Punch (88.1885)

124

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED PROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, March 2.—House met to-
day, as if nothing particular had happened on Saturday morning.
Strange to say, Government, with a nominal majority of 14, and
an actual majority of 58, on Yote of Censure, not going to resign!
Gladstone’s seat on Treasury Bench vacant. Hartington presently
rises to explain that the Premier is indisposed; whereat Warton
cheers, and is promptly rolled over, amid howls of disgust from
Liberals.

“"Why should they howl at Warton?” Labby asks. “I think
his cheer was creditable to him. He has the courage, or the insensi-
bility, to give open expression to feelings you hear privately uttered
whenever two or three Tories meet together. Warton should be
encouraged, instead of being put down.”

Henry the Tyler more than ever coming to the front on Foreign
Affairs. Coolness growing between him and Ashmead Bartlett.

“Why doesn’t he mind his Railways,” says A. B., snappishly.
“ Canada is quite sufficient of a foreign country for him. Here I ’ve
been looking after this Government for four years in Afghanistan,
in South Africa, in Egypt, and. lately in New Guinea; and now
Tyler’s going to set up in opposition.”

Tyler not to be denied; has been telegraphing to Suakim to
inquire about the fate of Kassala. “ Would Italian interference be
of any use ? ” he added, as if, Dilke says, he held Italy in the palm
of his hand, and could dispose of her military and naval forces.
House not yet quite used to Tyler in this new character; clings with
affectionate regard to older claims of Ashmead Bartlett. But Tyler
evidently means business, and the Universe has a fresh protector.

After storm of questions, Lubbock opened up Proportional Repre-
sentation, with Courtney to follow. Whereupon pressing business
called Members elsewhere. Towards midnight, Motion for Adjourn-
ment. Broadhurst angrily declared that he was “not going to be
induced to stay here till all the respectable publichouses in London
were closed.” But bar’s open in the Lobby till the House rises, and
Broadhurst needn’t have been so petulant.

Business done.—Royal Messages on Reserves and Militia agreed to.

Tuesday.—Warton rises to explain. It seems that his cheer
yesterday has been “misunderstood.” From the “malicious com-
ments of a partizan Press,” he gathers that it was accepted as sign of
satisfaction at illness of Premier. Warton says it was not so, but
discreetly refrains from explaining what it did mean.

House crowded in anticipation of engagement between Parnellites
and Speaker. Rowland Winn got his forty men in hand to back

up Parnellites, if necessary, in obtaining leave to move Adjournment.
But Speaker spoiled little game. Ruled it out of order, and made
way for business. This turned out to he, once more, Proportional
Representation, introduced by Professor Courtney, and ably seconded
by Professor Lubbock. Entertainment rather a failure. Courtney’s
most lucid explanation disturbed by row at door. Several people

[March 14, 1885.

insisting upon having their money back. Strangers in Gallery went
out to think the matter over in retirement. So did majority of
Members. Gladstone, who came back to-night looking wan and
weary, sat it out with chin resting on stick. On the whole, a
pleasant, instructive evening. Hear we ’re to have series of them.
Next is arranged for with the Gentleman who has come over from
the other side with particulars of new American Whist. Means to
explain this on Motion to go into Committee of Supply. Harcourt
back to-night, after brief visit to the country. “Then you’ve not
resigned ? ” I said, coming up behind him, and playfully giving a
sudden bark. Harcourt jumped to other side of the Corridor.

“Don’t do that, Toby,” he said, querulously. “It’s humorous,
but out of place. If you had my berth for a day, you’d know what
it is to have your nerves unstrung. Never open my letters in the
morning without finding warning, ‘Prepare for deth.’ Have quite
a collection of sketches of coffins, mysterious parcels delivered at my
house containing all kinds of things, from the bodies of unburied
babes to _ cases containing infernal machines, which turn out to he
only portions of broken works of watches. I’m sick to death of sight
of policemen, whether in uniform or plain clothes. The shadow of a
policeman follows me everywhere, and yet I can’t dispense with the
reality. Indeed I want more. I start at my own shadow, and
suspect the designs of the street-boy who offers me matches two boxes
a penny. I daresay, if I bought them, they’d explode in my pocket.
Wish I was Robinson Crusoe. But then 1 ’d want Scotland Yard to
shadow Friday. Went down to the Forest on Saturday, but
couldn’t stand threatening look of the tree-branches. Come back to
town, and you frighten life out of me with your inconsiderate joking.
I’m not the man I was, Toby. But as for resigning, they won’t
let me.” A. tear.stole down his manly cheek. It recalled him to a
sense of his official position. He had it immediately arrested, and
went his way, furtively looking round to see if he was followed.

Bradlaugh back to-night after long absence. Labby went and
sat near him under Gallery. Heads so close together seemed to be
embracing.

“ Peace and Truth have kissed each other,” said Jimmy Lowtheb,
regarding with dim eyes the affecting scene.

Business done.—Debate on Seats Bill.

Thursday.—Honours of Sitting divided between Sir F. Milner
and that noted connoisseur and patron of Fine Arts, Le Chevalier
Joseph Gillis Biqgar. Sir Frederick does not often speak.

“ Curious similitude to a lady namesake in a certain trial,” says
Solicitor-General, fresh from Probate Court. “Politically shy.
Rarely goes beyond 1 Yes ’ or ‘ No ’ in debate.”

One subject unseals Sir Frederick’s lips. Doesn’t exactly make
him voluble, but he becomes articulate. That is Chamberlain, and
the affidavits of the lamented Larry Mack.

“Give me,” says Sir Frederick in moment of confidence, “a
couple of days to think it over, a quiet room, a good quill, and plenty
of paper, and I ’ll draw you up, in form of question, a stunner for
Chamberlain. Don’t hurry me. That’s all I ask.”

More than a fortnight since Milner _ last spoke on this subject.
By dint of taking regular exercise, going to bed early, getting up
late, powerfully concentrating his mind on the subject, has worked
himself up to pitch of producing another “ stunner.” Chamberlain
disposes of it with affected lightness. But Sir Frederick knows the
dart has gone home. Elated with success, he half rises to retort on
Chamberlain. But it doesn’t do to flog a willing horse. Almost
had something to say, but not quite, so sat down again ; and, whilst
questions proceeded through another hour, drew up fresh “ stunner.”
Didn’t go off very well. Speaker rather sat on it. But Sir Frede-
rick not disheartened.

“I’ll take a rest now,” he says. “Won’t think anymore till
Monday. Daresay in a fortnight or so shall have worked out another
question.”

As for Joseph Gillis, what moved him was proposal to yote
£70,000 for one of the Blenheim pictures. Joseph earnestly desires
to encourage Art, but demurs to the price.

“ I’m fond of picters meself,” he whispered to Wolff, sitting on
bench below him. “ There’s a friend of mine in Belfast, in the
porkbutcher-line, who’s got in his shop a lovely thing—a man driv-
ing a pig; twisting its tail; tail comes off; pig runs on; so natral, ye
think ye hear him squeal. Never pass the shop without dropping in
to look at this. Ana what d’ye think he paid for it ? ”

“ A considerable sum, I should think,” says Sir Henry, deeply
interested.

“ Eighteen-and-six and a pound of sassages,” says Joey B.,
triumphantly.

Joseph listened critically to the debate, smiling scornfully at
Willis, 0,. C., when he announced, with convincing wave of the
hand, that he had “visited the Louvre.” J. B. remembers, with a
smile of varied emotion, that he had not only been all over the
Louvre, but had also visited the Bon Marche. In fact it was at the
latter establishment he bought the hose that figured so prominently
in a certain breach of promise case.

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.