Punch (88.1885)

January 17, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

25

THE MANHOOD OF GREAT BOYS.

III.—The Statesman.

Even among; Boys, "William Plyant was remarkable for the
fertility and ingenuity of his apologies and excuses. If late for
dinner, or chapel, he never contented himself with the frivolous and
outworn allegation that he had accidentally thrust his right-hand
foot into his left-hand shoe, and had been unable to extricate it in
time. He would observe, on the contrary, with deep and engaging
penitence, that he had become so absorbed in the delightful argu-
ments of a Euclid, or in the masterly intricacies of the Greek irregu-
lar verb, that the hour for refreshment or devotion had stolen by
unobserved. His masters were so greatly impressed at once with
the. dialectical ingenuity of "William, and with the eloquence in
which he clothed his thoughts, that they frequently requested him
to remain after the other lads had gone to play, and in solitary,
and even laborious interviews, devoted themselves to cultivating
William’s sense of rectitude.

At home it was the same thing. “ William, did you break that
WlnmW V hi3 Father would inquire, bluntly; and William
would, with patient subtlety, reply (in the very words of an eminent
writer) that “there are people in the world who are very fond of
asking what they call point-blank questions. They profess to hate
all shilly-shallying, and they are at no pains to hide their suspicion
that any one who declines to say Yes or No to any question which
they choose to ask, has either his intellect clouded by Metaphysics,
or has not the courage of his opinions.” William would then go on
to remark that breaking a window was not such a simple matter as, on
a superficial view, it appeared. A stone broke the window—he was
not a stone. Was, then, the actual or the impelling agency to be
regarded as the proximate or the efficient cause of the domestic
disaster ? Again, he urged, there was the question of the direction of
the intention. He had intended-” but here his Father seized Wil-

liam, and (in spite of his clamouring that “ Force was no Remedy”)
proceeded to correct him with the library ruler, which happened to be
handy. Thus eminent as a Boy, William naturally looked forward
to distinction in political life. Nor was he disappointed. William
soon became indispensable to his Party. Night after night did his
opponents ask William ill-natured questions, all of which he
answered at the greatest length, and in language of extreme pro-
priety, and rhythmical structure. His clumsy adversaries, indeed,
complained that, when William at length sat down, they were no
better informed than they had been when he arose. Yet so remark-
able was his art that, whenever William had to make a speech, the
House. was crowded. Everyone listened with all his ears, adversaries
were infuriated, friends cheered to the echo, hut the extraordinary
thing was that, in the morning, no mortal could ever tell what it all
meant, or what William really intended. Thus the qualities which
had attracted persecution, ignominy, canings, fifth-form lickings,
and other accidents to William in his boyhood, became of the
utmost value to him as a Statesman.

Finally, however, his country was involved in foreign affairs of
peculiar difficulty. William occupied the Antarctic Regions with
a force of thirty Marines, and allotted to his country the interest on
the Polar debt. Immediately all the Foreign Powers, including
Bolivia and Yenezuela, sent letters to William, asking him what the
dickens he meant by his conduct, and whether he intended to annex,
administer, or evacuate the Antarctic Circle? To those missives
William replied, for several years, in his usual courteous manner,
but with the unfortunate effect of driving all the nations of the
world, including Zanzibar, quite mad, and into an offensive alliance
against his country. Wtlliam, therefore, crowned with honours,
withdrew from affairs, and devoted his leisure to deciphering Jebusite
inscriptions. These remarkable relics of antiquity resemble an ill-
advised attempt to draw tables and chairs, and, as only two syllables
of the Jebusite language are known (and these incorrectly) the topic
afforded ample scope for William’s undeniable ingenuity. He has
n°w translated the Inscriptions in twelve totally different ways,
and, having sufficiently contributed to the elucidation of politics,
means to publish his discoveries, one of which, out of the twelve, he
thinks is nearly certain to be regarded as, at least, approximately
Plausible. We thus learn that qualities which, in Youth, are often
discouraged, may lead to the highest political and philological emi-
nence in maturer years.

IV.—The Meechant.

At school, Gorgius Midas, though, in some ways, a service-
was not a popular boy. He was very greedy, but chiefly
satisfied his love of good things by violently appropriating the
dampers of his juniors in the Lower Fourth, for he never rose above
ifiatinsignificant degree of scholasticpromotion. YetGoRGius wasuse-
ful, “r, when all the other boys had spent their money, he always
naq plenty left. Some of his funds he would lend, at various rates
S. i^rest, thus half -a-crown disembursed in the middle of term,
dad to be repaid, with the accrued interest of half-a-sovereign, at
ide end of the holidays. Some clever, but unscrupulous boys, also

A Genuine “Old Master,” not
Burlington House Exhibition.

found Gorgius convenient, for he promised to pay them money to
do his exercises for him. It is true that Gorgius never kept his
word, and, as his system was detected, he was rather ignominiously
removed from school, quite as ignorant as when he first went thither.

When he became a Man, Goegius continued to act on the same
system. Knowledge and clever people he despised; but he lent
money, and he bought up, for small sums, various patent Inventions
of Thomas Treadwell, and other ingenious characters. Some of
these proved successful and remunerative. Their originators died m
poverty, and in Lunatic Asylums; while Gorgius, having built a
twenty-storey Palace in Park Lane, having rented Moors and Forests
in Scotland, the country-house of a pauper Duke in England, possess-
ing, too, a fleet of Steam-yachts, luxuriously appointed, is now justly
regarded as one of the most illustrious of our Merchant Princes.

HINTS ON PARLIAMENTARY DEPORTMENT.

(By Professor Turveydrop Toly, M.P.)

First get into Parliament. In the new order of things, that will
not be so difficult as formerly. Never was any need to be excep-
tionally clever; no need now to
be particularly rich. Parnellites
hope to settle this last difficulty
by securing weekly wages. Must
live, they say. No money, no
rows in Parliament. Different as
yet with Members for Great
Britain; but time may come.
No one can say what new Parlia-
ment may not do.

Necessary when you present
yourself before Constituency to
declare your politics. Safest
thing is to ascertain the politics
of majority of Electors and
enthusiastically adopt them. At
same time edge on the indepen-
dent line. Say you are for
Gladstone or Salisbury, as the
case may be, but that you are
the kind of man who would not
for any consideration vote for
what you did not at the bottom
of your heart feel would be for the benefit of the Empire at large
(Empire’s a good word to bring in), and of the Constituency in par-
ticular. In the House of Commons, as will be shown in its proper
place, the role of the Independent Member, skilfully played, most
surely leads to fortune.

Other things being equal, don’t choose a Constituency with a new-
fangled name. The Member for St. George’s-in-the-East or the
Member for St. George’s, Hanover Square, can never hope to make a
position in the House. Nor can the Member for the Strand, who
irresistibly suggests a ’busman. By preference come in for a Con-
stituency with one of the old familiar names. Members for these
will be no better and no worse than the rest, but they are sure to put
on airs, and to look down upon the Members for newly-named
Constituencies much as a Peer, whose Barony is a hundred years old,
looks down upon Mr. Gladstone’s new creations.

When you are actually returned to Parliament you must mind your
eye. You may do all kinds of things there, irregular, and even dis-
orderly ; but take care how you do them. You must never, however
sudden and sharp may be the temptation, enter the House by making
a 1 ‘ cartwheel ” up the floor. It is forbidden to smoke in the House,
and there is no accommodation in connection with the benches for
jugs and glasses. If you want to drink, you must get up and make a
speech, when you may drink whatever you can pay for. Rum punch
hot is discouraged on the ground of the odour it diffuses.

If you want to say anything disagreeable about a Member on either
side, you may do so without fear of consequences. There is no limit
to this privilege. If in any other Assembly you were, for example,
to accuse a gentleman of having wilfully brought about the hanging
of an innocent man, you would probably find yourself in an uncom-
fortable position. In the House of Commons you may do. this, or
worse, without danger. The Speaker will interfere, will stigmatise
the words as unparliamentary, and will direct you to withdraw them.
Of course you withdraw at once, for the thing is done. You have
said the words, and there they are. The interposition of the Speaker
is even an additional advantage. It pointedly calls attention to the
insult. It brings about what is called “a scene,” and a scene is
always reported verbatim in the newspapers. This privilege of safely
libelling people you don’t like, whether in or out of the House, is, ot
itself, worth all the trouble of getting into Parliament, and. will
incite the intelligent Candidate to renewed exertions in canvassing.

Sufficient for the week are the hints thereof. When these are
digested, there may be a replenishment.

T°L. Lxxxvm.

D