Punch: Punch (83.1882)

October 14, 1882.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

171

A LESSON TO THE BRITISH LION.

To Matthew Arnold hark,

With, both ears all avidity;

That Matthew—a man of mark—

Says, “ Cultivate Lucidity.”

“ Civil Courage ” the Germans lack ;

(Query—what can mean that quiddity P)

But England’s especial drawback
Is a certain want of “ Lucidity.”

In “ Morality ” France most fails
To exemplify rigidity ;

The defect that England ails
Must he owned to be “Lucidity.”

The Salvation Army shines
In devoted intrepidity;

But the fault of its valiant lines
Is the foible of no Lucidity.

The Puseyite phalanx glows
With a most intense calidity;

But the heat of the movement throws
Hot a gleam or spark of Lucidity.

There is genius, love, charm, no doubt,

In Ritualistic floridity,

But what would have snuffed it out
Would have been a ray of Lucidity.

Roast beef is excellent meat,

Of most extreme sapidity ;

Plum-pudding is nice to eat,

But it doesn’t produce Lucidity.

John Bull is a worthy old wight,

Though he sometimes behaves with stupidity,

Uninspired with Sweetness and Light,

And, in short, nearly void of Lucidity.

“ The Art of Pluck.”—Mr. Gush Harris, expert in
theatrical advertising, daily impresses on the public that
his chief object at Drury Lane is to show how “ crime,
treachery, and falsehood” are invariably punished—
somehow. A sublime moral, which should bring whole
families from their hearths and homes to learn the great
truths of Poetic Justice, from the school-boards of Drury
Lane, whose talented Manager might, for the future,
place, as his motto, at the head of his programme,
“ Pro ’ Arris et focis.”

WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY”-

Mr. Blazer, Q.C., returns unexpectedly to his Chambers in the
middle of Vacation.

THE BRITISH WORKMAN NOT AT HOME.

[A Dissolving View adapted from the American.)

“ You find the place greatly changed ? ” said Rip’s guide.

“Yes,” returned Van Winkle, “I do. Your inventions are
simply marvellous. But never mind them. I want to see the people.”
“ High life or low life ? ”

“ Well, the class from which I sprang myself—the hard-working,
honest, sober artisan.”

Rip’s guide smiled, for he remembered that in his youth his com-
panion had never joined the Blue Ribbon Army.

“We will look for them. Had you awakened fifty years ago—say
in 1882—you would have found them living in far better style than
their so-called richer neighbours. They spent a great deal more in
luxuries than the classes above them.”

“ Indeed!” returnedRiP. “ And what have they been doing since ? ”
“ Oh, striking and combining, or rather they did strike and
combine up to about a dozen years ago.”

“ And where are they now ? ”—“ We will see.”

Rip’s guide led his aged companion to one of the new Electric Rail-
way Stations. The platform was crowded with porters, engine-drivers,
and guards, busily engaged in performing their various duties.

“ Why,” exclaimed Mr. Van Winkle, after he had inspected
the employes for a few minutes, “ I do believe they are all Chinese !
There’s not an Englishmen amongst them! ”

“Very true,” responded his companion. “ The Celestials get about
a third of the wages of the late officials, and do double the work.
However, they are rather a nuisance. They are so fond of crowding.
They have settled in Golden Square, where no less than 245,000 of
them are encamped in the enclosure ! ”

Rip walked away, and. came to a large building which was in course
of erection. There were scores of bricklayers, masons, and carpenters
working their hardest. “Dear me!” cried Van Winkle. “What an
extraordinary set of people ! Why, they are covered with feathers ! ”
“ Yes,” acquiesced his companion, “ they are all North American
Indians. They are not bad fellows when they are sober. But when

they take more ‘fire-water’ than is good for them, they have a
nasty habit of scalping the nearest policeman ! ”

A little further on the two friends came to some engineering
works. “Why, where are the navvies?” asked Rip. “Surely,
they have not given up work ? ”

“Oh, yes, they have,” was the reply. “ They struck some ten years
ago, and joined the miners and stonemasons. Their places have been
supplied by some native NewZealanders and a number of Zulu Kaffirs.
The new workmen are quiet enough when they are not wearing their
war-paint.” By this time the evening was closing in, and the lamps
were beginning to be lighted. Rip discovered that the lamplighters,
the postmen, the policemen, and even the soldiers were all of ‘‘ nigger ”
extraction. “This is very strange,” said Rip. “But I suppose
this state of things is peculiar to London.”

“Not at all,” replied his companion, “the country is equally in
the hands of the native. All our farm-labourers are Egyptian
fellahs, and the hop-picking and the hay-making is undertaken by
wandering tribes of Bedouin Arabs and low-caste Hindustani.”

“ Dear me ! and so the English workmen have disappeared ? ”

“ Entirely ! They have been forced out of the market by foreign
competition. Personally, I am sorry for it, but the great employers
of labour are overjoyed. They declare that now they can rely upon
having their work done punctually and economically.”

Rip was silent for a moment; then he said, “ But I suppose the
British Workmen do exist somewhere ? ”

“ Oh, yes ; they do exist,” was the answer. “ But I am afraid, if
you want to see them, that the rules of the establishment in which they
dwell will not permit their appearance this evening.”

“ Rules of the establishment! ” echoed Rip. “ Why, they surely
have not been sent to prison ? ”

“ Oh, dear no,” was the reassuring reply, “ they are only in—the
Workhouse! ”

“Exhibition of the Horners’ Company.”—Great attraction!
Real ancient relic!! The identical plum extracted, by the thumb of the
first Master Horner from the Christmas pie. This plum has been
preserved. Success to this Horner able Company’s Show.