DOI issue:
November 8, 1884
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17757#0224
November 8, 1884,]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
217
THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.
Several inaccurate descriptions of the Procession of the 10th having
been recently published, it has been considered advisable to give
the correct Programme. The following may be relied upon as
authentic :—
Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police
clearing their throats.
The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing
Machines drawn by their own Horses.
A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired fiys.
THE COMPANY OP POLITICIANS.
The Premier, Axing his way.
Sir William Harcourt, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour.
The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.
THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.
Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes,
in a chariot Drawn by Themselves '■ !
THE COMPANY OF WRITERS
Lord Tennyson, in his Inverness cape and coronet.
Professor Rusk:in, anyhow.
A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.
THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.
Mr. Toole drawing a House.
Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “ Strollers.”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as Sandwich Girls, carrying
Somebody’s Soft Soap.
THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.
Our Only General, in his only uniform.
Our Only Admiral, a little out of date.
Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.
THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.
Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything.
Mr. George Gbossmith as “ The Susceptible Chancellor,” followed
hv all The Judges of Wine, of Pictures, of Plays, and
The Judge oe the Race in his own private box.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “ A Positive,” hearing banner with motto
“ Photo de Mieux,”
In his State Robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.
The Procession will be closed by
A Negative oe the Late Lord Mayor
Accompanied by Band playing “ Love for a Year ! ”
FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING;
OR, A PARLIAMENT OE BEASTS.
The Beasts and the Birds were in Session. Desirous of expediting
the somewhat slow progress of Natural Development, and of attain-
ing the higher privileges of Manhood a few million years earlier than
Darwinian doctrine might seem to render likely, they had deter-
mined upon taking hints from LEsop and Aristophanes, defying
the objection of Jean Jacoues Rousseau, and practising themselves
I at least in that vocal confabulation which is the pride and delight of
advanced humanity.
They had, therefore, started—a3 an experiment—a Parliament of
Beasts (including representative Birds and not shutting out selected
I Fishes)—whose business it was to discuss and—of course—to settle
the affairs of the Animal Commonwealth. Never, since the time of
! Noah’s Ark had there been such a Congress of Beasts. Their meet-
I ing-place was kept—or intended to be kept—a secret. But on the
introduction of a Parliament and a Press into the Animal Kingdom,
| corrupt or careless Officialism and — let us say “enterprising”
Journalism could hardly be excluded, and, as in the case of the
Draft Redistribution Bill, something somehow and through some-
body somewhere, leaked out. In point of fact, Our Own Represen-
tative, disguised, like the celebrated Special Correspondent of Pande-
monium, as a Cormorant, sat perched amidst the thick foliage of an
adjacent tree during a portion of the sitting now to be described.
When our Representative arrived, the Lion, who had been ap-
pointed Premier, was expounding State Policy ore rotundo, and with
true leonine eloquence and prolixity. He was, however, subjected
to the unfamiliar rudeness of repeated interruption, which seemed
I not a little to surprise and irritate the erewhile King of Beasts. He
had not been used to it, and, in ante-constitutional days, would have
made exceedingly short work of any beast who attempted it.
“ Gentlemen,” said he, glaring ferociously at a benignant-looking-
grey-bearded Billy Goat opposite him, “I shall endeavour—I say I
shall endeavour, to restrain myself within the limits of Parlia-
mentary usage. Put--
Here the Dodo rose to order, and appealed to the Speaker to know
whether the utterance of the significant, not to say offensive word
“ But,” with such ferocious emphasis, did not constitute a menace,
full of murderous suggestiveness. He was proceeding to characterise
it as an outrage worthy of the autocratic insolence of a Gladstone,
when the Speaker, interposing, said that the Honourable Member for
Marish in comparing the Premier with a Gladstone, had himself
far transcended the limits of Parliamentary decency. The Dodo,
fluttering his wings wildly, protested that he had only spoken
figuratively, and wanted to know whether what he had said was
halt as bad as comparing himself—Mr. Didxts Inepttjs—as the Jackal
had lately done, to a Lord John Manners. (Poars of laughter.)
The Jackal hoped that the House would support the Chair, and
protect the Premier against the malignantly feeble innuendos of that
antiquated defamer ot his betters, the Dodo. A Gladstone, indeed !
He himself would as soon be called a Chamberlain—than which no
term of reproach-” Here he was interrupted by yells of, “Yon
are! you are! ” and began to loam at the mouth, and snap violently at
the Mace. A scene of indescribable turmoil ensued, and, when it a little
subsided from the sheer exhaustion of the antagonists, a diminutive
but audacious Pug called the attention ot the House to the fact that,
during the debate, or howling match, whichever they liked to call it,
the Hippopotamus, not satisfied with insultingly snapping his ugly
tusks at him, had deliberately called him a cock-nosed Churchill !
(.Execrations ad libitum.) He did not wonder at Honourable Mem-
bers being horrified. He never called names or used strong language
himself. (“ Oh, oh!” and “ Order ! ” mingled with sounds like
steam-w hi sites and thesharpening of saivs.) He repeated, Never !
But he must.say that the observation of the Hon. Member for Mud-
slop was worthy of nothing but a Hippopotamus or a Harcohrt ! ! !
{Sensation.)
Here the Hippopotamus, rolling over on his side in simulated
laughter, nearly settled his honourable friend the Ornithorhynchus,
whose duck-bill wagged and snapped spasmodically at the squeeze.
The Hysena, openly deriding the sufferings of the poor Duckbill, was
reminded by the Camel that they did not want the mannerless
malignity of a Biggar introduced into that House. This so infuriated
the Hysena, that he declared the Camel a Chim sera-Cerberus, being
as bad as a callous Hartington, a sanguinary Spencer, and a
truculent Trevelyan rolled into one.
This climax of truly Parliamentary personality was the signal for
an utterly indescribable vocal uproar, of which our Cormorant-
Correspondent, who was nearly shaken from his arboreal perch by
the shindy, can only say that it was worthy of St. Stephen’s at its
best—or worst. The Lion, after vainly endeavouring to stem the
furious flood of M.P.-like palaver by articulate remonstrances and
menaces, fell hack upon his more native gifts, and uplifted his voice
in one vast thundering, re-echoing roar, which hushed the wordy
tumult as if by magic, and left the House of Beasts, Speaker,
Ministers, Opposition, Simian Fourth Party, and all, quaking in
scared silence.
“ Gentlemen,” said the Lion,—“ or rather to drop this detestable
masquerade of humanity,—brother Beasts, this will never do! When
Darwin spoke of the Descent of Man, he evidently spoke advisedly.
In the destined course of Development we may be driven to make
that dismal descent. But let us not he mad enough, like those
unfortunate Gadarene swine, to make it prematurely or precipitately.
I, at least, will be no party to further imitation of Man and his ways,
Parliamentary or otherwise. This disgraceful scene decides me.
We have begun by calling each other human names; we shall end
by deserving them. I declare this Assembly dissolved. If this
House is not empty in two minutes-”
But in less than one the House was cleared, and our Correspondent
scudding homeward with his copy.
The Equestrian Statues for Blackfriars Bridge.
Henry the Fifth, Edward the First, Edward the Third,
the Black Prince, Sir Robert Fitz-Walter are well enough in
their way, but, after all, they are somewhat old-fashioned. For a
modern bridge we want a modern hero. Sir John Bennett, on
his palfrey, handsomely caparisoned in velvet coat, white vest,
cords, high boots, and low hat, as we sometimes see him on Derby
Day, would be the very thing! Motto, “ Semper vigilans,”—always
on the watch. Let Messrs. Birch, Thornycroft, Broce, Belt, and
Adams perpend, and send in their models without delay.
“ What Must be Done.”—The Pall Mall Gazette, in its Four
Yiews of the English Navy, deduces from Mr. W. H. Smith’s re-
marks, that “ those who rely on improvised Cruisers, rely upon a
broken Reed.” Rather hard on Sir Edward. Did he propose
“improvised Cruisers?” He advocated ships which should be
“impervious,” not “improvised.”
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
217
THE LORD MAYOR'S SHOW.
Several inaccurate descriptions of the Procession of the 10th having
been recently published, it has been considered advisable to give
the correct Programme. The following may be relied upon as
authentic :—
Mounted Police clearing five-barred gates. City Police
clearing their throats.
The Mayors of Brighton, Ramsgate, and Margate in Bathing
Machines drawn by their own Horses.
A lot of people whom nobody knows in hired fiys.
THE COMPANY OP POLITICIANS.
The Premier, Axing his way.
Sir William Harcourt, with Municipal Bill, arm-in-arm.
One hundred Members of the House of Peers, in morning dress.
The old Chain Pier from Brighton in full armour.
The Faithful Wimbledon, Wandsworth and Putney Commons.
THE COMPANY OF PAINTERS.
Twenty Royal Academicians, in beautiful modern costumes,
in a chariot Drawn by Themselves '■ !
THE COMPANY OF WRITERS
Lord Tennyson, in his Inverness cape and coronet.
Professor Rusk:in, anyhow.
A round dozen of the Incorporated Society of Authors, assorted.
THE COMPANY OF PLAYERS.
Mr. Toole drawing a House.
Walking Gentlemen coming slowly as “ Strollers.”
The Jersey Lily and Lyceum Mary, as Sandwich Girls, carrying
Somebody’s Soft Soap.
THE COMPANY OF WARRIORS.
Our Only General, in his only uniform.
Our Only Admiral, a little out of date.
Ironclads on horseback. Each mounted on an old screw.
THE COMPANY OF ROYALTIES.
Royalties on Songs, Royalties on Books, Royalties on everything.
Mr. George Gbossmith as “ The Susceptible Chancellor,” followed
hv all The Judges of Wine, of Pictures, of Plays, and
The Judge oe the Race in his own private box.
THE RIGHT HONOURABLE THE LORD MAYOR,
as “ A Positive,” hearing banner with motto
“ Photo de Mieux,”
In his State Robes,
Supported by the Stereoscopic Company.
The Procession will be closed by
A Negative oe the Late Lord Mayor
Accompanied by Band playing “ Love for a Year ! ”
FIGURATIVELY SPEAKING;
OR, A PARLIAMENT OE BEASTS.
The Beasts and the Birds were in Session. Desirous of expediting
the somewhat slow progress of Natural Development, and of attain-
ing the higher privileges of Manhood a few million years earlier than
Darwinian doctrine might seem to render likely, they had deter-
mined upon taking hints from LEsop and Aristophanes, defying
the objection of Jean Jacoues Rousseau, and practising themselves
I at least in that vocal confabulation which is the pride and delight of
advanced humanity.
They had, therefore, started—a3 an experiment—a Parliament of
Beasts (including representative Birds and not shutting out selected
I Fishes)—whose business it was to discuss and—of course—to settle
the affairs of the Animal Commonwealth. Never, since the time of
! Noah’s Ark had there been such a Congress of Beasts. Their meet-
I ing-place was kept—or intended to be kept—a secret. But on the
introduction of a Parliament and a Press into the Animal Kingdom,
| corrupt or careless Officialism and — let us say “enterprising”
Journalism could hardly be excluded, and, as in the case of the
Draft Redistribution Bill, something somehow and through some-
body somewhere, leaked out. In point of fact, Our Own Represen-
tative, disguised, like the celebrated Special Correspondent of Pande-
monium, as a Cormorant, sat perched amidst the thick foliage of an
adjacent tree during a portion of the sitting now to be described.
When our Representative arrived, the Lion, who had been ap-
pointed Premier, was expounding State Policy ore rotundo, and with
true leonine eloquence and prolixity. He was, however, subjected
to the unfamiliar rudeness of repeated interruption, which seemed
I not a little to surprise and irritate the erewhile King of Beasts. He
had not been used to it, and, in ante-constitutional days, would have
made exceedingly short work of any beast who attempted it.
“ Gentlemen,” said he, glaring ferociously at a benignant-looking-
grey-bearded Billy Goat opposite him, “I shall endeavour—I say I
shall endeavour, to restrain myself within the limits of Parlia-
mentary usage. Put--
Here the Dodo rose to order, and appealed to the Speaker to know
whether the utterance of the significant, not to say offensive word
“ But,” with such ferocious emphasis, did not constitute a menace,
full of murderous suggestiveness. He was proceeding to characterise
it as an outrage worthy of the autocratic insolence of a Gladstone,
when the Speaker, interposing, said that the Honourable Member for
Marish in comparing the Premier with a Gladstone, had himself
far transcended the limits of Parliamentary decency. The Dodo,
fluttering his wings wildly, protested that he had only spoken
figuratively, and wanted to know whether what he had said was
halt as bad as comparing himself—Mr. Didxts Inepttjs—as the Jackal
had lately done, to a Lord John Manners. (Poars of laughter.)
The Jackal hoped that the House would support the Chair, and
protect the Premier against the malignantly feeble innuendos of that
antiquated defamer ot his betters, the Dodo. A Gladstone, indeed !
He himself would as soon be called a Chamberlain—than which no
term of reproach-” Here he was interrupted by yells of, “Yon
are! you are! ” and began to loam at the mouth, and snap violently at
the Mace. A scene of indescribable turmoil ensued, and, when it a little
subsided from the sheer exhaustion of the antagonists, a diminutive
but audacious Pug called the attention ot the House to the fact that,
during the debate, or howling match, whichever they liked to call it,
the Hippopotamus, not satisfied with insultingly snapping his ugly
tusks at him, had deliberately called him a cock-nosed Churchill !
(.Execrations ad libitum.) He did not wonder at Honourable Mem-
bers being horrified. He never called names or used strong language
himself. (“ Oh, oh!” and “ Order ! ” mingled with sounds like
steam-w hi sites and thesharpening of saivs.) He repeated, Never !
But he must.say that the observation of the Hon. Member for Mud-
slop was worthy of nothing but a Hippopotamus or a Harcohrt ! ! !
{Sensation.)
Here the Hippopotamus, rolling over on his side in simulated
laughter, nearly settled his honourable friend the Ornithorhynchus,
whose duck-bill wagged and snapped spasmodically at the squeeze.
The Hysena, openly deriding the sufferings of the poor Duckbill, was
reminded by the Camel that they did not want the mannerless
malignity of a Biggar introduced into that House. This so infuriated
the Hysena, that he declared the Camel a Chim sera-Cerberus, being
as bad as a callous Hartington, a sanguinary Spencer, and a
truculent Trevelyan rolled into one.
This climax of truly Parliamentary personality was the signal for
an utterly indescribable vocal uproar, of which our Cormorant-
Correspondent, who was nearly shaken from his arboreal perch by
the shindy, can only say that it was worthy of St. Stephen’s at its
best—or worst. The Lion, after vainly endeavouring to stem the
furious flood of M.P.-like palaver by articulate remonstrances and
menaces, fell hack upon his more native gifts, and uplifted his voice
in one vast thundering, re-echoing roar, which hushed the wordy
tumult as if by magic, and left the House of Beasts, Speaker,
Ministers, Opposition, Simian Fourth Party, and all, quaking in
scared silence.
“ Gentlemen,” said the Lion,—“ or rather to drop this detestable
masquerade of humanity,—brother Beasts, this will never do! When
Darwin spoke of the Descent of Man, he evidently spoke advisedly.
In the destined course of Development we may be driven to make
that dismal descent. But let us not he mad enough, like those
unfortunate Gadarene swine, to make it prematurely or precipitately.
I, at least, will be no party to further imitation of Man and his ways,
Parliamentary or otherwise. This disgraceful scene decides me.
We have begun by calling each other human names; we shall end
by deserving them. I declare this Assembly dissolved. If this
House is not empty in two minutes-”
But in less than one the House was cleared, and our Correspondent
scudding homeward with his copy.
The Equestrian Statues for Blackfriars Bridge.
Henry the Fifth, Edward the First, Edward the Third,
the Black Prince, Sir Robert Fitz-Walter are well enough in
their way, but, after all, they are somewhat old-fashioned. For a
modern bridge we want a modern hero. Sir John Bennett, on
his palfrey, handsomely caparisoned in velvet coat, white vest,
cords, high boots, and low hat, as we sometimes see him on Derby
Day, would be the very thing! Motto, “ Semper vigilans,”—always
on the watch. Let Messrs. Birch, Thornycroft, Broce, Belt, and
Adams perpend, and send in their models without delay.
“ What Must be Done.”—The Pall Mall Gazette, in its Four
Yiews of the English Navy, deduces from Mr. W. H. Smith’s re-
marks, that “ those who rely on improvised Cruisers, rely upon a
broken Reed.” Rather hard on Sir Edward. Did he propose
“improvised Cruisers?” He advocated ships which should be
“impervious,” not “improvised.”