Punch: Punch (83.1882)

216

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAfilVARI.

[November 4, 1882.

THE PROMISE OE MAY!

(An Old Song re-set, and specially dedicated, for purposes of recitation, to
Mrs- Bernard Beere, Manageress of the Globe Theatre.)

You must call rehearsals early, call them early, Kelly dear !.
November ’ll be the merriest month of our dramatic year ;

November I have fixed it for the Laureate’s new play,

And I’m to be Promise of May, Kelly, I’m to be Promise of May!

There’s manv a chosen priestess in the wild aesthetic line.

There’s Ellen ! and there’s Marion ! whose fingers intertwine !

But all the Grosvenor Gallery think none like me, they say ;

So I’m to be Promise of May, Kelly, I’m to be Promise of May !

I’m thinking of the night, you know, both sleeping and awake,

And I hear them calling loudly till their voices seem to break;

But I must fashion lots of gowns in Liberty silks so gay, _

For I’m to be Promise of May, my Lad, I’m to be Promise of May!

I went down into Surrey—don’t laugh, it is no joke—

And found the great Bard dramatist wrapt in a cloak—of smoke !

He hauded me his manuscript, and read it yesterday;

So I’m to he Promise of Maytime, I’m to be Promise of May !

He said I was ideal, because I kept it up,

This mixture of his t)ora, and his Camma in the Cup.

They call me a replica, but I care not what they say,

Now I’m to be Promise of May, you see, I’m to be Promise of May!

They say he’s pining still for fame; but that can never be.

He likes to roar his lyrics, but what is that to me F
I ’ll fill the Globe with worshippers, in the old Lyceum way—

For I’m to be Promise of May, my Friend, I’m to be Promise of May!

My sisters of the cultus shall attend me clad in green;

All the poets and the painters must hail me as their Q,ueen!

The great dramatic critics of course will have their say,

Now I’m to be Promise of Maytime, I ’in to be Promise of May!

The Pit with wild excitement will tremble, never fear,

And the merry gods above them will greet me with a cheer !

There will not be a ribald line in all the Laureate’s play,

For I’m to be Promise of May, you see, 1 ’m to be Promise of May!

All the Stalls will sit in silence, or with cynicism chill
Will pick the Bard to pieces and work their own sweet will;

And Hamilton Clarke in the orchestra he’ll merrily pose and play—
For I’m to be Promise of May, my Lad, I’m to be Promise of May !

So call rehearsals early, call them early, there’s a dear !

Bid gipsy-tinted Ormsby and Yezin to appear.

November’ll see what “gushers” call the “ sweetest, daintiest play,”
And I’m to be Promise of May, Kelly, I ’in to be Promise of May!

THE FOOD EXHIBITION.

_ We believe that up to the time of our going to press no applica-
tions for vacant spaces wherein to show the following articles of food
have been made, or, at any rate, have been granted :—

Poisonous fungi, which, owing to the strong resemblance which
they hear to the edible mushroom, can be sold as such.

Decayed carrots, watery turnips, and rotten potatoes, which, with
the disguising aid of sugar, colouring-matter, and a small quantity
of real fruit, can be converted into strawberry or raspberry jam,
according to the customers’ tastes, at a very slight cost.

American beef, which, with a little skilful trimming, can be altered
into English beef at a profit of some 200 per cent.

Alum, as employed in the manufacture of “pure wholesome
wheaten bread.”

London water as filtered for the Public. The rights of fishing for
animalcidce in these waters are strictly preserved by the Water
Companies.

Putrid meat, before being highly seasoned and spiced and dis-
guised in the form of fresh Cambridge Sausages.

The homely Pilchard as he is, and as he appears as the Sardine of
the Mediterranean.

Not Generally Known.

That the ^Esthetic Movement is nothing but an enormous scheme
of a commercial Company to advertise the capabilities of the Sun-
flower, that a large manufactory is being erected for its development
in Bedford Park, and that Mr.' Oscar Wilde is now travelling in
America with samples of Sunflower Soap, Sunflower Oil, Sunflower
Silk, and Sunflower Cattle-Food.

ONE LAW EOR THE RICH—

Eaton Square.—The Duke of Bloomsbury applied to-day for a
summons against the Rev. Whyte Chokerly, on the grounds that
the Defendant had grossly assaulted Plaintiff’s son, the Marquis of
Torrington. His Grace said that early in the present year he had
placed his son, a delicate boy of ten years of age, with the De-
fendant, who had been recommended to him as a humane man,
especially skilled in “ coaching ” backward boys, such as his son,
who through ill-health, undoubtedly was. Finding that the lad
seemed timid and nervous, he questioned him, and learnt that he
was frequently flogged three or four times a week, and sometimes
every day. He had been so severely thrashed the day before, and
his body was so covered with weals, that his father thought it was
only his duty to apply, for this summons.—The learned Magistrate
said that in his opinion boys were all the better for a sound
flogging. He knew he had been thrashed enough when he was at
school, and had no doubt his Grace had shared a similar fate. He
should grant no summons, and felt bound to state that he was asto-
nished at a person of the Duke of Bloomsbury’s experience wasting
the valuable time of the Court over such a trumpery matter.

-AND ANOTHER FOR THE POOR.

Whitechapel.—Mr. Henry Teauchamp, an Assistant-Master at
the Moriarty Court School of the Whitechapel School-Board, was
this day charged, on a summons, with assaulting William Crack
Crib, a pupil at the school. The Complainant, a sturdy lad of
fifteen, deposed that on the 27th he was called out from his place in
the school, and severely beaten, his alleged offence being talking to
the boy who sat next to him. His body was still covered with
bruises, and he was so ill the following day that he wasn’t able to
go to church.—On behalf of the Defendant several witnesses deposed
that the school in question contained as unruly and troublesome a
lot of boys as were to be found in London ; that the Plaintiff was of
notoriously bad character, and was one of a gang of young thieves
known as the “ Terrors of the Neighbourhood ; ” that his talking to
the boy next to him was in reality using, at the top of his voice,
most foul and disgusting language ; and that the “ severe beating ”
was a slight caning over the hand with a light wooden jiaper-knife.—
The Defendant was fined 40s. and costs, at which decision he seemed
thunderstruck, and hastily ejaculated that such a sentence meant
his dismissal from his post, and consequent ruin.—The learned
Magistrate said he ought to have thought of that before ill-treating
his pupil, a lad who, if well and kindly used, would doubtless become
an honour to his country. He was perfectly satisfied that the De-
fendant was a man of ungovernable temper, and wanted a sharp
lesson to teach him that the children of the poor and humble were
not to be knocked about out of sheer wanton caprice.

Squaring- the Circle.

(By a pestilent pooh-pooher of the Press.)

Impossible ? Pooh, Sir ! Examples abound.

(One at present seems being prepared.)

Explain P When a Journal comes suddenly round,
You may bet it has somehow been “ squared.”

The Missing Link.

Military Authorities, like the Duke of Cambridge and Sir
i Garnet Wolseley, have reported dead against the Channel Tunnel,
I and for some time, until another little war sends Egypt into oblivion,
Sir Garnet’s verdict will be law. The French half of the Tunnel,
however, which is progressing rapidly, appears to be forgotten in
these discussions, and one day, not very far distant, the French,
having completed their share of the work, will want to know why
we have lagged behind with ours. A casus belli, or a casus diving-
belli— may arise—touching the submarine right of way. It will
add one more to the grim farces of history, if we quarrel over a work
which we were afraid, to complete for fear of a quarrel.

Liberal Linen,

An enterprising Hosier has, we understand, obtained one of
Mr. Gladstone’s shirt-collars. He has manufactured an enormous
quantity of the same pattern, and it is expected they will be exten-
sively worn during the ensuing Session. The design is registered,
and the trade-mark is G.O.C., or the Grand Old CoRar.

true blue!

Unsurpassed both for courage and conduct in perilous scenes !
Marines ! Nay, we ’ll call you our true ne plus ultra Marines !