Punch (88.1885)

242

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARTVARI. [Mat 23, 1885.

A BURNING MEASURE.

Southern Tourist. “’Got a Mornins Paper ? ” Northern Newsvendor [with emphasis). “A’ sold oot ! ”

S. T. “Oh! What’s the News ? War declared aoiin ? ” N. N. “ Na-maist impoortant ! TheTa-ax!”
S. T. (innocently). “ What Tax ? ” N. N. “ E—H, Mun ! Have ye no h’ard 1 The Whuskey ! ! ”

THE ERIEND1IRIES.

[From the “ Daily Scuttler.’’)

Recent events abroad, combined with, the masterly alternations of
our Foreign Policy, have left the Government with a large and
somewhat damaged stock Vf 11 Friendlies ” on their hands. Partly
for the relief of those loyal allies, and partly for the general instruc-
tion and entertainment, it has been determined to hold a permanent
Exhibition of “Friendlies” (which! will doubtless be popularly
known as “ The Friendliries ”) in Epping Forest. Thus an asylum
of a paying character will be provided for the confiding peoples who
trust the promises of English Generals or Ministers, while the.ethno-
logist and the naturalist will find constant pleasure in observing the
manners and customs of alien or savage races. Though the project
of founding the Friendliries meets with a.good deal of opposition
beneath the Gangway (where “ Serve the niggers right’’ is the pre-
vailing verdict), yet the Society for the Protection of Aborigines hopes
to bring the Exhibition to a successful and pecuniarily profitable issue.

Already have many most novel Exhibits been promised from
different quarters. When the Crimes Act (Ireland) has been modified
in a Constitutional and Liberal sense, it is expected that friendly
Irish (Landlords, and the like) will constantly be on view at the
Friendliries. The curious will be able, at a slight extra charge, to
see the destitute loyal Irish Landlord fed, and to observe his.singular
habit of dressing in the miserable remains of an old eveniog suit.
The last surviving examples of Bailiffs, Protestants, Orangemen, and
Manufacturers, will also be on view. A very large assortment of
friendly Amaras and Bishareens is expected by next steamer from
Suakim. Owing to our masterly retreat from that port, several
thousand Arabs have now no choice between extermination and the
Friendliries, and, though most prefer extermination, considerable
numbers are to be among the Exhibits.

.. From the province of Dongola a high class Mudir (early decorated)
is looked for, with a number of Sheikhs, and all the Kababish and
Shagiyeh tribes that chance to esoape from the vengeance of the Mahdi.

South Africa sends exhibits from among her friendly Bechuanas,

Basutos, and Zulus. Most of these, to be sure, are now either killed
out, or permanently engaged in service (without remuneration) in
pious Boer families. It is not doubted, however, but that specimens
will be secured for the Friendliries. From the Cameroons the
remnants of West African Friendlies not yet annihilated by German
gunboats may probably put in an appearance.

After the success of our arms in Canada has induced us to refrain
from further blood-guiltiness, the friendly half-breeds and Red Men,
or (in case of a French Canadian rising) the Canadians of English
descent, will doubtless gladly flock to.the shades of Epping Forest.

In the event of war with Russia, and of an Anglo-Chinese
alliance, arrangements on a rather large scale will have to be made
for the reception of all the survivors of the Celestial Empire. At the
conclusion of peace with Russia 'on the usual terms), the friendly
Chinese, of course, would no longer be able to remain at home in
China, and will be glad to live on birds’-nest soup in Epping Forest.
Stuffed Afghans from Penjdeh are daily expected, as examples of
extinct Friendlies.

Can any popular entertainment be more interesting, or demonstrate
more clearly the loyalty of England, than this vast shelter, or asylum,
where races who have nothing in common but belief in our promises,
will peacefully fade away under the influence of our climate ?
Heathen Rome, with all her greatness, could show nothing in the
least resembling the Friendliries. The Friendly Amara, in his hut;
the Friendly Irishman, grubbing with his umbrella for pig-nuts;
the Friendly Bishareen, at his mid-day devotions; the Friendly
Ashanti, pawning the last of his Aggrv beads for a morsel of bread;
the Friendly Chinaman, taking in washing at an alarming reduction,
with the Friendly Mudir, reduced to editing a halfpenny evening
paper, will all join in one polyglot dirge for the honour of Old
England. _

Holy Weit wholly Re-Written.—The Revisionaries having
accomplished their task, presented the Revised Version to Her Ma-
jesty. The Times, reviewing their labours, said that they had, on the
whole, been very successful with the Book of Job. A good job done.