Punch: Punch (83.1882)

180

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAiUVARI.

[October 14, 1882.

CLUB CAROLS.—No. III.

THE HALL PORTER.

A pleasant, a calm, and inscrutable face,

Our Hall Porter shows in his cosy glass case ;

He never is flurried, he ’s always exact,

His temper is good and he ’s plenty of tact;

He ’s master of Bradshaw, he always has change,

His knowledge of cab-fares hath infinite range !

Each Cabby will find himself bound to defer
To the rare common sense of our Hall Por-ter

A dun at a glance he ’ll detect, and a bore.

They ’ll find him polite, but they ’ll find nothing more !
He knows all your friends, and you ’re never annoyed
By people you ’re anxious to cut or avoid :

A careless observer would never suppose
The wonderful things that the Hall Porter knows 1
He’s ’cute as a Cabinet Min-i-sfer,

So cautious and cool is our Hall Por-ter /

He ’ll send out and get you good stalls for the play,
Your letters he ’ll forward when you are away ;

The smallest commission he ’ll never forget,

He ’ll whistle up cabs when it’s terribly wet:

He’s thoughtful and thorough, and anxious to please,
And might write a novel from all that he sees !

The whole of the members will doubtless concur
In the heartiest praise of our Hall Por-ter '

A CROWE PITCH.

Study of Crowe-Bars.

Mb. A. Gwyllym Crowe seems to have made a good pitch—
concert-pitch, of course —this seasoa at Covent Garden. One evening

last week, when there was no
particular attraction, we found
the house crammed full with a
most attentive and highly ap-
preciative audience that didn’t
promenade until the Concertists
were well into the second part
of the programme. There was
a judicious selection from Schu-
mann, well and clearly rendered
on the piano by a young lady
whom Mr. Crowe might intro-
duce as “ My Waud,” — the
name of the fair pianiste (whose
costume of (sky blue with silver
trimmings was, it occurred to us, a trifle too suggestive of a heroine
at Astley’s in the palmy days of the Equestrian Drama) being Miss
Florence Waud.

Miss Rosa Leo appears here to far greater advantage than she
did in some Strand opera-bouffe, And we question whether, in spite
of Weber, Wagner, and Schumann, Master Donizetti’s “11
Segreto” wasn’t, after all, the popular song of the evening; while,
undoubtedly, “ Ah che la Morte,” played on the cornet, by Mr.
Howard Reynolds, was the success of the orchestral selections.

Hurrah for Donizetti and Verdi, and long life to Italian Opera !
Mr. Howard Reynolds knows so well how to play his own cornet
that he hardly requires our assistance in blowing his trumpet. We
only heard him do this solo, but should much like to listen to his
performance of a theme and variations, which he might style
“ Reynolds' Miscellany.”

A gavotte by Lulli, was very well played, but what a melan-
choly set of people must have danced to it! or, if they com-
menced gaily, what a damper this gavotte must have been to them !
they must all have burst into tears, and left the room before
they reached the last figure. As the Jenny Joneses of the Princi-
pality would say to Mr. Gwyllym, “ Gafotte inteet! ”—it’s more
of a Lulli-by.

The evening was enlivened by a sensational incident. After the
performance of the Lohengrin “ Entr'acte,” there was a pause, and
we were all anxiously expecting a certain Miss Ella Lemmens—
who, however, in this instance proved herself to be an un-eertain
Miss Sella Genelums—to walk up and sing Carmen's Seguedilla
song, that charming air hummed by the Bizet Bee. But no Lem-
mens, no oranges—nothing! Evidently fruitless. Man, in rather
dusty livery, stepped up and whispered to Mr. Crowe, who whis-
pered to him in return. Man in dusty livery ducks his head,
bolts in among the violins,, and disappears. Pause. Audience
impatient. Return of dusty-livery man. More whispers. Evidently
something wrong somewhere. “The vocalist can’t come,” whispers,
probably, the livery dusty man. “Well—will you sing something

instead ! ” whispers Mr. Crowe to the Liveryman. “ See you blowed
first,” whispers the Liveryman, and bolts. Nothing for it, except
that Mr. Crowe has to announce to the audience that Miss Ella
Lemmens appears to be content with having her name in the pro-
gramme, and considers personal attendance as a mere unimportant
detail. Then, before the audience has time to express an opinion,
Mr. Crowe wheels round, lifts his baton, cries “ Up, Guards, and at
’em! ” and the band of the Coldstream Guards, which has combined
itself with the orchestra to produce a big effect, comes out fortissimo
with Preciosa.

Odd that the only bitter in the evening’s entertainment arose from
the absence of Lemmens. As Mr. Crowe observed, “Where the
juice could the Lemmens be ? ” We hope no serious accident pre-
vented her arrival; that no tumble-down cabman caused the break-
down of Carmen ; and trust that when she does sing there will be a
crowd—quite a Lemmens-squash audience—to receive her in that
appropriate Spanish market-place at the back of the Crowe Nest
Orchestra, due to the ingenuity of Mr. Bruce Smith, where all the
Toreadors, the Senoras, the Senors, the Grandees, Hidalgos, and.
Littlegos do mostly congregate, ready to listen to the notes of
Carmen, and the orchestral music on a Gwyllym Crowe-matic scale
of magnificence.

THE EGYPTIAN ALPHABET.

A stands for Arabi, put on his trial;

B is the Bondholder’s beautiful smile ;

C is the Caliph, who’s not in the fun ;

D denotes Doeeerin— giving him “ one ; ”

E does for Egypt, pulled out of the fire

F is the Figure the job will require ;

G is “GrandGladstone,” who’ll askfor supplies;

H is the Howl that he ’ll hear when he tries;

I is the Indian Force, fit to fight;

J is the Jingo, who jumps with delight;

K ’s the Khedive, who his Ministers hail;

L is their Loyalty, bought with black mail;

M are the Mercantile tastes that abouud ;

N is a Notable, so much a pound ;

0 is Osiris, who looks on and winks;

P is the Puzzle, as good as the Sphinx ;

Q is the Questioning Game others try;

R is our Resolute ring of reply;

S is the Service that holds the trump cards ;

T stands for Tech, coming home with the Guards;

U is the Unified, ready to dance ;

Y is the Visible envy of France;

W’s Wolseley, who ’ll soon hear our cheers;

X the Xpress that he takes to the Peers ;

Y is the Yelp that Sir Wilfrid will raise;

Z Zagazig—where he might end his days.

AN EARLY CLOSING CLOTURE.

In answer to an invitation to stand for Finsbury in the Liberal
interest on the next opportunity, Dr. B. W. Richardson, L.L.D.,
F.R.S., has told the Executive Committee of the Finsbury Liberal
Association, “ that he shall be happy to meet them for the purpose
of explaining his views as soon as his engagements will allow.” Dr.
Richardson’s reply might have been expected to be that he was very
sensible of the compliment paid him by the Finsbury Liberals, and
thanked them for their offer of a seat in Parliament as much as if he
could accept it; but lamented that he couldn’t. Not but that Dr.
Richardson may well be supposed quite capable of sacrificing his
personal inclinations and professional interests to the public good ;
but it seems rather too much to expect him not only to sacrifice his
health also, but, as a Sanitary as well as a Political Reformer, to set
a bad. example in so doing, by usually sitting up all night until two,
three, or four, and still further on in the morning, during half the
year, as he will have to do, if he consents to represent Finsbury.

It is, however, conceivable that Dr. Richardson may be willing to
undertake the task and the trouble of attending in the House of
Commons, and sitting out nights of verbiage, for the express purpose
of bringing his scientific authority and influence to bear on the
Leaders of the House, and all the rest of the honourable and right
honourable gentlemen, known by their much speaking, so as to induce
them, if possible, to cut it short, and thereby enable the Legislature,
every evening, to shut up at a reasonable hour. If so, then hooray
for Dr. Richardson, L.L.D., F.R.S! Dr. Richardson for Finsbury!
Richardson for ever ! Success to Dr. Richardson in his struggle
to induce the House of Commons to adopt a scientific and hygienic
cloture. Finsbury will indeed have reason to be proud and happy, if
the views above expressed shall prove to be those which Dr. Richard-
son is going to explain as soon as his engagements will allow him.
We pause for his explanation.