Punch (58.1870)

jjiABcu t>6, 1870] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 12:

HANDY-CAPPING.

iss Dense presents her compliments to Mr. Punch, and
begs to offer to his notice a few reflections on a subject
"which has long caused her much painful perplexity.
^/ / \J I never could imagine "what business men could pos-
sibly have with handy-capping, or, indeed, with any other
branch of millinery. That seems to be woman's peculiar province—
her artistic mission; for are we not Nature's Cabinet Ministers ?
and does not the Crown —please pardon a little pun—naturally look
to us for its supplies ?

Handy-capping (a most nonsensical term, but graphic, certainly, to
some extent) as I understand it, is the art of arranging head-dresses
generally, and the softly-toned caps of hopeful widows, &c, in par-
ticular, so as to captivate gentlemen of Mr. Punch's (middle) age and
natural susceptibility. We know, by sad observation, that many mem-
bers of our circle are often left behind on the platform of Celibacy by
the ordinary trains running daily to the terminus of Bliss. These for-
lorn ones after 350 anxiously look to handy-capping as an express-
engine to transport them along an incline the gradients of which are
sometimes very severe. As a practical engineer justly observes, Love
is a locomotive that never did run smooth. But 1 apprehend that I am
digressing. To conclude.

As fish are caught by paste, so are bachelors, if it be in the shape of
a brilliant. But handy-capping is less expensive, and sometimes equally
successful; and many charming couples, of some experience in life,
owe their present felicity entirely to the ingenious manipulation of a
few yards of Honiton lace.

P.S. My cousin Richard, looking over my shoulder (how he came
in unobserved I can't imagine), tells me, rather curtly, that I am writing
nonsense. He explains handy-capping in scientific phraseology, as

having relation to the acknowledged principle of "weight for age." AltCiilJil'l&UJPAlj blxAMMA.il

In illustration, he observed that a lady of thirty would, by the rules j The Archbishops of Canterbury and York presents our com-
of handy-capping, be expected to carry with her to the Hymeneal goal ; pliments to the Editor of Punch, and we should like to know by what
3000 pounds (sterling); one of thirty-five a lump sum (L am quoting | right I am exposed to the ridicule of their inferior clergy, and that by
Richard verbatim) of 3500 pounds (sterling); one of forty a ditto of j a member of the laity. I beg to say, Sir, we have been shocked from
4000 pounds (sterhn?); and—and so on. He concluded his discourse | t,ime to time at seeing the *' Queen's English " and the " Dean's
m these words : " Euphemia, you had better accept Dr. Dibslove's j English " asperged, but the Archbishops finds it reserved for the
offer without further hesitation. You are now twenty-eight, and you <■ columns of the Times to shake the pillars of our Archiepiscopal thrones
have 2800 pounds (East India 5 per Cents.). In two years' time you Dy this ill-timed explosion of Lindley Murray. Although we do not

FIVE COUNTIES ON FIRE !

There has gone forth a word

Which five counties hath stirred
To a high pitch of fierce indignation,

And hath caused earth and sky

To resound with the cry,
Far and wide, " No more Centralisation! "

There's announced, no mere dream,

But a Government scheme,
With arrangements provided to work it,

For effecting a change

As unwelcome as strange :
'Tis proposed to annul the Home Circuit!

People angrily shout:

If this plan's carried out,
They '11 be lowered, or ir>jured, or undone

Local lawyers will smart

When the cases, in part,
Shall be sent to be tried up in London.

If, as also designed,

Of the weightier kind,
To try some, they extend Quarter Sessions,

That will ask Judges, more

Of Law's technical lore
Who possess, than the Chairmen's possessions.

So the Great, called Unpaid,
Are alarmed and afraid
For their dignity, greatness, and glory,
Beaks in politics wide
Though apart, on each side ;
All the County Grandees, Whig and Tory.

Messrs. Smith, Jones and Bro w:;,
In each County Chief Town,
When 'tis full where each article rises,
Raise a thundering din.
They'll no more stick it in,
tt'hen bereft of the Week of Assizes.

Hertford, Essex, and Kent
Ring with loud discontent,
Sussex, Surrey, are burning with fury,
That's provoked by the thought
They '11 to suburbs be brought
Each when shorn of its own judge and jury.

Good folks, one thing you may
To the Cabinet say,
Which may give them some grave hesitation,
Is not London too stout,
Far too bloated, without
More avoidable Centralisation P

will be expected to make it up to 3000—that is, if the Doctor under
stands handy-capping as well as most D. C. L.'s do."
Is that really what men mean by handy-capping, Mr. Punch ?

Two Wretches.

What a woman will do, in a specified case,

Not the wisest of men will declare;"

Cockalorum, you 're right," said Bernando (so base),

" And the wiser, the less he will—care."

Irish Meteorology.

There surely must be some constant cause existing -whose agency
maintains the chronic disaffection of Ireland. Perhaps it is some dis-
turbing element ever present in the atmosphere. That may possibly be
a predominance of O'Zone.

wish to hold any (Economical Counsel to ascert our Impalpability, yet [
should like to know what security there is for the foundations of Church
or State (represented by the Queen's English and Dean's English
respectfully) if the emmanations from the archiepiscopal pens are not
to be considered as moddles of English authography and stile. The
Archbishops of Canterbury and York remain, with infinite con-
descension, My dear Punch,

Your most patronising friends,

A. C. Cantuar.
W. Ebor.

Ecclesiastical Medicine.

A medical man professing extremely High Anglican views, and
enjoying a large practice among the candle and vestment party in the
Established Church, being consulted by a Ritualist parson affected
with hypochondriasis, recommended him a change of diocese.