DOI Heft:
September 23, 1882
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17753#0142
SCHOOL BOREDOM.
[Selected hints for the Intelligent Ratepayer.)
Don't vote for the Candidate—
Who leaves you a printed paper soliciting your vote ;
Who doesn’t;
Who wants to get on to the Board because he has nothing to do ;
Who means if he does to have the children taught logarithms ;
Who has a splendid educational hobby that would only involve a
rate of four and ninepence in the pound ;
Who undertakes to cut down all expenses to three-halfpence ;
Who (being of the gentler sex) calls on you personally, in a cab-
driver’s overcoat and eye-glasses, and insists on reading you extracts
from a carpet-bag, “on the legitimate position of the coming eman-
cipated female in the ultimate class-struggle for higher culture ; ”
Who is for leaving everything precisely as it is ;
Who is, on the contrary, pledged to pull up the whole existing
system, root and branch;
Who tells you he considers the position of a Member of the School
Board, “ as good, any day, as that of a Member of Parliament; ”
Who owns to going in for the whole thing, “ as a good lark,” and
is willing to give you odds on the result.
SPECIMEN “SPECIAL.”
[From Our Oivn Pomponius Ego in Egypt.)
“ Then I stumbled into another ditch in the intense darkness, but
with a ringing cheer the Royal East Shropshire bounded onwards,
carrying me well in the midst of them. A 15-centimetre Krupp
went off in my face, carrying away my false collar. I replied by a
wild cheer, and, mounting the Colonel’s horse when he wasn’t look-
ing, rode cautiously on, dodging the Bedouins, while dozens of shells
exploded under my boots. I assure you I had to retire more than
once, as the position was a trifle dangerous. I have all along cor-
dially approved all Sir Garnet’s plans, and I need not say that
nothing has been done without consulting some one whom, perhaps,
it would not become me to mention. The original plan of the
campaign, as altered and amended on inspection, has been closely
adhered to ; and I have nothing hut praise for the admirable manner
in which it was carried out, down to the very slightest details.”
“ Yes, my dear Lavinia,” said Mrs. Ramsboth^m:, rather annoyed
with her Niece, “I do know perfectly well what a soldier’s ‘ have -a-
snack’ is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No,,
my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think.”
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 23, 1882.
Oh, how shall I hazard a hint of it ?—marriage !
Oh, where shall I venture what, burning to blah,
I have tried to bring in, but in vain, in a carriage,
And longed to lead up to, but failed, in a cab ?—
She smiles, she is kind, and ’tis hard, at each parting,
To be left thus of Love to the last in the lurch,
When I’ve dreamed of it, screamed from a train, just at starting,
And mused of it, murmured to music in Church.
We flew through the foam in the yacht-dotted harbour,
No use-I was mate, though we dodged the same sail!
No go - though alone in the dark garden-arbour !
On horseback, as bad—in a boat, no avail!
Nay, when once we were wedged, tete-a-tete, in a hansom,
I had found, you had fancied, my chance—I was dumb !
And the words were unsaid, had you staked a life’s ransom
’Gainst the sound that one makes with one’s finger and thumb 1
In vain, should I write it—what aid were a letter,
Were it all, to her face, to say over again ?
Were it faltered in French—would it sound any better p
In German F—I’m certain she’d bid me explain !
Still it is not, don’t think, that I fear to offend her ;
Indeed, of her feelings I’ve hardly a doubt;
I am simply so shy, and her sighs are so tender,
I tremble, turn nervous, and can’t get it out!
So here by the side of the sail-sprinkled ocean
I mope on the bathing-boxed, boat-cumbered shore ;
She is here, too, I hear, but- By George, I’ve a notion !
jEureka ! I’ve solved it—I ’ll suffer no more !
’Tis her glance that embarrasses—none could be bolder
Than I when behind her I’m hid from her view,
And I will, I will whisper it, over her shoulder,
While out for an hour—in a double canoe !
THE DOUBLE CANOE.
[Selected hints for the Intelligent Ratepayer.)
Don't vote for the Candidate—
Who leaves you a printed paper soliciting your vote ;
Who doesn’t;
Who wants to get on to the Board because he has nothing to do ;
Who means if he does to have the children taught logarithms ;
Who has a splendid educational hobby that would only involve a
rate of four and ninepence in the pound ;
Who undertakes to cut down all expenses to three-halfpence ;
Who (being of the gentler sex) calls on you personally, in a cab-
driver’s overcoat and eye-glasses, and insists on reading you extracts
from a carpet-bag, “on the legitimate position of the coming eman-
cipated female in the ultimate class-struggle for higher culture ; ”
Who is for leaving everything precisely as it is ;
Who is, on the contrary, pledged to pull up the whole existing
system, root and branch;
Who tells you he considers the position of a Member of the School
Board, “ as good, any day, as that of a Member of Parliament; ”
Who owns to going in for the whole thing, “ as a good lark,” and
is willing to give you odds on the result.
SPECIMEN “SPECIAL.”
[From Our Oivn Pomponius Ego in Egypt.)
“ Then I stumbled into another ditch in the intense darkness, but
with a ringing cheer the Royal East Shropshire bounded onwards,
carrying me well in the midst of them. A 15-centimetre Krupp
went off in my face, carrying away my false collar. I replied by a
wild cheer, and, mounting the Colonel’s horse when he wasn’t look-
ing, rode cautiously on, dodging the Bedouins, while dozens of shells
exploded under my boots. I assure you I had to retire more than
once, as the position was a trifle dangerous. I have all along cor-
dially approved all Sir Garnet’s plans, and I need not say that
nothing has been done without consulting some one whom, perhaps,
it would not become me to mention. The original plan of the
campaign, as altered and amended on inspection, has been closely
adhered to ; and I have nothing hut praise for the admirable manner
in which it was carried out, down to the very slightest details.”
“ Yes, my dear Lavinia,” said Mrs. Ramsboth^m:, rather annoyed
with her Niece, “I do know perfectly well what a soldier’s ‘ have -a-
snack’ is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No,,
my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think.”
134
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 23, 1882.
Oh, how shall I hazard a hint of it ?—marriage !
Oh, where shall I venture what, burning to blah,
I have tried to bring in, but in vain, in a carriage,
And longed to lead up to, but failed, in a cab ?—
She smiles, she is kind, and ’tis hard, at each parting,
To be left thus of Love to the last in the lurch,
When I’ve dreamed of it, screamed from a train, just at starting,
And mused of it, murmured to music in Church.
We flew through the foam in the yacht-dotted harbour,
No use-I was mate, though we dodged the same sail!
No go - though alone in the dark garden-arbour !
On horseback, as bad—in a boat, no avail!
Nay, when once we were wedged, tete-a-tete, in a hansom,
I had found, you had fancied, my chance—I was dumb !
And the words were unsaid, had you staked a life’s ransom
’Gainst the sound that one makes with one’s finger and thumb 1
In vain, should I write it—what aid were a letter,
Were it all, to her face, to say over again ?
Were it faltered in French—would it sound any better p
In German F—I’m certain she’d bid me explain !
Still it is not, don’t think, that I fear to offend her ;
Indeed, of her feelings I’ve hardly a doubt;
I am simply so shy, and her sighs are so tender,
I tremble, turn nervous, and can’t get it out!
So here by the side of the sail-sprinkled ocean
I mope on the bathing-boxed, boat-cumbered shore ;
She is here, too, I hear, but- By George, I’ve a notion !
jEureka ! I’ve solved it—I ’ll suffer no more !
’Tis her glance that embarrasses—none could be bolder
Than I when behind her I’m hid from her view,
And I will, I will whisper it, over her shoulder,
While out for an hour—in a double canoe !
THE DOUBLE CANOE.