Punch (88.1885)

April 25, 1885.] PUNCH, OB. THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

my first appearance in a diabolical character.

Please, Sir,” said my admirable and excellent. Clerk, “Mr.
Hlackstone Smith’s compliments, and as he is obliged to go on
Circuit, will you kindly look after Hare versus Lambkin for him ?”

1 was more than gratified. This was the first time anyone had
sufficiently appreciated my talent to entrust me (in a representative
character) with a Brief. It was a grand opening. I felt that once
at \footin" even as the “devil” of another, my fortune was made.
My cheeks flushed with pleasure, and I determined to conduct my
case so admirably that my friend should never regret the confidence,
““C great confidence, he had reposed in me.

My first care was to exercise myself in oratory. Curious to say,
that although enjoying, as I have hinted, a not unsatisfactory
prantme, I had never yet addressed either a Judge or Jury. I thought
a': U j . rehearsing my eloquence in the presence of my excellent
and. admirable Clerk, but as that estimable individual has a more
ttmn usually keen sense of the ridiculous, I abandoned the intention
m iavour of another audience.

ev. ^ivifi011! to which I have alluded on more than one occasion
as tne Court of my Hearth and Home, I had frequently been called

The Court of Hearth and Home (Nursery Division).

upon for a defence-I determined ^^^^^clmr^ed^oa^tumi
account. Thus, on the next. 9c®asl°5:p.pn0e” in forgetting to bn
from my Chambers at, 7.30, with neg g ta^en to convey home
hack the current day s dinner (I tad u ■ .^ree p0UDds of.Stc

my brief-hag some salmon, a chicken, pmnanneling my infa
sausages), I hastily assumed an ^^^^Soned accents as t
sons as a jury, addressed their mother in ™ ttat the fami

judge. Tor a moment so strong was my lmaginati ’ti.e Hi^h Cou
entirely disappeared, giving place to a DjTOion. ^ 0f my eldi
It was only upon Justy (an abbreviation for the R hein" imir
son Justinian) beginning to giggle, and co^s®^Ld^nbtr.t'or-dini
diatelv sentenced to three days seclusion on a no-pua
diet, that I was recalled to myself. I here P

strict in extorting respect from my children 1 am b ° SUpr
my sons as Solicitors, so that in the days to come they - Q
me with additions to my practice. This is so ■well undelete
amongst them, that it has long been the ambition o ‘

young lives to “ give dear Papa his Maiden Brief.’ After WV
appearance in the Court of my Hearth and Home wa. .

occurrence. Although I regret to say that my Wife r

preside, on the score that it was “ so silly.’ .

It was well that I had made these Fe£aTpV° v Undedlo i
memorable morning my excellent and admirable Clerk “a? ,
a paper, endorsed with the name of my absent friend and in ■
him to move at once for the appointment of a
yersns Lambkin. As representative of BlacxstoneSmith,,
a deportment suggestive of dignity and responsibility,.and R‘
to the Robin g Room, near Carey Street. It was one of the Pr0_J* *
moments of my life when I assumed my wig, hands, ana g
conscious that, instead of the morning paper, encased in •
Bheet of foolscap, I was going to caTry into Court a real brie> .
passed through the oorridors, it struck me that many
me with respectful apprehension as if they recognised in my g
determined person a rapidly arriving rival for forensic honours.

Passing by the doorkeeper of the Court, with a confidencet
hitter enemy might have described as swagger, I found ™YB
the presenoe of the Division. My heart went out proudly t
entire Bar, and in his Lordship on the Benoh I recognised^on
whom I was about to enter into a closer pTolessional relation ^
It was at this point that I looked round to meet mY.
gentleman who was going to instruct me. I was a lutl

pointed to discover that the head of the firm, instead of coming him-
self, had sent a legal phenomenon in the shape of an extremely
junior Clerk, of very tender years, to represent him. However, this
learned boy soon convinced me that, in spite of his budding youth,
his knowledge of the intricacies of the profession with which he was
connected was infinitely greater than I could boast; that, in fact, to
put it colloquially, he had more law in his little finger than I pos-
sessed in my whole body.

Soon after making this rather embarrassing discovery, I was
accosted by the Counsel on the other side with a view to a com-
promise. Up to this moment I (representing the Plaintiff) had
considered my conduct irreproachable—that I certainly could have
insisted upon being received by the most censorious as the pattern of
all the virtues. To my intense surprise, after listening to my oppo-
nent’s arguments, I found myself (again in my representative
capacity) admitting all my faults, and willing to make any possible
compromise. I appealed to the legal phenomenon for instructions,
when the learned hoy sternly reminded me that I (as representing
the Plaintiff) was the most, injured of persons, and that any sur-
render was out of the question.

“ Well, then,” said my opposing friend, the Counsel on the other
side, “ all we can do is to go in and fight it out. If we don’t, they
will pass us in the list.”

With this he left the corridor in which we had been holding our
consultation, and entered the Court. I was about to follow him,
when I was stopped by a barrister-friend of mine, who (strange
to say) seemed amazed to see me holding a brief. To impress upon
bis mind that it was genuine, and not a dummy, I thought it advis-
able to give him a short sketch of the case. After my narrative had
consumed some ten minutes, it suddenly occurred to me that the
Court might he waiting to hear me move. I looked round for the

legal phenomenon, the learned lad-he had vanished ! I hurried

into Court, and took my place in the Barrister’s seats.

“ Have they come to Hare versus Lambkin ? ” I whispered to a
young Barrister, who was busily engaged in sketching a fancy
portrait of the Mahdi upon a piece of blotting-paper.

“ Must have,” he replied. “ They are in the middle of the Divorce
Motions.”

Got into the middle of the Divorce Motions! Oh horror! I had
been passed over!

“What shall I do P ” I asked, in deep distress, as the fact in all its
naked, hideousness beoame clearer and clearer. Had I not been
restrained by etiquette, I should have wept like a child !

“ Better address the Court the moment the next motion is disposed
of,” replied the.artistic Barrister. “ Perhaps you will get it restored.”

Following this advice, I rose to my feet with desperate courage.
Then it was that I felt that my knees were made on the self-folding-
up principle, and that my voice, after shouting out in stentorian
tones, “My Lord! ” to the astonishment of all beholders, had assumed
the character of a husky and chronic whisper.

My unearthly howl (which surprised me as much as anyone else in
Court) caused a deathly silence to prevail. His Lordship, at first a
little startled, turned to me courteously and bowed, as if inviting
any further communication I might wish to make to him. My
knees gave way more than ever, and I became cold and hot by turns,
then in the second stage of my voice—the unearthly husky whisper—
I gasped out—

“ Mv Lord, may it please your Lordship, the fact is, my Lord-”

At this moment I stopped for very shame, for I could not help
feeling that this insistance upon the Judge’s official title (which
seemed to be caused by some power over which I had no control) was
absolutely abject in its fawning meanness.

The Judge good-naturedly bowed, and waited for more. I opened
my mouth, but could not make it speak.

“May it please your Lordship,” I heard a cheery voice say,
speaking rapidly in crisp, clear, and self-assertive syllables, “ hut I
think my friend is labouring under a mistake. He was kind enough
to say that he would appear for me to make a motion, that your
Lordship has already disposed of, were I absent. I, however, got
back in time to appear myself, and until this moment, had no means
of communicating with him.”

It was too true; Blacxstone Smith had suddenly returned, and
my chance of distinguishing myself as his “ devil ” had vanished for
ever! A. Briefless, Jcnior.

Singular Synonyms.—By accounts from Aix-les-Bains,. .Her
Majesty one day honoured the Hon. Lady Whatley “ by a visit at
Maison Bellevue (Maison du Diable).” If Maison du Diable is also
Bellevue, Pandemonium must have presented the Royal party with
a pretty sight. __

The Bears’ Little Game.—In the hope as well as the expecta-
tion of a great war, the Bear speculators were recently, as the Stock-
jobbers on the Bourse say, “ playing for the baisee.” Just like their
baseness.

yol. ttxxvm.

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