DOI issue:
September 6, 1884
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17757#0119
112
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(September 6, iee4.
BROWN AND JONES AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE
Scene — The Buckingham Palace Road. Enter Brown and Jones
(r. and L.). They meet, start violently, and then speak.
Brown. Can I believe my eyes! What, Jones, the school-friend
I haven’t seen these twenty years !
Jones. The same {with a sigh) ; and, if I am not mistaken, I am
addressing Brown P
Brown. You are, indeed. And, as we haven’t met these twenty
years, or more, I would merely ask—All well at home ?
Jones. Thanks—tol-lol. Fanny has a slight cold ; but, as you do
not know her, what matters that ? And your circle ?
Broivn. Fairish, thanks. And so, Jones, it is indeed yourself;
and (for I have an ex ellent memory for dates), your birthday ?
The Crystal Palace as it ought to be.
Jones. Pia-ht again. As you say (sadly), it is indeed my birthday !
Brown. Nay—why this* mournful tone? You want cheering,
man, and I will entertain you. What are you doing to-day ?
Jones {gloomily). Nothing. My family are out of town.
Brown {cheerfully). Well, and so are mine. Come, you shall be
my Guest. I will take no refusal. We will go to the Crystal Palace.
Jones {with a melancholy smile). The same old Brown as ever!
\_They go by the High Level route to Sydenham.
Brown. I am glad you are my Guest, although the outing will not
be inexpensive. I always travel third class.
Jones (with some bitterness). So it seems.
Broivn. I hate your stilling first, your genteel second. No, give
me your honest, homely third. And did we not have a pleasant
journey ? Confess, you did not expect to see so many stations P
Jones. Certainly—and we stopped at all of them.
Brown. Indeed we did ! Well, here we are in the Central Tran-
sept ! Is not this a grand sight ? Look at all this beautiful glass,
those exquisite bronzes, yonder matchless porcelain. This costly
collection of objects, all worthy of attention, is called the Inter-
national Exhibition. What do you think of it P
Jones {with enthusiasm). Really the best thing I have seen for
rears. As you say—or should say—one might spend days in admiring
X Why, the place should be crowded! And yet -{looking about
.dm)—I see but few spectators !
Brown {heartily). Then let us make up for the deficiency ! Come,
you are my Guest,—there is no extra charge,—let us enjoy ourselves.
{They devote hours to the examination of one of the prettiest
little Exhibitions of modern times.
Jones. But tell me, Brown—is there not a Fine Art Gallery in
connection with this delightful show P
Brown. Indeed there is ! A magnificent collection of Pictures,
foreign and English. Really good, and well worth the extra sixpence
charged for admission.
Jones. Let us go to see them.
Brown {hesitating). Well, they are in the Galleries, and I know
>rou do not like mounting steps. {Smiling.) I must consult the
comfort of my Guest.
Jones; Nay, you are wrong. For the last twenty years I have
been the most daring of Alpine climbers. Come, I say, come !
Brown {resignedly). Well, then, be it as you will. You are my
Guest. {Sloivly producing a shilling.) We will see the Picture
Galleries. {Stopping suddenly, and bursting into tears.) No ! no ! I
cannot bear the sight again ! I cannot admit once more that British
Art is inferior to Foreign ! It is too, too, too painful! No, you must
excuse me ! [ Weeps.
Jones. Nay, I meant not this ! Well, we will not go.
Broivn {regaining his cheerfulness, and putting back his shilling).
A thousand hearty thanks, my honoured Guest. I see you are the
same old Jones. {Starting.) But what is this? Your cheek is
pale, your breath comes and goes ! Surely, you are not dying ?
Jones {bitterly). No, not dying. No such luck. {In a weak voice.)
I merely faint for hunger. '{Sinks on to seat.
Brown. Oh, that is all! WeU, my honoured Guest, after you
have seen the Illuminations, you can go home to supper.
Officer of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
1suddenly interposing). This man is dying of hunger! If he is not
fed immediately, I shall summon you.
Bi own. Come, Jones— {with a defiant glance at Officer)—come to
dinner! \_He leads his Guest to the South Wing, where they dine.
Jones {revived). Well, really a most excellent mtal!
Broivn. As you say, excellent. Were you not my Guest, I would
tell you that although cheap for the money, it is very expensive.
Jones. Expensive! Two soups, two fishes, two entries, a choice of
joints, cheese, and dessert, and all for three-and-sixpence! You
call that expensive!
Brown. A Rothschild, no doubt, would smile at the amount!
Well, we have enjoyed it, the more especially as by taking no wine
and confining ourselves to water, we have been able to appreciate the
full flavour of every dish. And so, my honoured Guest, you have
taken the Blue Ribbon P
Jones {surprised and indignant). Not I! On the contrary, my
Doctor orders me champagne with every meal.
Brown {sadly, and reproachfully). Oh, why did I not know this
before P
Jones {eagerly). It is not even now too late. I often take my wine
with the fruit.
, Brown {with much feeling). You shall not! No, no; with the
cholera at our very door, you shall take no fruit! Besides, it is too
late now to stay longer. The Illuminations demand our immediate
attention.
[.Hurriedly settles the bill, forgets the Waiter, and drags his
Guest into the grounds.
Jones {with genuine admirationh Why, this is magnificent. The
“ Healthtries” are nowhere! I have never seen anything grander
in my life!
Brown {heartily). Enjoy yourself to the full, my honoured Guest.
'ejw-
The Crystal Palace Railway as it oughtn’t to be.
Take one of these chairs—there is no extra charge—and watch the
thousands of twinkling lamps, the Chinese lanterns, the fairy lakes,
and the magical alcoves. Isn’t it pretty ?
Jones. Indeed, it is! And all the outcome of oil, coloured glass*
and paper!
Brown, And taste, Jones; taste! And now, my honoured Guest,
we must return. When we met this morning, friend of my school-
days, I made up my mind that yon should laugh before the night
was over. And you shall. We will return by the Low Level route.
Jones {roaring with merriment). Oh, I have heard of it! Platform
crammed with passengers waiting for trains that, seemingly, never
come, trains filled with third-class passengers, in first-class carriages*
that, apparently, keep no particular time ! confusion everywhere*
and on all sides what the French call “ reclamation.” Oh, a wicked,
funny, madcap line !
Brown. Ah, indeed it is. Come, then let ns enjoy the jest!
[ They spend the next two or three hours in catching a train and
getting to Victoria.
Jones {bidding his friend farewell). A right merry day. And so it
is twenty years since last we met!
Brown. Yes, my honoured Guest; and, before we go, I would ask
one trifling favour. The loan of a sovereign.
Jones (smiling, and giving money). The same old Brown ! Well,
farewell; it may be twenty years before we meet again !
Brown {pocketing sovereign). It may, indeed! {Exeunt,
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
(September 6, iee4.
BROWN AND JONES AT THE CRYSTAL PALACE
Scene — The Buckingham Palace Road. Enter Brown and Jones
(r. and L.). They meet, start violently, and then speak.
Brown. Can I believe my eyes! What, Jones, the school-friend
I haven’t seen these twenty years !
Jones. The same {with a sigh) ; and, if I am not mistaken, I am
addressing Brown P
Brown. You are, indeed. And, as we haven’t met these twenty
years, or more, I would merely ask—All well at home ?
Jones. Thanks—tol-lol. Fanny has a slight cold ; but, as you do
not know her, what matters that ? And your circle ?
Broivn. Fairish, thanks. And so, Jones, it is indeed yourself;
and (for I have an ex ellent memory for dates), your birthday ?
The Crystal Palace as it ought to be.
Jones. Pia-ht again. As you say (sadly), it is indeed my birthday !
Brown. Nay—why this* mournful tone? You want cheering,
man, and I will entertain you. What are you doing to-day ?
Jones {gloomily). Nothing. My family are out of town.
Brown {cheerfully). Well, and so are mine. Come, you shall be
my Guest. I will take no refusal. We will go to the Crystal Palace.
Jones {with a melancholy smile). The same old Brown as ever!
\_They go by the High Level route to Sydenham.
Brown. I am glad you are my Guest, although the outing will not
be inexpensive. I always travel third class.
Jones (with some bitterness). So it seems.
Broivn. I hate your stilling first, your genteel second. No, give
me your honest, homely third. And did we not have a pleasant
journey ? Confess, you did not expect to see so many stations P
Jones. Certainly—and we stopped at all of them.
Brown. Indeed we did ! Well, here we are in the Central Tran-
sept ! Is not this a grand sight ? Look at all this beautiful glass,
those exquisite bronzes, yonder matchless porcelain. This costly
collection of objects, all worthy of attention, is called the Inter-
national Exhibition. What do you think of it P
Jones {with enthusiasm). Really the best thing I have seen for
rears. As you say—or should say—one might spend days in admiring
X Why, the place should be crowded! And yet -{looking about
.dm)—I see but few spectators !
Brown {heartily). Then let us make up for the deficiency ! Come,
you are my Guest,—there is no extra charge,—let us enjoy ourselves.
{They devote hours to the examination of one of the prettiest
little Exhibitions of modern times.
Jones. But tell me, Brown—is there not a Fine Art Gallery in
connection with this delightful show P
Brown. Indeed there is ! A magnificent collection of Pictures,
foreign and English. Really good, and well worth the extra sixpence
charged for admission.
Jones. Let us go to see them.
Brown {hesitating). Well, they are in the Galleries, and I know
>rou do not like mounting steps. {Smiling.) I must consult the
comfort of my Guest.
Jones; Nay, you are wrong. For the last twenty years I have
been the most daring of Alpine climbers. Come, I say, come !
Brown {resignedly). Well, then, be it as you will. You are my
Guest. {Sloivly producing a shilling.) We will see the Picture
Galleries. {Stopping suddenly, and bursting into tears.) No ! no ! I
cannot bear the sight again ! I cannot admit once more that British
Art is inferior to Foreign ! It is too, too, too painful! No, you must
excuse me ! [ Weeps.
Jones. Nay, I meant not this ! Well, we will not go.
Broivn {regaining his cheerfulness, and putting back his shilling).
A thousand hearty thanks, my honoured Guest. I see you are the
same old Jones. {Starting.) But what is this? Your cheek is
pale, your breath comes and goes ! Surely, you are not dying ?
Jones {bitterly). No, not dying. No such luck. {In a weak voice.)
I merely faint for hunger. '{Sinks on to seat.
Brown. Oh, that is all! WeU, my honoured Guest, after you
have seen the Illuminations, you can go home to supper.
Officer of the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
1suddenly interposing). This man is dying of hunger! If he is not
fed immediately, I shall summon you.
Bi own. Come, Jones— {with a defiant glance at Officer)—come to
dinner! \_He leads his Guest to the South Wing, where they dine.
Jones {revived). Well, really a most excellent mtal!
Broivn. As you say, excellent. Were you not my Guest, I would
tell you that although cheap for the money, it is very expensive.
Jones. Expensive! Two soups, two fishes, two entries, a choice of
joints, cheese, and dessert, and all for three-and-sixpence! You
call that expensive!
Brown. A Rothschild, no doubt, would smile at the amount!
Well, we have enjoyed it, the more especially as by taking no wine
and confining ourselves to water, we have been able to appreciate the
full flavour of every dish. And so, my honoured Guest, you have
taken the Blue Ribbon P
Jones {surprised and indignant). Not I! On the contrary, my
Doctor orders me champagne with every meal.
Brown {sadly, and reproachfully). Oh, why did I not know this
before P
Jones {eagerly). It is not even now too late. I often take my wine
with the fruit.
, Brown {with much feeling). You shall not! No, no; with the
cholera at our very door, you shall take no fruit! Besides, it is too
late now to stay longer. The Illuminations demand our immediate
attention.
[.Hurriedly settles the bill, forgets the Waiter, and drags his
Guest into the grounds.
Jones {with genuine admirationh Why, this is magnificent. The
“ Healthtries” are nowhere! I have never seen anything grander
in my life!
Brown {heartily). Enjoy yourself to the full, my honoured Guest.
'ejw-
The Crystal Palace Railway as it oughtn’t to be.
Take one of these chairs—there is no extra charge—and watch the
thousands of twinkling lamps, the Chinese lanterns, the fairy lakes,
and the magical alcoves. Isn’t it pretty ?
Jones. Indeed, it is! And all the outcome of oil, coloured glass*
and paper!
Brown, And taste, Jones; taste! And now, my honoured Guest,
we must return. When we met this morning, friend of my school-
days, I made up my mind that yon should laugh before the night
was over. And you shall. We will return by the Low Level route.
Jones {roaring with merriment). Oh, I have heard of it! Platform
crammed with passengers waiting for trains that, seemingly, never
come, trains filled with third-class passengers, in first-class carriages*
that, apparently, keep no particular time ! confusion everywhere*
and on all sides what the French call “ reclamation.” Oh, a wicked,
funny, madcap line !
Brown. Ah, indeed it is. Come, then let ns enjoy the jest!
[ They spend the next two or three hours in catching a train and
getting to Victoria.
Jones {bidding his friend farewell). A right merry day. And so it
is twenty years since last we met!
Brown. Yes, my honoured Guest; and, before we go, I would ask
one trifling favour. The loan of a sovereign.
Jones (smiling, and giving money). The same old Brown ! Well,
farewell; it may be twenty years before we meet again !
Brown {pocketing sovereign). It may, indeed! {Exeunt,