Punch: Punch (87.1884)

October 11, 1884.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

179

EARLY ENGLISH.

Mamma (absently, to Dolly, who lias been kicking her Chair). “ Don’t, I SAT
Don’t, Dolly—don’t ! Do you hear me ? Don’t ! ”

Dolly [injured). “ Oh, Mammy, I did Don’t ! ”

N.B.-IMPORTANT ADVERTISEMENT!

WANTED, to conduct the affairs of a First-class Imperial Power, a
thoroughly respectable and experienced Statesman, of sound Liberal
proclivities. Though expected resolutely to maintain and act upon those great
principles with which his public career has always been associated, he will have
to understand that the petty trammels and manoeuvres of party warfare, how-
ever conducive to a permanent lease of political supremacy, will not be accepted
in condonation either of a halting and fragmentary Legislation at home, or
of feeble and knock-kneed patriotism abroad. He will have to possess a concise
and accurate knowledge of contemporary Cabinet History, be well grounded in
Diplomatic Geography, and sufficiently Master of Foreign Language to enable
him to reply vigorously, tersely, and without any fear or hesitation, to any
minatory or insolent remark suddenly addressed to him either in French,
Russian, German, or in any other European tongue whatever.

In expressing himself, he will have on all occasions to bear steadily in mind
that the first duty of the rhetorician is to make himself clear and intelligible,
inasmuch as no splendour of diction, wealth of imagery, or fertility of illustra-
tion can be regarded a3 a substitute for that straightforwardness and perspi-
cuity which alone lend force, weight, and dignity to oratorical utterance. His
knowledge of music should be sufficiently accurate to allow of his taking even a
leading part in any European concert without necessarily playing a false,
jarring, or discordant note ; and though he will never, as any part of his duty,
be called upon to act as a Soloist for the mere purpose of blowing his own
trumpet, he must hold himself prepared, if summoned in case of emergency,
to sound, single-handed, the tocsin for his country. It is desirable that he should
have enough acquaintance with Egyptian hieroglyphics to warrant him in com-
passing the idea of some profitable occupation in the immediate neighbourhood
of the Nile; while his elementary knowledge of naval matters should be
sufficiently developed to prevent him from sinking not only a single ship, but
the entire fleet of his country, for the sake of a ha’porth of Treasury tar. As
the post is one involving considerable responsibility, the most stringent in-
quiries will be made, and unexceptionable references required. Salary liberal.

N.B.—An old and practised public servant, who thinks on due reflection, he
can thoroughly comply with these conditions, much preferred.

Apply, personally, to John Bull, Esq., the Constituencies, Great Britain.

THE RETURN OE THE WANDERER.

I’m back ; though holidays are sweet,

I’m game to vow this minute,

There’s nothing like a London street,

And all the people in it.

For grave or gay, or young or old,

Or sensible or silly.

No panorama is unrolled
Like Park and Piccadilly.

1 ’ve wandered by the Scottish rills,

To court the bracing zephyr,

That blows across the pleasant hills
That rise above Strathpetier.

I’ve visited the Western isles,

Seen Blaavin in its glory,

And watched the sun’s departing smiles *
At Coll and Tobermory.

I’ve heard the bells that Father P.

Declared oft sound so grand on
The pleasant waters of the Lee—

I mean the Bells of Shandon.

Like Prout, when he took Walter Scott,

I’ve kissed the Stone of Blarney,

And paid what tourists call their “ shot,”

At Muckross and Killarney.

I’ve scaled the Alps, I know each place
Those mountain arms environ;

Lake Leman wooed me with the face
That won the heart of Byron.

I've been to Venice, found a home
At Florence, near the Pitti,

And stood beneath Saint Peter’s dome,

In the Eternal City.

I’ve boated on the haunted Rhine,

The theme of many a rhymer ;

I’ve thought Cologne Cathedral fine,

And loved my Rudesheimer.

I’ve visited that dull Madrid,

I’ve danced in gay Vienna,

And found how Teuton belles have rid
Themselves of their duenna.

I’ve been to Athens—do not frown,

0 Scholar, when I’ve stated, * I

The City of the Violet Crown
Is vastly overrated.

I’ve seen the Pyramids, and there
The mummies and the scarabs,

And wondered at the haughty air
Of very dirty Arabs.

I’ve voyaged to the Golden Gate-
See Bret Haste’s stirring stanzas—

Where San Francisco lies in state,

The home of Big Bonanzas.

I’ve viewed the splendour of New York,

The blacks in Carolina,

Been waited on by “ helps ” from Cork,

And pig-tailed sons of China.

I’ve tasted curry in Bombay,

At many a lively “ tiffin,”

And smiled to see the lordly way
Of every English “ griffin.”

I’ve known Calcutta and Madras,

The stately shrines of Brahma,

And seen the dusky natives pass
In endless panorama.

But wheresoe’er, or at what time,

I wandered o’er this planet,

I’m fain to end this wayward rhyme,
Methinks, as I began it.

I’d leave the fairest spots on earth,

All sights and cities undone.

To live, as I have lived from birth,

Amid the roar of London !

Serve Him Right!—The Gentleman who tried to
scrape an acquaintance, has been locked up for an
assault!