DOI Heft:
October 11, 1884
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17757#0176
October 11, 1884.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
169
LETTERS IN THE RECESS.
By Eminent Hands.
III.—ON WORKING OYER-TIME.
Dear Toby,
I have your letter, in which you complain of the almost
unbearable tax on your time by reason of the necessity of making
speeches in the Recess. As you very justly say, the work of Parlia-
ment in these times goes beyond anything known to former genera-
tions. We sit through longer hours, the Session is more extended,
“RrCHARD ’s HIMSELF AGAIN !”
and occasionally we have an Autumn Session. A man is pretty well
fagged out by the end of August; and it’s rather hard on him to
set him off again till the House meets at the end of October, and
regular work comes on.
Your letter is only one of a series that reach me every day. I have
come to dread the appearance of the post-bag. Here ’s one Member
writes “ Haven’t seen my wife and family since the House was up.
Making speeches all over the district. Am worn to a skeleton ; can
get no sleep; when I drop off, begin going through the old grind.
Wake up with a start; think I hear them cheering for Gladstone
or groaning at Salisbury.”
Another writes—“ Haven’t had my clothes off for three weeks.
Travelling all day. Making speeches every night. Private business
going to the dogs. Health undermined. Suffering from loss of
appetite, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, and failure of memory.
If this sort of thing goes on much longer, there ’ll be a vacancy in
my borough.”
This is very hard to bear, and there’s no arguing out of it. Still
the thing must be kept up till the opening of the Session ; and I’ve
got so manv fellows on the sick list, that I can’t spare you, nor any-
one else. What I find in my correspondence is, the common com-
plaint of the necessity of making a new speech at a new place. “If
it was not for those confounded reporters,” is the cry, “ we should
do very well. We could make one speech, and repeat it at the
various places we go to.” But speeches are reported, and terrible
necessity arises of grinding out some new notes on the old tune.
Now, here’s where I can help you with a suggestion. It seems to
me that, when a man really has only one speech to make, it’s no use
his trying to turn it into fourteen, or forty. I don’t go on the stump
much myself. I have made my speech, and there it is. I fancy that
the hours I keep when the House is sitting are sufficiently long to
excuse me. Kensington has to jog around a hit since he’s going to
fight Middlesex, and I ’m expecting every day to hear of Cotes
going on the rampage through Shropshire, stirring them up with his
passionate eloquence, and making the local Tories sit up.
_,But if I were regularly on the stump like you and the rest,
i 11 tell you what I’d do. I’d make a fair start, say—supposing
Lancashire were^ my campaign-ground—at Burnley. 'Then, in due
course, I would go round to Blackburn, Wigan, Staly bridge,
Bolton, and, I suppose, half-a-dozen other places. Say" I have
co speak at Bolton to-night. Yery well. I should open with a
iew remarks of local bearing, expressing my appreciation of the
picturesque situation of the town, the sturdiness of the men, the
beauty of the women, the high personal character of the Chairman,
and so on. Then, early in the speech, there would come a reference
to the Franchise Bill, which I had already dealt with at large at
Burnley. Do I go over it again now? Certainly not. “Gentle-
men,” I would say, “ with respect to the Franchise Bill, as I said at
Burnley-” and then read them the extract. If they were look-
ing at all bored, I should introduce the name of Gladstone. “ With
respect to that great man,” I would observe, “ as I said the other
night at Stalybridge-” and here would come in the passage.
Then there’s Lord Salisbury to be denounced as dragging the House
of Lords to certain ruin. “As to Lord Salisbury,” I would say,
“ I cannot do better than repeat you what I said at Wigan on
Tuesday last.”
Thus you will cover, without difficulty, and with perfect satisfac-
tion to the audience, the greater portion of the ground to be traversed.
In order to avoid prejudice, it would be well always to give one
passage from a speech not yet delivered. Thus, on the general
question of the position of the House of Lords, you would remark,
“ As I intend, if I am spared, to say at Blackburn next week-”
And here comes in a raspmg attack on the Lords, which it would be
well, as being the most toothsome morsel, to save to the last. This
will tickle their palate in two ways. “Ha! ha!” they will say,
“ Blackburn’s a big place, but we ’re ahead of it. Here’s this great
Parliamentary orator giving us a cut off their joint before he serves
it up to them.” You may have to change this last passage at each
place if there are reporters about. But you ’ll see how much you ’ll
save by the m£ans here pointed out. Let me know how the plan
works, as there are one or two other fellows who would like to be
put up to it.
To Toby, M.P., Yours faithfully,
The Kennel, Barks. Richard Grosvenor.
THE THREE CHAMPIONS.
Three Champions went stumping up into the North,
Up into the North, with identical creeds ;
Lord S. took the Clyde, and Sir Stafford the Forth,
While Lord Randolph he posed as a Leader at Leeds.
For if Radicals rant, then Tories ivill fret,
And there’s little to learn, and much to forget,
When our rival Chiefs are spouting.
Three Editors sat in their newspaper towers,
While the “ flimsies ” came pouring in fast as could he ;
And they kindly cut short the rhetorical flowers,
And sighed when the language was “ painful and free ; ”
For if Rads will threaten, then Tories must scold,
Though Europe be angry and ironclads old,
And patriots hate this spouting.
Three crowds of admirers they chortled and cheered,
For the Leaders went up, and their speeches “went down ; ”
And the Editors swear by Lord Beaconsfield’s heard
That the country is with them as well as the Town.
But though Tories and Radicals scream themselves red,
The sooner it’s over, the sooner to bed,
And good-bye to this pestilent spouting!
Approach of the Millennium-the John Bull-Fight!!—
“ Good old times revived.” Tom and Jerry again
Massie and Middings were two pretty men
Till they had “ foughten ” : they weren’t pretty then :
The Peelers faint Middings saw with his one eye,
Massie much damaged, and neither could fly.
An appropriate spot for a pugilistic encounter would he Mill Hill.
The Daily Telegraph was rather hard on the two Professors of the
Noble Art when it observed that Messrs. Massie and Middings
“ might fitly have fought in a cow-house.” Why? Neither was a
coward ! But anyway fisticuffs are better than man-and-dog fights.
The New Rape of the Lock.
[It is said that John Chinaman has determined to stop the supplies of
Mongolian tresses upon which YTig-makers largely depend.]
What, spoil Stagedom’s splendours, and steal Beauty’s glories ?
Oh, out on the almond-eyed, odd pigtailed pigs !
And yet the bad news must bring joy to the Tories :
’Tis but a new fashion of “ dishing the W(h)igs ! ”
Motto' eor the Claimant (to he placed over his looking-glass,
probably provided by a certain Hotel Proprietor, one of Jus chief
supporters).—“ Yva>6i ^ee-Opror.”
169
LETTERS IN THE RECESS.
By Eminent Hands.
III.—ON WORKING OYER-TIME.
Dear Toby,
I have your letter, in which you complain of the almost
unbearable tax on your time by reason of the necessity of making
speeches in the Recess. As you very justly say, the work of Parlia-
ment in these times goes beyond anything known to former genera-
tions. We sit through longer hours, the Session is more extended,
“RrCHARD ’s HIMSELF AGAIN !”
and occasionally we have an Autumn Session. A man is pretty well
fagged out by the end of August; and it’s rather hard on him to
set him off again till the House meets at the end of October, and
regular work comes on.
Your letter is only one of a series that reach me every day. I have
come to dread the appearance of the post-bag. Here ’s one Member
writes “ Haven’t seen my wife and family since the House was up.
Making speeches all over the district. Am worn to a skeleton ; can
get no sleep; when I drop off, begin going through the old grind.
Wake up with a start; think I hear them cheering for Gladstone
or groaning at Salisbury.”
Another writes—“ Haven’t had my clothes off for three weeks.
Travelling all day. Making speeches every night. Private business
going to the dogs. Health undermined. Suffering from loss of
appetite, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, and failure of memory.
If this sort of thing goes on much longer, there ’ll be a vacancy in
my borough.”
This is very hard to bear, and there’s no arguing out of it. Still
the thing must be kept up till the opening of the Session ; and I’ve
got so manv fellows on the sick list, that I can’t spare you, nor any-
one else. What I find in my correspondence is, the common com-
plaint of the necessity of making a new speech at a new place. “If
it was not for those confounded reporters,” is the cry, “ we should
do very well. We could make one speech, and repeat it at the
various places we go to.” But speeches are reported, and terrible
necessity arises of grinding out some new notes on the old tune.
Now, here’s where I can help you with a suggestion. It seems to
me that, when a man really has only one speech to make, it’s no use
his trying to turn it into fourteen, or forty. I don’t go on the stump
much myself. I have made my speech, and there it is. I fancy that
the hours I keep when the House is sitting are sufficiently long to
excuse me. Kensington has to jog around a hit since he’s going to
fight Middlesex, and I ’m expecting every day to hear of Cotes
going on the rampage through Shropshire, stirring them up with his
passionate eloquence, and making the local Tories sit up.
_,But if I were regularly on the stump like you and the rest,
i 11 tell you what I’d do. I’d make a fair start, say—supposing
Lancashire were^ my campaign-ground—at Burnley. 'Then, in due
course, I would go round to Blackburn, Wigan, Staly bridge,
Bolton, and, I suppose, half-a-dozen other places. Say" I have
co speak at Bolton to-night. Yery well. I should open with a
iew remarks of local bearing, expressing my appreciation of the
picturesque situation of the town, the sturdiness of the men, the
beauty of the women, the high personal character of the Chairman,
and so on. Then, early in the speech, there would come a reference
to the Franchise Bill, which I had already dealt with at large at
Burnley. Do I go over it again now? Certainly not. “Gentle-
men,” I would say, “ with respect to the Franchise Bill, as I said at
Burnley-” and then read them the extract. If they were look-
ing at all bored, I should introduce the name of Gladstone. “ With
respect to that great man,” I would observe, “ as I said the other
night at Stalybridge-” and here would come in the passage.
Then there’s Lord Salisbury to be denounced as dragging the House
of Lords to certain ruin. “As to Lord Salisbury,” I would say,
“ I cannot do better than repeat you what I said at Wigan on
Tuesday last.”
Thus you will cover, without difficulty, and with perfect satisfac-
tion to the audience, the greater portion of the ground to be traversed.
In order to avoid prejudice, it would be well always to give one
passage from a speech not yet delivered. Thus, on the general
question of the position of the House of Lords, you would remark,
“ As I intend, if I am spared, to say at Blackburn next week-”
And here comes in a raspmg attack on the Lords, which it would be
well, as being the most toothsome morsel, to save to the last. This
will tickle their palate in two ways. “Ha! ha!” they will say,
“ Blackburn’s a big place, but we ’re ahead of it. Here’s this great
Parliamentary orator giving us a cut off their joint before he serves
it up to them.” You may have to change this last passage at each
place if there are reporters about. But you ’ll see how much you ’ll
save by the m£ans here pointed out. Let me know how the plan
works, as there are one or two other fellows who would like to be
put up to it.
To Toby, M.P., Yours faithfully,
The Kennel, Barks. Richard Grosvenor.
THE THREE CHAMPIONS.
Three Champions went stumping up into the North,
Up into the North, with identical creeds ;
Lord S. took the Clyde, and Sir Stafford the Forth,
While Lord Randolph he posed as a Leader at Leeds.
For if Radicals rant, then Tories ivill fret,
And there’s little to learn, and much to forget,
When our rival Chiefs are spouting.
Three Editors sat in their newspaper towers,
While the “ flimsies ” came pouring in fast as could he ;
And they kindly cut short the rhetorical flowers,
And sighed when the language was “ painful and free ; ”
For if Rads will threaten, then Tories must scold,
Though Europe be angry and ironclads old,
And patriots hate this spouting.
Three crowds of admirers they chortled and cheered,
For the Leaders went up, and their speeches “went down ; ”
And the Editors swear by Lord Beaconsfield’s heard
That the country is with them as well as the Town.
But though Tories and Radicals scream themselves red,
The sooner it’s over, the sooner to bed,
And good-bye to this pestilent spouting!
Approach of the Millennium-the John Bull-Fight!!—
“ Good old times revived.” Tom and Jerry again
Massie and Middings were two pretty men
Till they had “ foughten ” : they weren’t pretty then :
The Peelers faint Middings saw with his one eye,
Massie much damaged, and neither could fly.
An appropriate spot for a pugilistic encounter would he Mill Hill.
The Daily Telegraph was rather hard on the two Professors of the
Noble Art when it observed that Messrs. Massie and Middings
“ might fitly have fought in a cow-house.” Why? Neither was a
coward ! But anyway fisticuffs are better than man-and-dog fights.
The New Rape of the Lock.
[It is said that John Chinaman has determined to stop the supplies of
Mongolian tresses upon which YTig-makers largely depend.]
What, spoil Stagedom’s splendours, and steal Beauty’s glories ?
Oh, out on the almond-eyed, odd pigtailed pigs !
And yet the bad news must bring joy to the Tories :
’Tis but a new fashion of “ dishing the W(h)igs ! ”
Motto' eor the Claimant (to he placed over his looking-glass,
probably provided by a certain Hotel Proprietor, one of Jus chief
supporters).—“ Yva>6i ^ee-Opror.”