Punch (88.1885)

June 27, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 301

THROUGH THE MAGNIFIER.

“ In Sarum’s Court Tom Thumb did live,—

A Man of mickle might,—

The best of all the Table Round,

And eke a doughty Knight.

His Stature but an Inch in Height,

Or Quarter of a Span,

Then think you not this little Knight
Was proved a valiant Man?”

History of Tom Thumb in Great Britain.

ROBERT AT VIRGINIA WATER.

What a world, this is becuming for serprises I Wen one has to go
down to Werginny water to hopen a Horsepital, as is bin removed
from Holloway becos it’s healthier, wun natrally expex to see a
Horsepital. So wen I got down in good time, afore the Swells come,
I had a good look round.; and I may trewly say as I had to go and
look in the looking-glasses every now and then, like a werry middle-
aged Bride does, jest to see as I was quite awake. Horsepital P No,
Pallis! and such a Pallis! Buckenham ain’t within a mile of it.
Such a Dining Room, for instance, as would amost tempt you to stop
there heating for ours, as some of the (Jests did too, one speshally,
who I kept on a serving with anythink as I appened to have, as
noboddy else wanted. Nothink come amiss to him. What a welcom
Gest he wood be at a Shilling Ordnary !

The great Hall too, where the speeches was made was a perfect
jam, as I herd a werry stout lady say, and all the passages and
rooms was full of the most butiful picturs, and all most kindly put
there by the generous gentleman who built it all, so as to briten up
the sad lives of the poor Patients. Patients indeed, poor creturs,
they must want plenty of it. About four o’clock who should drive
up in a open wagonett and ony 2 horses but the poplar Prince of
Wales and the butiful Princess of Wales and her children, and the
jolly-looking Dook of Cambridge a setting on the Box! Fansy a
Royal Dook and a Feeld Marshal a setting on a box insted of on his
Charger I But he reckarlected me directly, and aoshally said, “ You
here, Mr. Robert ? ” How eye breeding shows itself in the lowest
things. “Mr. Robert” cost his royal ighness no trubble, hut it
sent a pang of prowd sattisfaeshun rite through my grateful art.
We had a most distingwisht eompenny, but I mist the Lord Mare
and SherryfEs. Their skarlet Robes and golden chanes wood have
lighted up the hole plaice, and 1 ’m not sure as I likes to see Princes
and Princesses in sitch werry plane costooms, it’s jest a leetle trying
to trew loyalty.

Noboddy need dout the xtreme helthyness of the place, for drectly
the royal pussouages and their sweets was gone, the hole of the
1,500 gests seemed to he suddenly seezed with the werry keenest
pangs of hunger, and rushed into the warious dining-rooms as if
they would carry all afore them. But us waiters was trew to our-

selves and our brave leader, and hunder the carm and collected
direction of Mr. Trundle we stemmed the hungry torrent of the
press gang and let ’em in by fits and starts, ’till their remarkably
fine appytites was fully satihated. I did hear the amount of
Champain as was drunk, but my natral modesty forbids me
menshuning the dellicate subject, hut I hear my willing testimoney
to its remarkably fine quolity. There is always a exseption to all
rules, so I bolds hup to the respect of mankind the reel gentleman
who was content with one glass of Champain and a pluwer’s begg 1

I think I never see so many butiful women, and a reel plezzur it
was to wate on em. Mr. Mack Colourem, the Hartist, and his
hansum wife was there, and wen I gave him a lovely basket of
strawberrys, I took the libberty of saying that I thort as they was
nice enuff for him to paint, when she took one up with her little
delyeate fingers, and sed, “no Art could improve ’em, but praps a
little creem might.” One of my pore Bretheren made quite a dred-
fool mistake when trying. to show a kindness to a sillybrated Tea-
totalling Hem Pea, of Citty credit and renown. It apears as he
arsked for a glass of Ginger Beer, or sum such exhilratin drink,
and the Waiter took him all across the Grounds to a big Tent, witch
was kep for sitch things, but there wasn’t nothing there but Cham-
pane Cup; and the grate man was in sitch a rage as he amost swore,
and sed as he’d have him reported.

Ah, it’s a grate pitty as these temperance. Gents ain’t jest a leetle
more temprancer in their tempers, and a little less temprancer in
their drinks. If so, I don’t think as it ’ud he much the wusser for
not noboddy. He needn’t ha bin afraid of the Champain Cup.
A hole pint of it woodn’t ha made his pore head ake. I think I ort
to know, if anybody ort. I managed to git away by the Special
Express Train, and ardly expecs to be beleived when I says as we
did the twenty miles home summet under too hours. Robert.

THE BRITON’S BEER SONG.

(Latest Version.)

“"We must express our decided preference for increasing the taxation on
beer and spirits as compared with that on tea. The present taxation of beer
is not enough to hinder the consumption of an amount of it altogether in
excess of the physiological or dietetic requirement of the body. It stiffens
the joints and besotB the intellects of the labouring classes.”—The Lancet.

Oh, what’s a poor man without muscle and brain ?

(That moral the Lancet most pnngently points),

So lots of cheap beer must to labour be gain,

For it muddles its mind and it stiffens its joints 1
So tax what you like, Gents, tax sugar, tax tea,

But see that the Working-man’s “lush” is not dear!

And turn out the Statesman, whoever he be,

Who’d rob the poor man of cheap beer !

“ The Real Shelley.”—The oyster, the mussel, the whelk, the
lobster, the crawfish, the scallop, the cockle, the winkle, the nut,
the egg, the snail.

ROYAL ACADEMICIANS.

Arrayed by Dumb-Crambo Junior.

Pet-tie.

Armstead.

VOT. LXSXVTTT,

D D