DOI Heft:
January 3, 1885
DOI Seite / Zitierlink:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17758#0022
12 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [January 3, 1885.
MR. GREENHORN’S EXPERIENCES.
CHRISTMAS BOXES.
I am the fortunate possessor of a very rich Uncle, and for years he
has had the admirable custom of forwarding: me a cheque of very
considerable amount as a Christmas Box. I regret to add that my
admirable Uncle, in addition to the possession of very considerable
wealth, is also the possessor, in a very considerable degree, of what
is generally denominated as humour, a quality in which I am abso-
lutely and entirely deficient, but which I do not at all regret, as it
seems to me to consist very largely in the saying or doing of ill-
natured things which are intelligible only to the select few. As an
example of my rich Uncle’s humour, I may mention, that happening
one day, just before Christmas-time last year, to be in his company,
the conversation turned upon the nuisance and annoyance of the
Christmas Box system prevalent in London, and several of the guests
having spoken strongly and emphatically in denunciation of what
they called the beggarly begging system, I naturally, but thought-
lessly, joined in, and. added my little part to the general chorus. My
Uncle was a silent but evidently amused listener, and said, when we
parted, that my arguments had thoroughly convinced him of the truth
of what had been stated, and he complimented me very warmly on
my persuasive eloquence.
On the 24th of that same December, I received from my wealthy
Uncle, instead of the customary cheque on Coutts’, a basket of game,
which he informed me, having. been all shot by his own unerring
hand, I could probably oblige him by accepting, without any of that
feeling of degradation which I had so eloquently described as
accompanying the receipt of unearned money, under the disguise of
a Christmas Box.
Wondering whether my rich Uncle’s rich vein of humour could
possibly last more than twelve months, I waited with some con-
siderable degree of anxiety the arrival of the 24th of this present
month of December, when, to my intense surprise, I received by rail
a large and exceedingly heavy package, for the carriage of which I
had to pay the sum of 3s. 9d. Having, with some considerable diffi-
culty, opened this Pandora’s Box, as I rather wittily called it, I
discovered, to my extreme disgust, that it contained about a scuttle-
full of coals, of a particularly dull-looking complexion, and a letter
from my wealthy Uncle, informing me that, after the expenditure
of a vast deal of money, he had at length struck coal, of which he
forwarded me the first specimen, and of which he desired to have
my candid opinion.
Recalling to mind the splendid cheque on Coutts’, for which this
coally sample was but a melancholy substitute, I seized a nubbly
piece with the pair of tongs, placed it on my cheerful fire, and
patiently awaited the result. What was my astonishment to see
that, after a gallant attempt by his blazing neighbours to make
him one of themselves, they gradually ceased from the vain en-
deavour, and grew black, and dull, and cheerless as he. Surprised
and disgusted, I seized the black poker, not the polished one, and
proceeded to inflict upon it very severe chastisement; but all in vain
—it calmly resisted my fiercest attack and a second piece, tried as
a last despairing experiment, extinguished my. defeated fire, and
sent me to bed angry and sneezing, and wondering what answer I
could possibly write to my wealthy Uncle that would be at all con-
sistent with truth, and yet not fatal to my natural expectations.
Joseph Greenhorn.
A GERMAN AUTHORITY.
Herr Punch,
Deez Herr Korrezbondent orf ze Times frorm Leipzig vort
a command orph ze arngleesch tong az he ! Zee ow he write an ven
he zend ze letter about deez dynamitard skrondrel an he zay, in ze
Times, December 23 :—
“ Altogether the chance of the prisoners seems much more worse than in
England.”
Ow exbressiv he is! ow much more better is zat exbression than as
you would zay zimply “worse,” or “much worse.” Ach! ve shall
teach you zomtmgs zoon, here and in ze Kolonies, zo! Deese
Christmas is mit your vamilies a zeazon orph blum-budding, zo, I
vish you a very Goot-pie! Vilhelm v. Splutterwessel.
Tyndall and the Fogs.
Great John illuminates the fogs,
That men may so evade ’em:
Most deep of scientific dogs,
I always thought you made ’em!
“ The Observed op all Observers.”—Boxing Day. It “passed
quickly, but was observed by everybody everywhere.
THE : NEW YEAR.
From Various Points of View,
Emperor of G-rm-ny.—Additional tumbles and periodical imperial
meetings.
King of It-ly.—Freedom from Cholera.
Emperor of A-str-a.—Absence of fox-hunting Wife.
The Czar of R-ss-a.—Fresh precautions against Nihilism.
The Prince of W-l-s.—Work and relaxation at high pressure.
The Duke of Ed-nb-rgh.—Command of the Channel Squadron.
The Duke of C-nn-ught.—Permanent address—Horse Guards.
The Duke of C-mbr-dge.—Royal addition to the.Retired List.
Prince Von B-sm-rck.—The German flag in Africa.
General Baron W-ls-l-y.—Stars and Garters.
Ch-n-se G-rd-n.—Rescue.
The Kh-d-ve.—Retire.
The Right Hon. TV. E. Gl-dst-ne.—A seat in the Upper House.
The Rest of the C-b-n-t.—Other seats.
The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.—The Treasury Bench.
Sir St-ff-rd N-rthc-te— Lord Randolph Churchill.
Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll.—Ditto.
Alfred Baron T-nn-s-n.—New play—Cardinal Wulsy (improved
modern spelling of Wolsey).
Lord Mayor N-tt-ge. — Camera obscured until the Ninth of
November.
Mr. TV-Is-n B-rr-tt.—Return of Mr. Henry Irving.
The Rest of the Th-tr-c-l M-n-g-rs.—The opening of the Inven-
tories.
The H-m-n R-ce (in general).—Mr. Punch.
His Supreme Majesty Mr. P-nch (in particular).—Direction of all
mundane affairs as per usual.
A DIFFICULT POST.
Among the extraordinary wants that appear from time to time in the
advertisement columns of the Daily Telegraph, the following appears
to be especially remarkable :—
MATRON WANTED, to have charge of 20 rough girls, in laundry.
Must understand the work. Age about 35. Wages £18 to £25. Must
be total abstainer, high-principled, and able to assert authority.
To take charge of twenty rough girls in a laundry strikes us as
being a very arduous undertaking. Why, these damsels might
smother the Matron in soap-suds, put her head in a blue-bag, dry
her with hot irons, or hang her with her own lines 1 It is all very
well to be high-principled, and to be able to assert authority.
But what is a poor Matron to do with twenty rough girls armed with
clothes-props ? It strikes us very forcibly the good Lady would soon
get into hot water.
NEW YEAR OF.OLD.
(A Duet of Other Days.)
“Around the hearth, in former times,
At wassail with their friends and kin,
Folks waked o’er midnight, while the chimes
Rang Old Year out and New Year in.
It was merry in hall with Knight and Squire,
Where big logs blazed for lack of coal,
And, roasted on a roaring fire,
The crabs were hissing in the bowl.”
“ Crabs roasted P How now! Say’st thou so ?
’Tis told that lobsters, boiling, scream;
An crabs hissed likewise, what a go,
To roast them living it would seem! ”
“Nay, Sirrah, but thou dost misprize
A word in meaning not the true.
Thou art a Wag, or less than wise.
The crabs were crab-apples. Go to ! ”
PARIS TO PRINCE BISMARCK.
Love you, mon Prince ? Oh yes, of course we do;
But—“ distance lends enchantment to the view.”
Change oe Name.—I, Alfred, Baron Tennson, hitherto known as
Tennyson, give notice that, having cut out the “ a ” in the name of
his Eminence Thomas, sometime (in the Twelfth Century) Arch-
bishop of Canterbury, I intend to drop the “y” out of my own
title. Following the precedent set in the nomenclature of my latest
Poem, I drop the “ y ” because I do not know the wherefore. As
witness my hand. Witness, Punch. (Signed) Tennson.
I^p TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.
MR. GREENHORN’S EXPERIENCES.
CHRISTMAS BOXES.
I am the fortunate possessor of a very rich Uncle, and for years he
has had the admirable custom of forwarding: me a cheque of very
considerable amount as a Christmas Box. I regret to add that my
admirable Uncle, in addition to the possession of very considerable
wealth, is also the possessor, in a very considerable degree, of what
is generally denominated as humour, a quality in which I am abso-
lutely and entirely deficient, but which I do not at all regret, as it
seems to me to consist very largely in the saying or doing of ill-
natured things which are intelligible only to the select few. As an
example of my rich Uncle’s humour, I may mention, that happening
one day, just before Christmas-time last year, to be in his company,
the conversation turned upon the nuisance and annoyance of the
Christmas Box system prevalent in London, and several of the guests
having spoken strongly and emphatically in denunciation of what
they called the beggarly begging system, I naturally, but thought-
lessly, joined in, and. added my little part to the general chorus. My
Uncle was a silent but evidently amused listener, and said, when we
parted, that my arguments had thoroughly convinced him of the truth
of what had been stated, and he complimented me very warmly on
my persuasive eloquence.
On the 24th of that same December, I received from my wealthy
Uncle, instead of the customary cheque on Coutts’, a basket of game,
which he informed me, having. been all shot by his own unerring
hand, I could probably oblige him by accepting, without any of that
feeling of degradation which I had so eloquently described as
accompanying the receipt of unearned money, under the disguise of
a Christmas Box.
Wondering whether my rich Uncle’s rich vein of humour could
possibly last more than twelve months, I waited with some con-
siderable degree of anxiety the arrival of the 24th of this present
month of December, when, to my intense surprise, I received by rail
a large and exceedingly heavy package, for the carriage of which I
had to pay the sum of 3s. 9d. Having, with some considerable diffi-
culty, opened this Pandora’s Box, as I rather wittily called it, I
discovered, to my extreme disgust, that it contained about a scuttle-
full of coals, of a particularly dull-looking complexion, and a letter
from my wealthy Uncle, informing me that, after the expenditure
of a vast deal of money, he had at length struck coal, of which he
forwarded me the first specimen, and of which he desired to have
my candid opinion.
Recalling to mind the splendid cheque on Coutts’, for which this
coally sample was but a melancholy substitute, I seized a nubbly
piece with the pair of tongs, placed it on my cheerful fire, and
patiently awaited the result. What was my astonishment to see
that, after a gallant attempt by his blazing neighbours to make
him one of themselves, they gradually ceased from the vain en-
deavour, and grew black, and dull, and cheerless as he. Surprised
and disgusted, I seized the black poker, not the polished one, and
proceeded to inflict upon it very severe chastisement; but all in vain
—it calmly resisted my fiercest attack and a second piece, tried as
a last despairing experiment, extinguished my. defeated fire, and
sent me to bed angry and sneezing, and wondering what answer I
could possibly write to my wealthy Uncle that would be at all con-
sistent with truth, and yet not fatal to my natural expectations.
Joseph Greenhorn.
A GERMAN AUTHORITY.
Herr Punch,
Deez Herr Korrezbondent orf ze Times frorm Leipzig vort
a command orph ze arngleesch tong az he ! Zee ow he write an ven
he zend ze letter about deez dynamitard skrondrel an he zay, in ze
Times, December 23 :—
“ Altogether the chance of the prisoners seems much more worse than in
England.”
Ow exbressiv he is! ow much more better is zat exbression than as
you would zay zimply “worse,” or “much worse.” Ach! ve shall
teach you zomtmgs zoon, here and in ze Kolonies, zo! Deese
Christmas is mit your vamilies a zeazon orph blum-budding, zo, I
vish you a very Goot-pie! Vilhelm v. Splutterwessel.
Tyndall and the Fogs.
Great John illuminates the fogs,
That men may so evade ’em:
Most deep of scientific dogs,
I always thought you made ’em!
“ The Observed op all Observers.”—Boxing Day. It “passed
quickly, but was observed by everybody everywhere.
THE : NEW YEAR.
From Various Points of View,
Emperor of G-rm-ny.—Additional tumbles and periodical imperial
meetings.
King of It-ly.—Freedom from Cholera.
Emperor of A-str-a.—Absence of fox-hunting Wife.
The Czar of R-ss-a.—Fresh precautions against Nihilism.
The Prince of W-l-s.—Work and relaxation at high pressure.
The Duke of Ed-nb-rgh.—Command of the Channel Squadron.
The Duke of C-nn-ught.—Permanent address—Horse Guards.
The Duke of C-mbr-dge.—Royal addition to the.Retired List.
Prince Von B-sm-rck.—The German flag in Africa.
General Baron W-ls-l-y.—Stars and Garters.
Ch-n-se G-rd-n.—Rescue.
The Kh-d-ve.—Retire.
The Right Hon. TV. E. Gl-dst-ne.—A seat in the Upper House.
The Rest of the C-b-n-t.—Other seats.
The Marquis of S-l-sb-ry.—The Treasury Bench.
Sir St-ff-rd N-rthc-te— Lord Randolph Churchill.
Lord R-nd-lph Ch-rch-ll.—Ditto.
Alfred Baron T-nn-s-n.—New play—Cardinal Wulsy (improved
modern spelling of Wolsey).
Lord Mayor N-tt-ge. — Camera obscured until the Ninth of
November.
Mr. TV-Is-n B-rr-tt.—Return of Mr. Henry Irving.
The Rest of the Th-tr-c-l M-n-g-rs.—The opening of the Inven-
tories.
The H-m-n R-ce (in general).—Mr. Punch.
His Supreme Majesty Mr. P-nch (in particular).—Direction of all
mundane affairs as per usual.
A DIFFICULT POST.
Among the extraordinary wants that appear from time to time in the
advertisement columns of the Daily Telegraph, the following appears
to be especially remarkable :—
MATRON WANTED, to have charge of 20 rough girls, in laundry.
Must understand the work. Age about 35. Wages £18 to £25. Must
be total abstainer, high-principled, and able to assert authority.
To take charge of twenty rough girls in a laundry strikes us as
being a very arduous undertaking. Why, these damsels might
smother the Matron in soap-suds, put her head in a blue-bag, dry
her with hot irons, or hang her with her own lines 1 It is all very
well to be high-principled, and to be able to assert authority.
But what is a poor Matron to do with twenty rough girls armed with
clothes-props ? It strikes us very forcibly the good Lady would soon
get into hot water.
NEW YEAR OF.OLD.
(A Duet of Other Days.)
“Around the hearth, in former times,
At wassail with their friends and kin,
Folks waked o’er midnight, while the chimes
Rang Old Year out and New Year in.
It was merry in hall with Knight and Squire,
Where big logs blazed for lack of coal,
And, roasted on a roaring fire,
The crabs were hissing in the bowl.”
“ Crabs roasted P How now! Say’st thou so ?
’Tis told that lobsters, boiling, scream;
An crabs hissed likewise, what a go,
To roast them living it would seem! ”
“Nay, Sirrah, but thou dost misprize
A word in meaning not the true.
Thou art a Wag, or less than wise.
The crabs were crab-apples. Go to ! ”
PARIS TO PRINCE BISMARCK.
Love you, mon Prince ? Oh yes, of course we do;
But—“ distance lends enchantment to the view.”
Change oe Name.—I, Alfred, Baron Tennson, hitherto known as
Tennyson, give notice that, having cut out the “ a ” in the name of
his Eminence Thomas, sometime (in the Twelfth Century) Arch-
bishop of Canterbury, I intend to drop the “y” out of my own
title. Following the precedent set in the nomenclature of my latest
Poem, I drop the “ y ” because I do not know the wherefore. As
witness my hand. Witness, Punch. (Signed) Tennson.
I^p TO CORRESPONDENTS.—In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.