Punch (88.1885)

240

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[May 16, 1885.

In moving up, discovered, canister. Took in situation in a moment.
But Wolff not the man to shirk danger. “Won’t be outdone by a
policeman,” he said to himself. Seized the canister lightly but
firmly, walked out of House, and deposited it in Lobby.

It turned out to he only a quantity of Liebig’s Extract of Meat,
dropped from pocket of some Hon. Member. But Wolff didn’t
know that when, with head erect, lips firmly set, and an uncomfort-
able feeling that he literally carried his life in his hand, he conveyed
the canister to the Lobby.

“ Wolffy ought to have the Victoria Cross,” said Randolph, with
unwonted moisture in his eye.

Tuesday, 2.45, a.m.—Just divided on Vote of Credit. Three
Motions for Adjournment, and then Conservatives made what
O’Donnell calls “base and cowardly surrender.” Parnellites
furious. Been kept up to this hour by promise of Conservatives
that they meant to see the thing through. At critical moment, when
fun at its fastest, caved in, and went home. Parnellites fighting to
the last, opposed Vote of Credit, which was carried through report
stage by 130 Votes against 20.

“Never mind,” said Joseph G-illis to Tim Healy, who was
raging at the defection of the Allies. “It’s not so bad, after all.
We’ve done all that is possible to weaken the position of the country
in face of Russia, we’ve worried the Goovernment, and we’ve
dragged the Conservative Opposition down to our level. _ That’s
pretty well for one night; ” and J. B. tucked his trousers into his
boots preparatory to trudging
homewards, for the last ’bus
had gone.

Tuesday Night.—1 ‘ Mas-
sey’s style of eloquence a
little massive don’t you
think ? ” Sir Peel whispered
to Sir Stafford Northcote,
who was pretending not to
be asleep whilst Lopes was
droning away on the question
of Local Taxation.

“Ah, yes, Sir ‘Massive’

Lopes, I see,” said Sir Staf-
foed. “Neighbour of mine.

Good fellow, sound on Local
Taxation question; but, as
you say, a little heavy.”

Still in accord with general
tone of debate. What a
night we’ve had to he sure !

Pell seconded Motion which
raised on the English Regis-
tration Bill question of Local
Taxation. Henby Fowler
made able speech, _ which
marks great advance in Par-
liamentary style as compared
with his addresses from below
Gangway. Matter excellent,
manner good. After this we
had Paget, and Duckham,
and Whitley, and the Un-
doffis-ted Harris.

“Speaker puiled me up the other night,” says he, “ when I
wanted to discuss the question of wheat supply in debate on V ote of
Credit; see what he’ll do to-night.”

Fortunately Habris did not present himself till debate had been
going on for five hours. At this time Speaker in state approaching
coma. The Undefeated, with one eye on the Chair and the other
on his manuscript, went on to the end unchallenged.

“Wish I’d brought the other speech with me,” he whispered in
ear of Tomlinson. “ Believe I could have worked in those remarks
about wheat without the Speaker calling me up. _ However,
another time, another time. Perhaps I can bring them in on Third
Reading of Seats Bill, or even might get them off at Question Time.
Might do that easily. ‘ To ask the First Lord of Treasury whether
he is aware that the total yield of wheat,’ and so on. As far as I can
see there’s nothing in P„ules controlling questions that would
prevent my doing that.”

Business done.—Sir Massive Lopes’ Local Taxation Amendment
defeated by 240 votes against 238.

Wednesday. — “ Don’t remember that I ever wanted to shake
hands with you before,” I said to eminent Peer. “ Never cared much
for Knatchbull-Hugessen ; can’t stand Lord Braboubne on any
terms ; but would like to shake hands with you now.”

“ Certainly, Toby, with great pleasure. Always ready to do any-
thing that doesn’t cost anything. But what are you so unusually
friendly about ? ”

“ Tour letter to Ashford, don’t you know ? Come out at last—

'M!

i

Lord R. Churchill’s Thought-Reading in the House of Commons,
Monday Evening, May 4th.

“ He (Lord It. Churchill) agreed that the key of India was not at Herat, nor at
Penjdeh, or in the hands of General Komarokf or of Sir Peter Lumsden ; but it was
not altogether London in the sense Lord Beaconsfield supposed. The key of India
was in that House—on the Treasury Bench.”

I won’t say in true colours, for I don’t believe you’re a Tory any
more than you ’re a Liberal. But you ’re going to wear the label of
the side you usually vote with. Best thing I know in your Lord-
ship’s political career.”

“Thank you, Toby. Very kind of you to say so. Of course
didn’t take step without due deliberation. Need hardly say, if
Gladstone had found place for me in his Government in ’80, would
have taken very different view of his policy, and voted accordingly.
Left me out, though he tossed me a Peerage. Sat on cross benches
when I first went to Lords. Convenient place, you know—neither
one thing nor the other. Ready for offers from either side. Confess
haven’t made much way in Lords. Nobody offered me anything
except cold shoulder. Try another game now. Take up sides openly
with Tories, and see what comes of it. How did I happen to hit
upon this decision just now? Well, been drifting towards it for
some months. What gave last shove was, some fellow writing to
Newspapers, complaining of my appropriating six seats in mid-day
express from Folkestone, also getting train to make unauthorised
stoppage at roadside station, to pick me up. Why, good Heavens!
what are we coming to ? I’m a Director of the Railway. If I don’t
make use of it for personal economies and comfort, what’s the use
of being a Director ? When things come to this pass, time to turn
round. Democracy must be Stemmed; so I throw in my lot with the
Constitutional Party.”

Business done.—Registration Bill in Committee in Commons.

Thursday Night.—Unpro-
voked attack on a bulwark
of British Constitution.
x x Alexander, sighing for

fresh worlds to conquer,
proposes to abolish Judge-
Advocate General! Osman
Digna Morgan present in-
cumbent of office, shows
cause against such a course.
Powerful and convincing
speech. Still, proposal seduc-
tive. Salary (£2,000 a year)
might he saved. Consider-
able amount this towards
reduction of deficit of
Fifteen Millions. House
plainly hesitating; division
imminent; result doubtful;
when the whole course of
events turned by simple
and apparently trivial in-
cident. Cavendish Ben-
TINCK passing through
Lobby on his way out to
dinner, thought he’d just
look in. No notion what
was going forward. Might
as well see how matters were
getting; on. Committee still
pondering on weighty deci-
sion. Turned and saw Right
Hon. Gentleman standing at
_ the Bar. That was enough.

Back came memories of all the grace, the learning, the dignity, and
the profoundly judicial weight wherewith the office had been endowed
durmg the existence of the late Government.

Good Ged! ” muttered conscience-stricken Alexander. “ Never
thought of this. If we abolish office of Judge Advocate General
what s to become of Cavendish Bentincii in the next Ministry ? ”

The General hurriedly rose ; asked leave to withdraw his Amend-
ment; Committee eagerly accepted proposal, Judge Advocate General
saved, and Cavendish Bentinck wobbled off to dinner without the
slightest consciousness of the remarkable influence exercised by his
silent and momentary presence.

Business done.—English Registration Bill through Committee.
Progress with Army Estimates. On one division Speaker named as
tellers Mr. Small and Mr. Biggar. “Small and Biggar ! ”
exclaimed Arthur Balfour, a great purist of language. “ That’s
a very awkward turn. Should, I fancy, read smaller and bigger.”

Saturday Morning.—Christening Party at it again. Made a night
of it. Some tremendous battles raging. At One o’clock this
morning, Radcliffe-cum-Farnworth having been settled, and the
Batley-Morley battle decided, Nolan rose to move to give North
Galway alternative name of Tuam. “ Hon. and Gallant Member,”
says Dilke, “wants, I presume, to settle the difference between
Meum and Tuam.”

After this division inevitable. Lord Richard Gbosvenor
announced result, twenty for Tuam, “ and,” he added triumphantly,

“ 84 for Meum.”

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