Punch (58.1870)

April 30, 1870.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

177

your (temporary) butler has that moment informed you he has had
the misfortune to break in the bin.

Ball delightful, partners charming, music inspiring; buffet irreproach-
able, the whole thing Paradise, elysium, seventh heaven, &c.,—glove
splits gapingly, conspicuously, hopelessly.

Great work all but completed, years spent upon its production,
friends to whom it has been shown in MS. enthusiastic, publisher
liberal, encouraging, advertisements about to appear—book on pre-
cisely the same subject announced in evening paper as "Just ready."

MACBETH NOT DOGBEKRY.

A PRETTY LITTLE DONKEY IN A LION'S SKIN.

A Grand Sensation for Ta if^f-Haired Beauties.

SPOTS ON THE SUN.

{Looked at Socially.)

Fine summer day, delightful out-door fete in delicious gardens,
charming women charmingly dressed, high spirits, witty remarks, well-
tilting clothes, and—a large smut on your face not discovered until the

end of the entertainment. and blind hookey, not even perceiving, in my dense stupidity, that

Laborious duties of Government appointment over for the week
Park balmy, breezy, rhododendrony ; boots easy, shiny; agreeable com-
panion in arm-chair ladylike, chatty, musliny; infallible dinner to come,
favourite opera to follow—peremptory creditor, whose vulgar under-
ling has waited upon you that morning for the last time, stalks by.

Beautiful place on the coast, beautiful weather, beautiful ocean, good

Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth ! Had you three ears you'd hear
me? You have only two ears, but those two would be thrice as long
as a Macbeth's should be, if you were capable of the utterance which a
newspaper ascribes to you. What is that? Braving, Macbeth, Pro-
vost Macbeth ; expressing yourself not as Macbeth, but as Dogberry.
Worthy Macbeth, what a shame it is that you should be so misre-
ported by some dreaming reporter, as you must have been in the
Glasgoio Herald! In that journal it is stated that you and your
brother Magistrates held a court the other day at Rothesay, when
deputations from branches of the Pree Church, a Total Abstinence
Society, and a Parochial Board, prayed your worships for a reduction in
the number of public-house licences, and called your attention to the
fact that billiards and other games were being introduced into hotels
and public-houses, and declaring that they held the tendency of those
amusements to be pernicious. The report of your proceedings contains
the incredible statement that—

" The Provost, on behalf of himself and brother Magistrates, expressed
their willingness to keep down the number of licensed houses, if at all pos-
sible ; and with regard to a billiard table which had been introduced into one
of the hotels, indicated that they were quite willing to allow it to be used by
strangers lodging in the hotel, or by strangers visiting them, but that they
could not tolerate its use by people living in the town. With regard to
dominoes, draughts, &c, being used in public-houses, he said the Magistrates
would not grant licences unless these instruments of gambling were removed,
and a promise given not to introduce them."

What a rage I should have been in had I been a Provost, and had
seen in print such nonsense put into my mouth as ihe Glasgow Herald
has made you talk about billiards ! Por many people, inclined to
believe rather than to doubt the truth of any imputation of folly to
others, would not suspect the story that I had uttered that nonsense
to be a hoax. And, if I had uttered it, what a donkey I should have
been ! Billiards objectionable in a hotel! Why, who can play at
billiards drunk? Sobriety is a necessary condition of the game; and
as to billiards in a tavern, so far from their having any pernicious
tendency, the billiard table must tend to divert frequenters from the
beer-engine and the bottle. I should also feel highly indignant at
being represented as having been such a fool as to talk about dominoes
and draughts as though I confounded the games so called with hazard

those recreative draughts were likely to wean all amused with them
from those other draughts that make men drunk. To write down
Macbeth, as the Glasgow Herald has virtually done, that which Dog-
berry requested to be written, is too bad. It may suggest a bad joke
to some one of your countrymen—the riddle why is Provost Macbeth
like MacbetKs castle? which of course you know was called Dunsinane.

sands, good shrimps, good bathm^g^accommodation—you discover on | But no, Provost, ye'rena that inane dunce that you have been made out

by the Glasgow contemporary of

leaving the machine, buoyant, and full of spirits and appetite—you a
complete stranger at Bythesea—that the only coin you have about you
is a bad half-crown.

Winter evening, wind and sleet outside, easy chair and bright fire
within, curtains drawn, lamp splendid, grog at your elbow, dog at your
feet, pipe between your lips, concluding volume of new novel in your
hand—has been a good deal read, so pages 2S6 to 302, in the thick of
the final excitement, are missing.

Magnificent church; crowded congregation; friends, neighbours,
relatives, old servants all around pleased and smiling; lovely bride,

Down with your Dust.

Why will not Mr. Ayrton water Rotten Row as nicely for the five
o'clock as the one o'clock equestrianism ? Among five hundred other
sufferers, Mr. Punch, whose duties to his country detain him at his
office until the later hour, has lately been halt blinded on more than
, one occasion while taking there his needful exercise ere dinner. With
lovely bridesmaids, lovely bouquets, new suit highly-polished hat, j the barometer at Set Pair, each fair lady who may sit by the side of

lappiest, proudest day in your life, and—ring forgotten, wife elect Rotten row ?cts as dusty as a miller, in the absence of Aquarius,
rattier superstitious, time nearly twelve. _ yfiW our S-Mdih kindly take pity on her chignon, and bid his water-

Business at a distance settled sooner than you expected, tram back ' carts at gye q'qIq^ to do their work like one o'clock ?

home most convenient, little plan to surprise "Pussy" (your wife) by _

returning to-day instead of to-morrow, luncheon at the " Saracen's

Head " capital and moderate, journey safe and pleasant, calm tranquil Fact.

evening with golden sunset, civil and conscientious cabman, hasty A m0nster who was present at the opening of the Vaudeville, and
happy knock at your own. front door—opened by veteran charwoman : ; whoge CQat he declared was spoiled, said when going out, " Well, it
wife out, gone to stay all night with her mother, general cleaning m may nQt be ^ma^ble for its size, but it's unpleasantly conspicuous
progress, house topsyturvy. . _ ,. , , for its paint." If Mr. Montague remunerated this person he made a

Dinner-party early in married life, all going off well, cook sober,
waiters disciplined, guests cheerful, wife radiant—wealthy but some-
what irascible and capricious blood relation, who is fond of a glass of
Madeira, reminds you of your promise to give him that last bottle

great managerial mistake.

The Most Patal Porm op Consumption.—The consumption of

of particular old East India which your godfather left you, and which strong drink.

Vol. 58.