Punch: Punch (83.1882)

November 11, 1882.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

U j

SAFETY IN SMOKE.

[A Bremen chemist, named
Kirslxng, has announced that
the poisonous substances found in
eurars are very volatile, and pass
off with the smoke.]

Time was when, the Chemist
told us

Nicotine was strong and bad,
And the clouds that oft enfold
us

When we smoke might drive
men mad.

Then Intimidad or Yillar,

Or the Larranaga rare,
Surely was not worth the
“siller,”

Since a poison lingered there.

Now the weed may cheer and
warm us;

Kirsling vows it’s safe and
right,

Says no Nicotine can harm us,

Volatile it is and light.

And all other poisons vanish

With the rings of smoke,
afar;

Every thought of danger
banish.

Waiter ! Ho ! A fresh
cigar!

‘1 Aladdin Pasha has been
appointed as Head of the
Military Expedition to the
Soudan.” This begins to look
like Christmas time, indeed!
Here he is again! Aladdin
is immortal: here he is again,
lamp, ring, and genie, turning
up all of a Soudan!

The Longfellow Memo-
rial (Proposed companion
for).—A Shortfellow Memo-
rial. A statuette of General
Mite, the Midget.

PUNCH’S FANCY

PORTRAITS.-No. 109

HE NEW LORD MAYOR.

He can’t be made a Knight, because he is one already. He has,
as Lord Mayor, a fine-Knight existence of one year. Now,
“ Good Day ! ”—then, “ Good Knight ! ”

THE LOGIC OF THE
STARS.

The Meteorological Fore-
casts issued by the scientific
Weather-Office have lately on f
several days been curiously
confuted and flatly falsified,
by the actual weather. A
really remarkable contrast to
those prognostications is pre-
sented by the “ Weather Pre-
dictions ” of jolly old Zadehel.
The Meteorologists’ prophecies
embrace several specific dis-
tricts as to which they re-
spectively more or less differ.
Those of Zadkiel relate to
nowhere in particular. Con-
sequently, they are most of
them tolerably sure to prove
correct somewhere. Right you '
are again. Another case of
fulfilled prediction every day.
Diurnal witness to the veracity
of the Voice of the Stars. A
fig for Meteorology, and As-
trology for ever ! Hooray for
Astrology! Sold again—
Meteorologists, and Zadkiel's
Almanack.

“ ‘ Lancet ’ says I
Mustn’t.”

Dear old Chappie,

The Lancet informs me
I mustn’t go to Brighton, that
I mustn’t drink soda-water,
that I mustn’t smoke cigar-
ettes, and that I mustn’t have
my head shampooed. This is
all very well, don’t you know r
but how is a fella to amuse
himself at this season of the
year ? The Gaiety isn’t open
all day, and my favourite soli-
taire is lost. Life is a blank.

Yours most dolefully,

Marmy Masher.

To Boss Pdfch, Esq.

for the Sultan, the Khedive, and the Rulers of Russia, Austria,
Portugal, Sweden, Denmark, Greece, Italy, the Brazils, China,
Servia, the Transvaal, and the Argentine Republic. The Witness
will also prove that the President of the French Republic begged his
good offices to secure the completion of the Tunnel between Calais
and Dover, with a view to a French annexation of the Bank of
England. He will also produce letters from Messrs. Grevy, Gam-
betta, Leon Say, and Victor Hugo, all speaking in abusive terms
of Mr. Gladstone, and the Marquis of Salisbury.

Re-call'

The Defendant, who will prove anything and everything, and
finally (with the consent of the Bench) sing his own version of that
popular song, “ They all do it!"

EGYPTIAN NAMES WITH ENGLISH VARIATIONS.

They still talk of Arabi Bey

(Though his title’s Arabi Pasha);

Khe-di-ve, Khe-dive, Klie-di-veh.

Can’t all he consistent with law.

Kas-ass-in some mention with pride,

Kas-as-een more correctly we hear,

Tel-el-Keebir’s triumphantly cried,

Though it’s really Tel-el-Kebir.

Yet what are the odds, after all,

Mispronounce them, John Bull, as you may ?

He has surely best right to the call
Of the tune, who the piper will pay.

HAMBURGH, NOT HUMBUG.

This is a city where the sale of drink is practically unrestricted.
The basement of about every third house in the most frequented
streets is a drinking-shop; and there are plenty of cafes and
restaurants, where the people sit, and read, and drink, and smoke
in comfort. There are no fixed hours of closing, and yet the taverns
are quiet and orderly, and liquor is good and cheap. A drunken
man is rare, a druDken woman rarer. The fact that two hundred
Police are found, sufficient to control 400,000 people, including a
large maritime population, may be taken as a proof that grown
men, if not British slaves, can occasionally be trusted to look after
themselves.

Beer is freely mixed with music, Sundays and working days.
Dancing is popular, and is not watched by the Police. The German
Grandmother has found a way of regulating the dangerous classes,
without pestering respectable and responsible people. The streets,
unlike the streets in the city of Britons-Never-Never, are pass-
able at all hours for all people, and especially after eleven at
night. Happy Hamburg !

The Wish.

{By an Angry Tory.)

So Gladstone—confound him—has “ rallied his forces,”
And spurts for the goal—may it be hut a spurt!

T wish we could dish him. He’s fond of “ three courses,”
But oh ! for the hour when he gets his dessert !

“Unsatisfactory Commercial Relations.”—Our “Uncles.”

The Late Heavy Gales.—Light as Air.