Punch: Punch (38.1860)

June 16, 18G0.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

SCHOOL FOR SIRENS.

(To Mr. Punch?)

Sir, — According to a
newspaper announce-
ment, a conversazione
is fixed to take place
on Thursday evening,
June 21, at the South
Kensington Museum,
for the purpose of
helping to build an
edifice for an edu-
cational institution,
which is to be called—
what do you think?
—the Female School
of Art and Design!
It is a fact. Sir. As
if Females were not
sufficiently artful and
designing by nature,
and required any in-
struction in craft and
subtilty. I see that
on this occasion the
Koh-i-Noor diamond
is to be exhibited,
together with a col-
lection of ancient and
modern jewellery. Of
course. Ear - rings,

‘ brooches, pearls, and
ouches,’ chaplets and
coronals of diamonds,
rubies, sapphires, eme-
ralds, and all manner
of gems, are, and
always have been,
among the principal
appliances of Female

Art and Design. I suppose there will be also a display of cosmetics and perfumes. ‘ Kalydor,’
''Creme de l’Imperatrice’ (which must be a physiological curiosity), 'Fleur del’Age? which
is translated in the advertisements ‘Bloom of Youth,’ a preparation possibly intended to
make aged faces look youthful, will be probably contained in the exhibition of articles which
are commonly employed by Females with artful and designing views. To these insidious
inventions will also doubtless be added ‘ Rondeletia,’ ‘Fairy Bouquet,’ ‘ Fan de Bully? ‘Wood
Violets’and ‘Jockey Club Perfume,’and most of the other scents which are recommended
for the boudoir, inclusive of ‘ Kiss-me-Quick.’ The collection will, perhaps, comprise ‘teeth
of pearly whiteness,’ composed of porcelain. There will be no end of bonnets and hats of
the sort that fashionable writers call ‘coquettish’ on view, I dare say; and I wonder if
there will be an exposition of the various contrivances whereby Female Art and Design,
inspired with Taste, have sought, in modern times, to improve a lady’s figure by expanding
its apparent proportions from those of the Medicean Venus to those of the Hottentot. At
least I question whether the show of attractive apparatus and machinery will include hoops
and crinoline, in which ridiculous incumbrances those incrementitious adjuncts to natural
grace and symmetry have culminated. I should almost think not. I suspect that the majority
of women hate and detest those ridiculous and troublesome superfluities as much as men
do, and only wear them because they are worn by their superiors, whose example they are
obliged to follow by an irresistible instinct. The ends of Female Art and Design would not
be promoted by submitting the deplorable absurdities of Fashion to the inspection of
mankind.

“ It may be as well to mention, for the information of any young men who are sufficiently
confident of their own strength of mind to have no fear of being captivated by bewitching
wiles, and who may be curious to see and examine the sundry decorative objects which are
the appurtenances aDd ^'productions of Female Art and Design, that admission to the con-
versazione at which they will be exhibited is to be had by tickets only, procurable from Mr.
Philip Cunliffe Owen, at the South Kensington Museum; from any member of the
Committee of the School for the cultivation of feminine cunning; or at 37, Gower Street,
from Miss Gann, Superintendent of that dangerous institution. All of those parties will.be
ready to receive donations from anybody who is of opinion that Female Art and Female Design
ought to be encouraged. It may be that those old gentlemen who are blessed with grown-up
daughters will be of that opinion; for my own part, Sir, I am glad to say my blessedness is
single.

“ I have the honour to be, Sir, your diligent reader,

“ Sweet briars, Surley, June, 1860.” “ Asper.”

Jack the Giant-Killer Redivivus.

FINANCIAL JUSTICE.

A Writer on “Income-Tax Prospects,” in
the Saturday Review, makes the following
observation :—

“Our Chancellor of the Exchequer may be safely
trusted to see that, when, the State charges its subjects
with the annual cost of government and of insurance
against foreign aggression, it is no more under a duty
to take account of the varieties in the sources of their
income than is the butcher who debits the Duke of
Sutherland, and John Smith, the greengrocer, with the
price of the mutton he has supplied for their respective
dinners.”

Of course, John Smith, the Greengrocer, is
obliged to consume as much mutton as the Duke
of Sutherland. John Smith has no power
of meeting hard times by abstinence from mut-
ton, and can never be reduced to dining olf his
own cabbage and potatoes. John Smith, who
has no life interest in the market-garden whicli
produces his vegetables, whose whole property
consists of his stock-in-trade, and who, should
he fail in business, must go to the Workhouse,
can afford to pay an Income-Tax just as well as
the Duke of Sutherland can. The maker of
the smallest income can afford the deduction of
so much per cent, from it, equally well with
the receiver of the largest; or, it’ he cannot
afford it, his inability to afford it is nothing to
the purpose, and ought to be altogether ignored.
In that view of the case, the Income-Tax is much
too indulgent to John Smith as compared with
the Duke of Sutherland. The Greengrocer
ought to be made to pay not only proportionally,
hut absolutely, as much Income-Tax as the Duke
pays; and should the amount demanded of him
exceed his income, he ought to be sold up, and
the proceeds of his stock and his sticks be applied
to satisfy, as far as they will go, the just demands
of the Chancellor of the Exchequer.

To think of finding the old nursery wardrobe in full wear in Sicily! The Neapolitan
Police-torturers in that island have for some time, it seems, been using the “ cap of dark-
ness.” Garibaldi has now come down upon them with the “sword of sharpness;” and
the sbirri of Bomealino have found the “ shoes of swiftness ” to run away with.

A Subject for a Sea-Song.

The Sea Serpent, according to the Northern
Ensign, has been seen again. The beholder was
Captain William Taylor, master of the British
Banner, whom our canny contemporary describes
as “a native of South Ronaldshay, and a gentle-
man of unimpeachable veracity and great intel-
ligence.” It may he sufficient to state that
Captain William Taylor declares that the
monster bit off the bowsprit, jib-boom, sails,
and rigging of his vessel, and then swallowed
the foretopmast, the staysail, the jib, and flying-
jib, with the greatest apparent ease. This beats
spiritualism. Want of space compels us to
refrain from celebrating Captain William
Taylor’s encounter with the Sea Serpent, in a
new and original ballad of Billy Taylor.

SPIRITUALIST SEANCES.

A Certain West-End drawing-room is the
favourite scene of Mr. Hume’s wonderful
spiritualist exploits, of which flying is about
the mildest. Mr. Bernal Osborne calls this
mansion of marvels an Illustrated Edition of
Hume’s Essay on Miracles.

The Value of the Public Time.

Notice of Motion. — Mr. Punch to move
that, immediately under the Clock of the House
of Commons, there be placed a large placard-
board, handsomely framed and glazed, on which
shall be inscribed, in illuminated characters, the
legend—Tempus Eugit.

NEAT AND APPROPRIATE.

The Morning Star is anxious to get up a
great demonstration in favour of the Reform
Bill. We beg to recommend, should the Bill he
massacred among the other innocents of the
Session, “a national apalhyeosis” in its honour