Januaby 3, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

NO JOKE.

A pew days since a man,
charged with begging, and who
said he had walked eight hundred
miles in search of work, was
brought before Mr. Baxguy, the
excellent Magistrate of Woolwich
Police Court, when the following
dialogue (suggesting that perhaps,
after all, employment just now
may be scarce) took place:—

“ Mr. Balguy : And so you may
go on for a thousand miles longer. A
man who is thrown out of work just
now has very little hope. "Why don’t
you go to the workhouse ? Defen-
dant : The workhouse is not for
an able-bodied man like me, able
and willing to work. Besides, I am
only one out of thousands of men
out of work all over the country. I
saw hundreds and hundreds at the
docks this morning fighting for the
chance of an hour’s work. Mr.
Balguy: Have you tried the new
docks at Tilbury ? Defendant : Yes,
Sir ; but there were a hundred men
waiting for every one wanted. Mr.
Balguy : You are a Scotchman, are
you not ? If a Scotchman cannot get
work nobody can. (A laugh in court.')
Don’t laugh. It is not a joke, but a
fact; for Scotchmen, as a rule, are in-
dustrious and persevering. Defen-
dant : I really don’t know where to
turn next.”

As lie had said, the -workhouse
was not the place for able-bodied
men such as he ; and as for the
only other refuge, there still
exists amongst the class to which
he belongs an objection to the
prison. So the only answer to the
kindly-intentioned request to
“ move on” was “ whither! ”

METROPOLITAN IMPROVEMENTS.

PROPOSED ELEVATED ROADWAY FOR
PERAMBULATORS.

EDUCATIONAL ESTIMATES.

(By a Parochial Philistine.)
WE’ve reason to congratulate
Ourselves, you think, Mundella,
So mightily that our school-rate
Ameliorates our “fellah.”
Butwheninstruetion shall have all
The People elevated,

Oh, then what will therefrom befall
The Higher Classes rated!

What will they do for servant-
maids,

Cooks, footmen, grooms, and
pages,

Who ’ll claim, upraised in mental
grades,

As high a rise in wages ;

The price of Education’s fruits,
For hands to wait at table,

Clean knives and forks, and shoes
and boots,

And tend the steed and stable ?

Eftsoons will menials, maids, and
knaves,

Both, come too dear to cost us.
The system of a race of slaves
Is now for ever lost us.

It was, in sooth, a Pagan plan,
Because, though queer men, truly,
A Nigger is a kind of man,

So, likewise, is a Coolie.

Well stored with Lower Orders’
heads,

We ne’er shall get those others
To scrub our doors, and make our
beds,

Fair sisters, gentle brothers,
Except on terms which would
almost

Amount to ruination;

Then wait we on ourselves, and
boast

Of popular elevation.

IN A CHRISTMAS NUTSHELL.

(Amusing Precis for the Season.)

I.

Count Munstee presents his compliments to Earl Geanville, and
will be extremely obliged if he can inform him whether he or any
member of his Government has ever heard of a tract of land lying
beyond the region of the Orange River ; and. if so, what they think
of it. ii.

Eaee Gbanvule presents his best compliments to Count Munstee,
and begs, in reply to his kind inquiries, to inform him that as it is
an invariable custom for himself and his colleagues never to have
any cognisance of any land whatever, either beyond the Orange
River or elsewhere, until the knowledge they have acquired on the
subject is either useless, or humiliating, or both, he has not yet
received any information about the tract in question, but hopes that
his Excellency is quite well, and enjoying the pleasant spring
weather.

P.S.—Earl Gbanyule takes this opportunity of adding, in a purely
sportive vein, that though he and his colleagues never heard of the
place, they should consider further inquiries on the matter a distinct
violation of the integrity of the British Empire.

m.

Count Munstek’s kind compliments to Earl Geanville and the
Earl of Deeby, and would be glad to^ know whether at this present
moment, an English Travelling Circus is in need of British protection
beyond the Orange River; and if so, where P

My Loehs . Tv’

I am astonished, surprised, and hurt at having been kept
waiting six months without any reply to my simple and. ingenuous
inquiry made in all good faith in November last. The boy waits for
an answer to this. I have the honour to be, my Lords,

Your Lordships’ faithful servant, Munstee.

Deabest Count Munstee, V-

We were out of ink, ’pon my word we were. But you know
the little ins and outs in these matters, and will take our petit faux

pas diplomatique in a pleasant and congenial spirit. But there—
we ’ll see about it. All in good time. Yours cordially.

(Signed) Geanvix.ee.—Deeby.

vi.

Count Munstee begs to inform Eabl Geanville that he has
received instructions from his Government to announce the annexa-
tion to the German Empire of the entire tract of land beyond the
Orange River, extending five thousand miles West by East to longi-
tude 42° 37“ inclusive.

VII.

Lokd Geanville and Lord Deeby by telegram to Count Munstee.

Bless us ! you don’t say so!

WAITING FOR THE WAGGON.

As we have already waited three-quarters of an hour in the centre
of a dark and stuffy tunnel, and I am due in the City half-an-hour
ago, perhaps it would be as well to inquire if there is a stoppage on
the line.

Guard, have you any reason to suppose that the train has been
stopped in order to allow the engine-driver and stoker to have a quiet
game of eribbage behind the coals in the tender ?

As I have been particularly recommended by my Doctor to “ select
a bracing air,” and as I suffer from asthma and chronic bronchitis,
I really don’t think that this detention in a sulphurous sewer near
Baker Street for a whole hour is likely to improve my general health.

Porter, is my bed made up in the wagon-lit which now runs be-
tween Earl’s Court and the Mansion House ?

Quite considerate of the Company to keep one’s train waiting at
South Kensington. Can visit Museum.

In spite of the “ immense benefits” which the newspapers say will
accrue to the Public from the line between Aldgate and the Mansion
House, the working arrangements of the “Inner Circle” can hardly
as yet be said to be “ all square.”

Remedy at Hawaeden.—How to counteract the Dynamitard
force,.—try extra Police Patroleum.