Punch: Punch (83.1882)

118

PUNCH, OK THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [September 9, 1882.

“WHEN DOCTORS DIS-
AGREE.”

The Morning Post on Sept.
1st announced that it was “in
a position to state, on the best
authority, the real facts as to
the Duke of Albany’s health.
His Royal Highness has been
confined to his apartments for
the last three weeks by one of
those common ailments to
which all are liable.” We
were delighted beyond measure
at hearing this statement ‘ ‘ on
the best authority,” which
reduces His Royal Highness’s
illness to a level with that
mysterious complaint some-
what vaguely described by the
Clowfl in a Circus as the “ pap-
sylals” and the “teazyweazies
in his pandenoodles.” But if
it is, as we sincerely hope,
only one of those common ail-
ments to which even inferior
flesh is heir, why, on the
same date, does the Times give
prominence to a learned med ical
article, from the Lancet. on
Prince Leopold’s case, full of
such terrific-looking technical
expressions as are calculated
to give the healthiest men fits
after being told by the Post
that these things are merely
common ailments to which all
are liable F Which is right—
Doctor Lancet or Doctor Post ?
We turn from Blue Piller to
True Blue Post, and pause for
a reply._

Press-Military Measure.

One alarm makes one shot.
One thousand shots make one
wounded man. Three wounded
men make one desperate en-
gagement. Two desperate

engagementsmakeone glorious
victory. Three glorious vic-
tories make half a triumphant
campaign. One triumphant

campaign makes aU the Even-
ing Newspapers !

PUNCH’S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 100.

■^7'C

THE DUNRAYEN.

A VERY EARLY BlRD, WHO GENERALLY GETS ON THE RIGHT SlDE IN A

“ Great Divide.”

WATER-BOBBIES.

To record the truly gallant
act of Police Constable John
Charles Jenkins, E Division,
No. 233, who leapt off Water-
loo Bridge on the 14th July,
last, to save the life of one,
Henry Chapman, his brother
Constables have presented him
with a gold watch, with an
inscription which, like him-
self, is always on the watch.
Where is the Author to write
abook called The Water-Bob-
bies? PerhapsMr.Y. Howard,
the eminent police-lawyer, will
answer this question,—if an
absconding debtor plunges
heavily into the Thames, is it
the duty of a Water-Bailiff to
dive in after him, show him
the warrant under-water, and
then bring him safe to shore ?

New Song eor the Bur-
glarious Season, just com-
menced.—“ The Burglar''’ by
the Author of “ The Bugler."
Also an inspiriting chorus:—
Let’s be Burglarious,

Jolly hilarious,

Sneaking down areas,
Never be seen!

The Maharajah Duleep
Singh, as a Suffolk Squire,
has announced his inten-
tion of contesting Whitby
at the next Election, without,
however, committing himself
to any particular shade of poli-
tics, being apparently quite
satisfied with his own colour.
This uncertainty as to his
future course suggests an addi-
tion to his title, and His High-
ness shall be known hereafter
as The Maharajah Du-leep-
in-the-Dark Singh. His
Highness should do his best to
secure the vote of that extensive
branch of our family, “the
Suffolk Punches.” This is a
Note to Singh.

“TAKEN IN” AND DONE FOR.

Time—Any Afternoon in the Dull Season. Place—London.
Scene The Smoking-Room of the Omnium Gatherum, which,
through the kind thoughtfulness of its Committee, has become the
temporary head-quarters of Clubland during the suspension of
the various houses “ closed for repairs." Ordinary and Hono-
rary Members of the Omnium Gatherum discovered staring at
each other in solemn silence.

, Affable Ordinary Member [to Angry Old Gentleman). Ah, I’m
delighted io see you here again ! I’m sure that story I told you at
tinner, about the British Army bolting, was not intended to offend

you. You see, I thought that you, as a member of this Club-

Angry Old Gentleman. I am not a member, Sir! I’ve been
taken la from the Senior United Service Club, Sir ; and when you
t,. 1 mj3’ k-ir> ^at the British Army bolted, I, as an old General,
A 7- , [Explodes, and exit.

Aft able Ordinary Member. Dear me, I’m very sorry, (Turning
to Grave-Looking Gentleman in Spectacles.) By the way, Sir, what
s&cl trash th.6 new comedy seems to be ! Have yon seen it ?

GenUeman in Spectacles (grimly).. ISTo, I haven’t seen it, but I wrote
^ * 4 Aowje, as the Garrick is in the hands of the wliitewashers.

Affaole Ordinary 3Teviber (aside). Dear me, J seem to be putting*
my foot into it everywhere ! Try politics. {Aloud to Gentleman in
Evening Dress.) Gladstone seems to be making a nice mess of it
. Sir ?

^ Gentleman in Evening Dress {deliberately). As a member of the
Reform, Sir, I must contradict you !

Affable Ordinary Member. Dear me, how stupid I am ! Of course
when I said Gladstone, 1 meant that Salisbury was making a nice
mess of it.

Gentleman in Shooting Velveteens {hotly). As a member of the
Carlton, Sir, I am compelled to differ with you 1

Affable Ordinary Member {confused). I am sure I must apologise.^
But you see just now we are a little mixed. (Turning to a pleasant
specimen of the Jeunesse Dore.) I was told a very amusing story,
to-day, Sir, about Bismarck’s dog and-

Specimen of the Jeunesse Dore {interrupting). Thanks, yes, I know;
heard it six weeks ago at the Beef-Steak, of which I am a member.
Good night! [Exit yawning.

Affable Ordinary Member (losing his temper). Well, he might
have listened to it! But somebody shall hear it! (To Elderly Gen-
tleman hidden behind a newspaper.) As a brother member of this
Club, Sir, will you allow me to tell you an extremely good story 1
heard to-day.

Elderly Gentleman {emerging from his newspaper). I beg you
will do nothing of the sort, Sir. I object to all stories—hem !—on
principle. You are mistaken in concluding that I am a^member of
this Club. I have been taken in from the Athenaeum, Sir, and am
— hem !—a bishop ! (unbending). But perhaps I spoke unguardedly
when I said all stories. For instance, I have collected some very
interesting statistics about onr Missionary efforts in the South
Pacific, which I have introduced into a sermon (producing large
MS. Book). Perhaps you would like to hear a little of it?

Affable Ordinary Member. Only too delighted—another time.

[Exit hurriedly. Scene closes in as the solemn silence is resumed.