroo Land’s “ Demon,” or our own
Want of “ devil,” coolness, nerve, backbone P
Anyhow, stow nagging!
Whipt we are.
Boggling’b bad as bragging:
England’s star
Seems, to some at least, here to have sunk
Through that worst of Captains, Captain Funk.
But the lesson’s ready,
Dash and skill
Fail without cool, steady
Nerve and will.
That’s the best team that calmly pulls together,
Uphill or downhill, fine or dirty weather.
There they had us, Hornby.
Let the tip
Not he put, with scorn, by.
They who ’d whip
Murdoch’s lot must ne’er be dashed or stuck.
Steady does it, Sirs, and Pluck is Luck !
Abolition of Coffee.
“Full of Beans a vulgar expression, which used
to mean full of meat and drink—will now mean full
of so-called Coffee. Any rubbish may now be legally
sold as a “ Mixture,” as long as it is done up in nominal
quarter-pound packets, each paying a penny to the
revenue. “Buie, Britannia” has a great love for
pennies. The Temperance party in Parliament, who wish
to abolish Beer, have allowed the Government to abolish
Coffee.
Cetewayo was much pleased with Whiteley’s. He
intends setting up similar Stores in South Africa, and
calling them Blackley’s.
THE COMPLETE DESPATCH-WRITER.
Scene—A Room at Head-quarters. Sir Garnet discovered
dictating to his Aide-de-camp.
Sir Garnet. Have you put down that last sentence about myself P
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, let’s see. The troops didn’t retreat the other
evening, in the face of overwhelming odds, as they ought to have
done. The German Critics will he down upon me for that. What
shall I say P
Aide-de-camp. Something about luck, Sir Garnet p
Sir Garnet [severely). No, Sir! I’m ashamed of you, Sir! No
levity! Let me see—where were we P
Aide-de-camp. In the place where you were going to excuse your-
self for keeping a force only sufficient for a reconnaissance, to fight
against overwhelming odds a pitched battle.
Sir Garnet. Ah, to be sure [ Well—let me see. How would this
do F “ It being contrary to the traditions of the Queen’s Service to
retreat in the face of any number of Egyptian troops, I determined
to maintain my position.” How does that read P
Aide-de-camp. Capitally! I should think it will surprise the
German Critics very much indeed, when they learn that Her Majesty’s
Army have so quaint a regulation!
Sir Garnet [suspiciously). Hum! [Considers.) Let me see.
The Infantry did not arrive in time to do much F
Aide-de-camp. Not much, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, you can put, “The Infantry were handled
magnificently by their courageous commander, who never forgets his
personal courtesy even in the moment of direst danger.”
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Go on—“ They gained my approbation and deserved
my applause. I was well satisfied, I am pleased to say, with their
conduct, and I took an early opportunity of saying how I had seen
them, how I had watched them, how I had approved of them.”
There, be careful how you write that, as my rivals always declare I
make too frequent use of the personal pronoun. Have you got it down F
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, let me see. Ought to say something about the
Cavalry. “ Although impeded by the sand, which prevented them
from advancing at a greater speed than a slow trot, the Household
Cavalry charged with a dash and a brilliancy worthy of the birth
and breeding of those who commanded them.” How’s that F
Aide-de-camp [deferentially). Well, Sir Garnet, excellent—
but has birth and breeding much to do with cavalry charges F
Sir Garnet. Everything, Sir—everything! But I will tone it
down afterwards. Let me see, I must say something about the
Cavalry General. Ah, to be sure!_ “He displayed, on this occasion,
that coolness and courage for which he has been long renowned.”
How do you like that F
Aide-de-camp. Isn’t it a little too patronising, Sir Garnet F
Sir Garnet [severely). No, Sir, it isn’t! I am surprised at you,
Sir ! Mind I—I—I am awarding praise ! Put this down as a con-
clusion The whole Army behaved with that gallantry, that
nerve, that chivalrous earnestness, so peculiarly the attributes of
Her Majesty’s troops. In fact, once more the British Soldier, by
his magnificent dash and glorious stubbornness, earned the wonder
of the world and the applause of an admiring universe! ” How’s that F
Aide-de-camp. First-rate—(aside)—for Astley’s ! However,
he is a magnificent fellow, and we can forgive him his little foibles.
After all, he hasn’t many of them! And if he can’t do without
them, we can’t do without him ! .
[Scene closes in upon Sir Garnet preparing to gain his next
victory.
They were talking of Aesop’s fables. “ aEsop was no fool,” said
Young Joe from Eton to Lavinia. Mrs. Bamsbotham, entering at
the moment, overheard this, and at once replied, “Well, I don t
know that. At all events, it was very wicked of him to sell his
birthright for a mess of porridge.”
When is a Cricketer doubly brave F—When he’s bold “in,” and
when he’s bowled out.
Siemens’s Song.—“ Still so mildly o'er me Steeling.”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
109
Volatile Friend. “ Hullo ! What’s the matter, Old Man? Toothache?
Tut-t-t-t ! Have it out ! If it was mine, I’d have-”
Sufferer. “If it was Yours ! Yes, so would I !” [Exit, groaning.
THE LESSON OE THE LICKING.
Well done, “ Cornstalks ” ! Whipt us,
Fair and square!
Was it luck that tript us p
Was it “ scare ” ?
Kangaroo Land’s “ Demon,” or our own
Want of “ devil,” coolness, nerve, backbone P
Anyhow, stow nagging!
Whipt we are.
Boggling’b bad as bragging:
England’s star
Seems, to some at least, here to have sunk
Through that worst of Captains, Captain Funk.
But the lesson’s ready,
Dash and skill
Fail without cool, steady
Nerve and will.
That’s the best team that calmly pulls together,
Uphill or downhill, fine or dirty weather.
There they had us, Hornby.
Let the tip
Not he put, with scorn, by.
They who ’d whip
Murdoch’s lot must ne’er be dashed or stuck.
Steady does it, Sirs, and Pluck is Luck !
Abolition of Coffee.
“Full of Beans a vulgar expression, which used
to mean full of meat and drink—will now mean full
of so-called Coffee. Any rubbish may now be legally
sold as a “ Mixture,” as long as it is done up in nominal
quarter-pound packets, each paying a penny to the
revenue. “Buie, Britannia” has a great love for
pennies. The Temperance party in Parliament, who wish
to abolish Beer, have allowed the Government to abolish
Coffee.
Cetewayo was much pleased with Whiteley’s. He
intends setting up similar Stores in South Africa, and
calling them Blackley’s.
THE COMPLETE DESPATCH-WRITER.
Scene—A Room at Head-quarters. Sir Garnet discovered
dictating to his Aide-de-camp.
Sir Garnet. Have you put down that last sentence about myself P
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, let’s see. The troops didn’t retreat the other
evening, in the face of overwhelming odds, as they ought to have
done. The German Critics will he down upon me for that. What
shall I say P
Aide-de-camp. Something about luck, Sir Garnet p
Sir Garnet [severely). No, Sir! I’m ashamed of you, Sir! No
levity! Let me see—where were we P
Aide-de-camp. In the place where you were going to excuse your-
self for keeping a force only sufficient for a reconnaissance, to fight
against overwhelming odds a pitched battle.
Sir Garnet. Ah, to be sure [ Well—let me see. How would this
do F “ It being contrary to the traditions of the Queen’s Service to
retreat in the face of any number of Egyptian troops, I determined
to maintain my position.” How does that read P
Aide-de-camp. Capitally! I should think it will surprise the
German Critics very much indeed, when they learn that Her Majesty’s
Army have so quaint a regulation!
Sir Garnet [suspiciously). Hum! [Considers.) Let me see.
The Infantry did not arrive in time to do much F
Aide-de-camp. Not much, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, you can put, “The Infantry were handled
magnificently by their courageous commander, who never forgets his
personal courtesy even in the moment of direst danger.”
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Go on—“ They gained my approbation and deserved
my applause. I was well satisfied, I am pleased to say, with their
conduct, and I took an early opportunity of saying how I had seen
them, how I had watched them, how I had approved of them.”
There, be careful how you write that, as my rivals always declare I
make too frequent use of the personal pronoun. Have you got it down F
Aide-de-camp. Yes, Sir Garnet.
Sir Garnet. Well, let me see. Ought to say something about the
Cavalry. “ Although impeded by the sand, which prevented them
from advancing at a greater speed than a slow trot, the Household
Cavalry charged with a dash and a brilliancy worthy of the birth
and breeding of those who commanded them.” How’s that F
Aide-de-camp [deferentially). Well, Sir Garnet, excellent—
but has birth and breeding much to do with cavalry charges F
Sir Garnet. Everything, Sir—everything! But I will tone it
down afterwards. Let me see, I must say something about the
Cavalry General. Ah, to be sure!_ “He displayed, on this occasion,
that coolness and courage for which he has been long renowned.”
How do you like that F
Aide-de-camp. Isn’t it a little too patronising, Sir Garnet F
Sir Garnet [severely). No, Sir, it isn’t! I am surprised at you,
Sir ! Mind I—I—I am awarding praise ! Put this down as a con-
clusion The whole Army behaved with that gallantry, that
nerve, that chivalrous earnestness, so peculiarly the attributes of
Her Majesty’s troops. In fact, once more the British Soldier, by
his magnificent dash and glorious stubbornness, earned the wonder
of the world and the applause of an admiring universe! ” How’s that F
Aide-de-camp. First-rate—(aside)—for Astley’s ! However,
he is a magnificent fellow, and we can forgive him his little foibles.
After all, he hasn’t many of them! And if he can’t do without
them, we can’t do without him ! .
[Scene closes in upon Sir Garnet preparing to gain his next
victory.
They were talking of Aesop’s fables. “ aEsop was no fool,” said
Young Joe from Eton to Lavinia. Mrs. Bamsbotham, entering at
the moment, overheard this, and at once replied, “Well, I don t
know that. At all events, it was very wicked of him to sell his
birthright for a mess of porridge.”
When is a Cricketer doubly brave F—When he’s bold “in,” and
when he’s bowled out.
Siemens’s Song.—“ Still so mildly o'er me Steeling.”