Punch (88.1885)

86

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [February 21, 1885.

THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID.

“How do you do, Major Mortimer? You don’t remember me !”—“Oh yes, indeed I do !—Mrs. Kennedy!
“Ah, that’s only because you see me with Mr. Kennedy !”—“Oh no, not at all!'1

VERY CIVIL LAW.

In' the Court of Appeal last week several cases in the list had to'be
dismissed with costs, struck out, or put the last on the paper,
because the Counsel engaged in them “were actually speaking in
other parts of the building.” In one instance Mr. Bards well, who
appeared for the Respondent, saying that he “desired to assist
Mr. Buckley, who represented the Appellant, so far as he properly
could,’[offered to read a will to fill up the time, while his learned
friend in another place was polishing off the matter he had then in
hand. The Lords Justices Baggallay and. Bowen did their best to
fall in with the arrangement—the latter expressing great anxiety to
do “what is kind to Counsel.” As no doubt other instances will
occur when Counsel will he unable to be in two places at the same
time, the following dramatic sketch of what should happen under
such circumstances may be useful as a precedent:—

Scene—The Court of Appeal. Present—Three Lords Justices more
or less asleep. Usual Sprinkling of Bar. Empty Gallery.
“ Smith versus Snooks ’’ called. Only Mr. Whigblock appears,
and answers for the Respondent.

Senior Lord Justice. Dear me, and we are at the end of the paper!
Who is against you, Mr. Whigblock ?

Mr. Whigblock. Mr. Horatio Twaddle, my Lord. I believe
my friend is actually at this moment speaking in another Court.

S. L. J. Do you think he will be very long ?

Mr. W. (looking round, and seeing that the Reporters are “safe ”).
No, my Lord. I believe he is arguing a matter in which some
hundred of thousands of pounds are at stake.

S. L. J. Dear me, that sounds like a lengthy proceeding.

Mr. W. [smiling). Yes, my Lord; but as I understand that my
friend’s brief was only delivered last night, I fancy it is one of those
cases in which a Counsel goes into Court “ to hear all about it.”

S. L. J. Ah! I see. Just so ! Well, we must fill up the time.

Mr. W. My case has some slight connection with patents. Perhaps
your Lordships would be pleased to hear me upon the history of
patents from the earliest period up to the present day ?

S. L. J. (hurriedly). Nothing would give me more unalloyed
pleasure ; but I would not trouble you for worlds.

ASecond and Third L. J.T. [in a breath). We heartily concur.

Mr. W. (hurt). I have nothing more to say. (Sulks.)

',iS. L. J. Come, come, Mr. Wtiigbloce, surely we can fill up the
time in some other manner. Is Mr. Briefless with you in this
case? (The rising young Junior of fifty blushes, and smilingly
boivs.) If I remember rightly, I fancy Mr. Briefless, at the Circuit-
Mess, years ago, you used to have something to tell us about “the
Three Jolly Post-boys of Tooting Common.” (Laughter.) Perhaps
Mr. Briefless will once more repeat his recollections of those excel-
lent and eminent persons. (Renewed laughter.)

(Old-fashioned Comic Song—Mr. Briefless.)

Mr. W. (annoyed at being cut out by his Junior). I had no idea
your Lordships would accept such evidence.

S. L. J. We must give ourselves a little latitude, so as to do all
that we can to be kind to Counsel. But we shall be glad to hear
you on any matter, Mr. Whigblock, that you think will interest us.

Mr. W. (with some diffidence). May it please your Lordships, I
have had some experience in Amateur Conjuring, and during the
song of my friend, who is associated with me in this case, I have
sent for some of my best tricks. (Taking purple bag from his
Clerk's hand.) They are here.

S. L. J. We shall be delighted to see them.

Second and Third L. JJ. (in a breath). We heartily concur.

(Grand Conjtiring Entertainment—Mr. Whigblock— including “ The
Magic. Brief," “ The Peculiar Bands," “ The Invisible Six-
and-Eightpence,” and “ The Inexhaustible Retainer."

Mr. Horatio Twaddle (who has been heartily applauding his
Opponent's performances, rising at the end of the Programme.) I
appear, my Lords, for the Appellant in “ Smith v. Snooks."

S. L. J. Oh, very well—then we will take the case.

\_The matter is argued. Curtain.

“ Requires Confirmation.”—Send for a Bishop.