Punch: Punch (87.1884)

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302 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [December 27, 1884. J

A SEVERE CRITIC.

A CHANT TOR CHRISTMAS.

At Christmas, in the ancient days,

Right festive was the season,

The Lord of Misrule led the plays,

"With Abbots of Unreason.

And grown-up folks, like girls and boys,
Rejoiced in feast and folly,

With Masks and Mummers made a noise,
Their duty to be jolly.

But now the cynic’s voice is heard
To cry down Christmas greetings ;

He vows they ’re wholly too absurd,
These pleasant Yuletide meetings.

He holds the folk of bygone times
Were only worth our scorning ;

And shudders at the cheerful chimes,
That ring in Christmas morning.

We ’re too wise now, he’d have us know,
To dream of being merry ;

He loathes the sight of mistletoe,

And holly branch and berry.

’Twas very well in olden days,

To see the Yule Log splinter,

But cynics sneer at ancient, ways,

And. hurl contempt at Winter.

They bid us note the empty chair,

And Time’s unfeeling paces,

The ghosts of those who once sat there,
With unforgotten faces.

They ever mourn the past, and weep
For days as dark hereafter,

And all the Christmas that they keep,
Has ne’er a sound of laughter.

Away 'with all this cynic speech,

A churlish heart revealing ;

The Christmas bells can truly teach,

In town and'country pealing.

They usher in all harmless mirth,

We hear from every steeple

The sacred message, “ Peace on Earth—
Goodwill to Christian people! ”

She [innocently), “Landscape! Nature, indeed! Why, it’s no more
like Nature than J am ! ”

TOBY, M.P., REDISTRIBUTED.

Mr. Punch has received at his office the subjoined official commu-
nication addressed to his young friend the Member for Barks.

December, 1884.

Dear Toby,

We are much concerned at dividing your Barkshire, as we
fear that you will hardly wish to sit either for the Newbury,
Abingdon, or Wokingham Divisions ; but we still hope that possibly
we may be able to suggest to the House to create specially for you a
Barking Division of South Essex. Wishing you a Merry Christmas,
We are, &c., &c.,

Overpressure Out of School.—Being sat upon.

something attractive in the last syllable. If, as the Commissioners
suggest, a Barking Division be created in South Essex, he would
timidly throw out a hint that this would be an excellent opportunity
of testing the problem of the payment of Members. It may be right or
it may be wrong. Till it has been tried it would be well to withhold
too confident expression of opinion. The people of the Barking
District would be proud to lead the van of civilisation in this direc-
tion, and would not resent an imposition of twopence in the pound on
their rates in order to test the scheme. Toby, M.P., for his part,
says here again he entirely sets aside personal predilections, and
would not stand in the way of the experiment being fairly tried, say
for a period of five years certain, payment to be made quarterly in
advance.

The Boundary Commissioners for
England and Wales.

To Toby, M.P. for Barkshire.

Toby, M.P., having been consulted on the matter, says it is
perfectly immaterial to him where he is placed, so that he is in a
position to serve his country. He represents, in not exaggerated
form, the average Member of Parliament, who is willing to lavish
money and spend valuable time in attendance upon his Parliamentary
duties, without hope of preferment or profit in any shape. Our
young friend has already been invited to sit for Skye, and for the
Isle of Dogs, but has_ yet arrived at no decision. It will naturally
5 m dissever his connection with the constituency which first
did honour to themselves and him by returning him to what, in
the perorations of our speeches, we call the “British” House of
Commons, as if there were .a selection of them. Besides, all his
colleagues in the representation of the county have announced their
intention offfiot sitting again—of course without foreknowledge that,

U. -^distribution Bill, they would not have an opportunity
of doing so.

. dORY, M.P., leaves himself in the hands of the Boundary Commis-
sioners, the Barkshire Electors, and an enlightened British Public,
ft he sits for any Division of Barkshire. he might express a prefer-
ence lor Wokmgham, there being, even in his regenerate state,

A Christmas Qualification.—There is an Article in the Pall-
Mall Gazette’s Christmas Number, entitled “ After-dinner Conjur-
ing.” The writer has forgotten to impress on his readers that the
success of the After-dinner Conjuring must depend considerably
upon how the After-dinner Conjuror has dined. Should he have
shown himself up to the Two-bottle Trick, his sleight-of-hand
would, be slightly amusing. Fancy a rather muzzy After-dinner
Conjuror trying to do the trick of smashing up a watch in a mortar
before reproducing it safe and sound inside a quartern loaf! On
such an occasion the wobbling Wizard should do the trick with his
own chronometer.

At Clare College, Cambridge, two silver cups were given away to
Commencing Bachelors. One cup is given for “ regularity of conduct
during the year,” but for what sort of regularity and conduct so
significant a prize as a Silver Cup is given, the record does not inform
us. A Commencing Bachelor may have been regularly in his cups
every night, and then this reward would be most appropriate.

Mrs. Rampbotham thinks that Angra Pequena is the name of some
Cough Mixture that Prince Bismarck has been taking.