Punch: Punch (38.1860)

256

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[June 23, 1866. j

VERY CAREFUL.

Economical Peer (ivith feeling). “Good Gracious, Thompson! Haven’t you Men got an
Umbrella outside ? ”

Thompson. “No,.My Lord!”

Peer. “ Dear ! Dear ! Dear !—Then give me those New Hats inside ! ”

NOTES ON DRESS.

It is astonishing how much an old hat may be improved by rain. It is a fact that one
which had been nearly three years in wear, having been thoroughly washed in a thunder-
shower, and then carefully wiped, presented, when dry, such a smooth and glossy appearance,
that it was mistaken for new by a little boy.

A black coat, which is so old and threadbare that the slovenliest philosopher would
rather not go about in it by day, will, if only ironed smooth, pass muster with wonderful
success by candle-light in the crowd of an evening party. A dress-coat will last a careful
man through several fashions.

Trousers should be black or blue, or of some other colour as easily matched ; for they are
too. apt to wear out in the bifurcation, and repeatedly require to be re-established on a new
basis.

Old clothes had better be kept laid up in lavender, of which a few bunches will last many
years.

Waistcoats should always button high. Shirts wear out with washing.

Boots and shoes are, of all articles of attire, the most temporary and fugitive. All holes in
them not only attract the animadversion of beholders, but also sensibly inconvenience the
wearer. There is a point beyond which their mending cannot be carried consistently with
ease. Patches gall; and upper leathers, although otherwise fit to be soled, often get uncom-
fortably trodden all on one side. You hardly economise in Bluchers by wearing slippers
in-doors; you must walk for the sake of your health; and besides, riding is more expensive
than shoe-leather.

Gloves need be worn only in cold weather. They should be dark.

A sign that a suit of clothes has lasted nearly as long as possible is the circumstance that
when the wearer applies to take his place at a railway-office, the clerk gives him a third-class
ticket.

When beggars cease to importune you, it is time to begin to think about purchasing new
apparel. Some respect is due to the opinion of others.

A sage once wished that he were clothed like the trees. He was asked by one of his
disciples how he would like casting his leaves in winter ?

SONGS OF “ THE SEVEN AGES.”

THE INFANT.

Lend, fair Mnemosyne, thy wing,

And waft me back to childhood’s days.

So shall thy humble servant sing
The humblest of all nurs’ry lays.

Have sixty winters passed away,

Three score of summers shed their charms
A “ babby,” Sarah, since I lav

“Mewling and puking” in thy arms?

I drew my lot in Life’s career—

The lot for better or for worse—

And lay, a tiny, mottled dear.

In Sally’s arms (my monthly nurse).

Let heroes boast of peril braved,

Or brag of battles, who survive;

From greater dangers I’ve been saved,

In Life’s first chapters—one to five.

’Twas in those early days a rat
Attacked my cradle from below,

And hut for Granny’s tabby cat,

Had nearly lunched upon my toe!

’Twas then short-sighted Uncle John,
Missing his barnacles one day,

Seated his bulk, of sixteen stone,

Upon the sofa where I lay.

Shall I recount how Mary Ann
Eloped with her red-coated spark ;

Leaving, a prey to every swan.

Her darling charge in James’s Park?

Or shall I nurse’s blunders note,

My precious health which helped to spoil
When pouring lotions down my throat,

She bathed my limbs in castor-oil ?

Nay, let me rather sing of days
When love of letters first took root;

And those who taught, in various ways,

My young ideas how to shoot.

They taught me how the Busy Bee
Delighted much to bark and bite;

And gathering honey all the day.

Consumed it jovially at night.

I learned that bread was made from corn;

How sand and ashes turned to glass ;

When kings expired,where queens were born;
Why Magna Charta came to pass.

I learnt the cause of snow and rain,

That bricks were formed of hard-baked clay;
That of six apples four remain,

If two you chance.to take away.

And other themes of divers kind,

Of which I don’t remember half;

But which the curious may find
In Mangnall’s Questions (12mo calf).

Then Dairy Tales my mind supplied;

I read Tom Thumb, the shocking ruse
Played on poor Ridinghood, or cried
Eor golden eggs from Mother Goose.

* * * * *

Oh, byegone days of early bliss,

Light sleep, short trousers, treats of jam!
Ah ! what a change from that to this,

Erom what I was, to what I am.


A Reminiscence.

One of Mr. Bright’s organs plays to the tune that “ the Reform Bill has been destroyed
by the Articles in the Times.” The real fact, of course, is, that Mr. Punch put the unfortu-
nate Bill to death. But, were it otherwise, he would be happy to quote from a celebrated
meio-drama, the Babes in the Wood. “ Kill him again, Walter. Such a creature can pe^er
be too dead ! ”

Political Spiritualism.

Would it not he advisable to turn all living
Bishops out of the House of Lords, and to supply
their places with the spirits of their predeces-
sors, and other defunct Peers, so as to provide
the higher branch of the legislature with a bench
of genuine Lords Spiritual ?