DOI issue:
September 27, 1884
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17757#0152
September 27, 1884.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
145
THE MODERN PIERIAN SPRING.
“The facts that there are a number of half-starved children in London Schools, and that they are
not merely being educated but prepared for examination—the same examination which has to be passed
by their plump, well-fed companions—substantiate the statement that educational over-pressure exists.”—
l)r. Crichton-Browne's Report on Over-Pressure.
Mr. Inspector Punch (to the Mother of the Muses). “ Don’t overdo it, my dear Madam !
Remember, all Pitchers are not of the same size ! ”
. Mr. Inspector Punch. Well, my dear Madam, how are you getting: on ?
The Modern Mnemosyne (a little drearily). Oh, capitally—on the whole.
Mr. Inspector Punch. I notice that you speak with a certain hesitancy, not to say
reservation.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Well, Mitndella tells me that my new task is being very suc-
cessfully carried on, as judged by results. But then, you see, it is a new task. The modern
Pieria is not much like the ancient one.\ (Sighs.)
Mr. Inspector Punch. Why, certainly there is a difference between the Muse-haunted
Spring and the new Educational Drinking-Fountain.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Yes. Men used to flock voluntarily, nay, eagerly, to the
Spring, to worship my daughters. Now, at that Fountain, I have to take the initiative, and
sometimes feel more like Mrs. Squeers than the Mother of the Muses.
Mr. Inspector Punch. I see. Fadling the waters of knowledge into juvenile mouths'as
though you were administering brimstone-and-treacle !
The Modern Mnemosyne. Of course, it’s all for their good.
Mr. Inspector Punch. So was the brimstone and treacle, in the eyes of Dotheboys Hall.
I observe, though, that there seems to he a difference of taste—or capacity—amongst the
recipients of your doubtless wholesome doses. Yonder little man took his like a man, and
seemed to relish it. But this pale puny urchin here made a great deal of spluttering over
it, and looks now as though it had rather choked than refreshed him.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Well, you see he is dull—and delicate—and, I fear, not too well
fed. Very difficult to deal with, that sort of boy.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Are you quite sure you have hit upon the right way of dealing
with him ?
The Modern Mnemosyne. I suppose it is my business to make them all drink their fill
from my Fountain.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Their fill, say you ? Perhaps. But all pitchers are not of the
same size. There is a difference between being invited to drink, and being subjected to the
Torture by Water, as the old tormentors used to call it.
“ A little learning is a dangerous thing ;
Drink deep or taste not the Pierian Spring,” ,
—is an old poetical precept, but it requires judgment in its application—in relation to your
latter-day Pieria at least.
The Modern Mnemosyne. But what am I to do, my dear Punch ?
Mr. Inspector Punch. Distinguish, my dear Madam. Nobody hut an abject noodle, a
rabid reactionist, or a narrow bigot has anything to say against your Fountain, or its free
draughts. Unfortunately, noodles, reactionists, and bigots still abound, and these will be
only too glad to take advantage of aDy mistakes of yonrs in order to defeat your wise purposes,
and disparage your excellent intentions. All the more necessary for you to he careful as
well as zealous, discreet as well as liberal. Your waters, no doubt, are good for all, hut all
uannot drink equally deep of them, and it is cruel folly to attempt to make them. A pint
measure will not hold a quart, and a stupid,
sickly, and half-starved urchin cannot
absorb what may come easy to a bright and
well-fed youngster. The effort to make
him do so is as cruel as the gorging of
Strasbourg geese, and less fruitful of useful
result. In this matter we may learn some-
thing even from the possibly not altogether
Admirable Crichton-Browne.
The Modern Mnemosyne (indignant).
Mine enemy, Mitndella, tells me, and
Fitch makes clear.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Fas est et ah hoste
doceri! My dear Madam, if it is once be-
lieved by the wise and humane, as well
as asserted by the prejudiced, that your
Fountain cannot How freely for the many
without torture or overstrain to the few,
your work will be rendered doubly difficult,
and that beneficent stream of the Modern
Pieria blocked and dammed, if not dried up
entirely. A Fountain is not a Force Pump,
you know, and over-pressure will only end
in a regrettable burst-up. Let all drink
freely, and to their fullest capacity, of
your wholesome and quickening waters.
But all capacities are not the same ; and
if you would beneficently universalise your
draughts, you must rationally—regulate
your doses !
THE ST. PANCRAS RECIPE FOR
CHOLERA.
Take a long, narrowish street, full of
houses (not too new), and cover the pave-
ments before them with Butchers’ Block
Ornaments and the overflows of Green-
grocers’ shops. Having got this foundation,
proceed to deal with the road, which must
be of a material to absorb and retain vege-
table and animal garbage. Sprinkle freely
with harrows containing strong-smelling
comestibles, and allow the trimmings to
accumulate into a semi-liquid mass of de-
caying matter. Now add some stale fish,
and let the whole simmer through an entire
Summer.
While the simmering is going on, divide
the responsibility between two neighbouring
Yestries, in unequal proportions. Having
done this, one of the Yestries will adhere
to two of the houses, while the other will
stir up for a day or two a few slightly
damaged artisans into the seething mass,
without in the least altering its normal
condition.
Having thus obtained your home stock,
all you now require is a little foreign
flavour. Let a germ from Marseilles,
Toulon, or Naples (either of the three will
do equally well) be hut once introduced,
and you will find your dished thorough-
fare an almost inexhaustible centre of the
specialite to obtain which you have striven
so energetically and intelligently.
You may call your street Gfoodge-for-
Nothing Street, or Little Mud-Salad Market,
according to taste.
Advice Gratis.
The following Advertisement appears in
the Daily News :—
WANTED,, OPINION on NOVEL, with
recommendation to Publishers. ^Moderate
terms.
Mr. Punch's advice to this Advertiser is
to bring out the Novel at once at his own
expense, and then he would probably, get
plenty of opinions on it for nothing.
Whether those opinions would chance to he
“ recommendations to Publishers,” or not,
of course would remain to be proved.
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
145
THE MODERN PIERIAN SPRING.
“The facts that there are a number of half-starved children in London Schools, and that they are
not merely being educated but prepared for examination—the same examination which has to be passed
by their plump, well-fed companions—substantiate the statement that educational over-pressure exists.”—
l)r. Crichton-Browne's Report on Over-Pressure.
Mr. Inspector Punch (to the Mother of the Muses). “ Don’t overdo it, my dear Madam !
Remember, all Pitchers are not of the same size ! ”
. Mr. Inspector Punch. Well, my dear Madam, how are you getting: on ?
The Modern Mnemosyne (a little drearily). Oh, capitally—on the whole.
Mr. Inspector Punch. I notice that you speak with a certain hesitancy, not to say
reservation.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Well, Mitndella tells me that my new task is being very suc-
cessfully carried on, as judged by results. But then, you see, it is a new task. The modern
Pieria is not much like the ancient one.\ (Sighs.)
Mr. Inspector Punch. Why, certainly there is a difference between the Muse-haunted
Spring and the new Educational Drinking-Fountain.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Yes. Men used to flock voluntarily, nay, eagerly, to the
Spring, to worship my daughters. Now, at that Fountain, I have to take the initiative, and
sometimes feel more like Mrs. Squeers than the Mother of the Muses.
Mr. Inspector Punch. I see. Fadling the waters of knowledge into juvenile mouths'as
though you were administering brimstone-and-treacle !
The Modern Mnemosyne. Of course, it’s all for their good.
Mr. Inspector Punch. So was the brimstone and treacle, in the eyes of Dotheboys Hall.
I observe, though, that there seems to he a difference of taste—or capacity—amongst the
recipients of your doubtless wholesome doses. Yonder little man took his like a man, and
seemed to relish it. But this pale puny urchin here made a great deal of spluttering over
it, and looks now as though it had rather choked than refreshed him.
The Modern Mnemosyne. Well, you see he is dull—and delicate—and, I fear, not too well
fed. Very difficult to deal with, that sort of boy.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Are you quite sure you have hit upon the right way of dealing
with him ?
The Modern Mnemosyne. I suppose it is my business to make them all drink their fill
from my Fountain.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Their fill, say you ? Perhaps. But all pitchers are not of the
same size. There is a difference between being invited to drink, and being subjected to the
Torture by Water, as the old tormentors used to call it.
“ A little learning is a dangerous thing ;
Drink deep or taste not the Pierian Spring,” ,
—is an old poetical precept, but it requires judgment in its application—in relation to your
latter-day Pieria at least.
The Modern Mnemosyne. But what am I to do, my dear Punch ?
Mr. Inspector Punch. Distinguish, my dear Madam. Nobody hut an abject noodle, a
rabid reactionist, or a narrow bigot has anything to say against your Fountain, or its free
draughts. Unfortunately, noodles, reactionists, and bigots still abound, and these will be
only too glad to take advantage of aDy mistakes of yonrs in order to defeat your wise purposes,
and disparage your excellent intentions. All the more necessary for you to he careful as
well as zealous, discreet as well as liberal. Your waters, no doubt, are good for all, hut all
uannot drink equally deep of them, and it is cruel folly to attempt to make them. A pint
measure will not hold a quart, and a stupid,
sickly, and half-starved urchin cannot
absorb what may come easy to a bright and
well-fed youngster. The effort to make
him do so is as cruel as the gorging of
Strasbourg geese, and less fruitful of useful
result. In this matter we may learn some-
thing even from the possibly not altogether
Admirable Crichton-Browne.
The Modern Mnemosyne (indignant).
Mine enemy, Mitndella, tells me, and
Fitch makes clear.
Mr. Inspector Punch. Fas est et ah hoste
doceri! My dear Madam, if it is once be-
lieved by the wise and humane, as well
as asserted by the prejudiced, that your
Fountain cannot How freely for the many
without torture or overstrain to the few,
your work will be rendered doubly difficult,
and that beneficent stream of the Modern
Pieria blocked and dammed, if not dried up
entirely. A Fountain is not a Force Pump,
you know, and over-pressure will only end
in a regrettable burst-up. Let all drink
freely, and to their fullest capacity, of
your wholesome and quickening waters.
But all capacities are not the same ; and
if you would beneficently universalise your
draughts, you must rationally—regulate
your doses !
THE ST. PANCRAS RECIPE FOR
CHOLERA.
Take a long, narrowish street, full of
houses (not too new), and cover the pave-
ments before them with Butchers’ Block
Ornaments and the overflows of Green-
grocers’ shops. Having got this foundation,
proceed to deal with the road, which must
be of a material to absorb and retain vege-
table and animal garbage. Sprinkle freely
with harrows containing strong-smelling
comestibles, and allow the trimmings to
accumulate into a semi-liquid mass of de-
caying matter. Now add some stale fish,
and let the whole simmer through an entire
Summer.
While the simmering is going on, divide
the responsibility between two neighbouring
Yestries, in unequal proportions. Having
done this, one of the Yestries will adhere
to two of the houses, while the other will
stir up for a day or two a few slightly
damaged artisans into the seething mass,
without in the least altering its normal
condition.
Having thus obtained your home stock,
all you now require is a little foreign
flavour. Let a germ from Marseilles,
Toulon, or Naples (either of the three will
do equally well) be hut once introduced,
and you will find your dished thorough-
fare an almost inexhaustible centre of the
specialite to obtain which you have striven
so energetically and intelligently.
You may call your street Gfoodge-for-
Nothing Street, or Little Mud-Salad Market,
according to taste.
Advice Gratis.
The following Advertisement appears in
the Daily News :—
WANTED,, OPINION on NOVEL, with
recommendation to Publishers. ^Moderate
terms.
Mr. Punch's advice to this Advertiser is
to bring out the Novel at once at his own
expense, and then he would probably, get
plenty of opinions on it for nothing.
Whether those opinions would chance to he
“ recommendations to Publishers,” or not,
of course would remain to be proved.