Punch (88.1885)

298

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Junk 20, 1885.

THE UNCONSCIOUS SELF.
(See Spectator, June 6.)

’Tis a famous idea of Myers,

The Spectator attempts to ex-
plain,

There’s a hitch in the cerebral
wires

That the burden of thinking
sustain;

One “hemisphere” bustles amain,

While the other is laid on the
shelf,

And what tenants these cells of
the Brain ?

It is just the Unconscious Self !

Now suppose that this essence
inspires

All acts that give Moralists
pain,*

That ferocious passions it fires.

Why the sinner may guiltless
remain!

He may forge, and may hurry to
Spain

With a parcel of alien pelf,

But the culprit’s that Side of his
Brain,

It is just the Unconscious Self!

What a comfort to ladies and
squires

When their scutcheon is under
a stain.

They must answer whoever in-
quires,

With apology none can disdain,

“ Automatic vagaries arraign,

But acquit the poor innocent elf.

Ananias is guiltless, and Cain,

It is just the Unconscious Self! ”

Prince, surely the notion is plain

To the oritical mind of a Guelph,

When we sin ’tis a kink in the
brain.

It is j ust the Unconscious Self!

* Mr. Myebs, however, supposes

nothing of the sort.

DANCE MUSIC.

HAPPY THOUGHT GOVERN-
MENT.

(A few Suggestions.)

Lord Salisbury.—Happy
Thought— Fight Russia—at once.

Sir Staff or dNorthcote.—Happy
Thought.—Ought to Reduce In-
come Tax, somehow. Popular
this. Also square the Brewers.

Lord Randolph Churchill. —
Happy Thought. — Not Ireland,
thank you. Take Indian Depart-
ment. Know all about it. Been
there. Why not make Parnell
Chief Secretary for Ireland ?

Mr. Chaplin.—Happy Thought.
—Invent an Agricultural Minis-
ter. I ’m there.

Right Hon. E. Cibson, Q. C.—
Happy Thought.—Office evident.
Title and Pension for hard work
done.

Happy Thought (suggests itself
to several other people). No—not
India — Make Randolph Chief
Secretary for Ireland.

A Deserter's Deserts.

In the Times of the 11th inst.,
among the numerous excuses for
the Liberal Absentees appeared
this:—“ Mr. A. Bbogden explains
that he returned home late, and
got wet, but adds that he received
no special Whip.” This might
suggest a couplet for the Christy
Minstrels:—

Returning home so late and wet,

0 naughty Massa Bbogden !
Why dat no special whip you get ?

You ought to hab bin flogged
den.

“ He hops tjnd sohumps usd makes der time,
Und shows such taste and nous,

Dot dere’s to equal him no vun.

Mine clever Eduard Strauss ! ”

The Liberal Absentees were on
Friday night last “ branded with
the curse of Caine.”

THE TRUE REASONS FOR THE ABSENCE OF THE
LIBERAL MEMBERS.

No. 1 was abroad and had made arrangements to be in town on the
following day.

No. 2 was forbidden to leave his room on a very wet day.

No. 3 had been honeymooning for the last six months, and could
not come home till the end of the week.

No. 4 represented a thirsty Constituency who were much opposed
to increased prices on the national beverages of Gin and Beer.

No. 5 was in a house-boat, expecting a message.

No. 6 had had a very bad settlement on the Derby and was out of
spirits.

No. 7 was coming, only he missed his train.

No. 8 was spending the evening with some Tory friends and did
not know it was so late.

No. 9 did not feel very well, and therefore naturally objected to
any increase in the Death Duties.

No. 10, representing a jovial constituency, could not swallow any
increased duty on old Scotch Whiskey.

No. 11 very sorry, but quite forgot all about it.

No. 12 only had a four-line whip, and never troubles himself under
a fiver.

No. 13 was indisposed in every sense of the word.

No. 14 had such a lot of important engagements on that day that
he could not possibly keep them all.

No. 15 was up Mont Blanc.

No. 16 was up to a triok worth two of coming to Town.

No. 17 made a mistake in the day, and thought it was to-morrow.

No. 18 got wet through, and did not want to be a damper on his party.

No. 19 is so jolly old that he did not think he should be missed.

No. 20 had been told he shouldn’t be wanted. Forgot who told
him ; but quite believed it.

No. 21 went to the Opera Comique, fell asleep, and was not awoke

by anyone leaving the house. Was found by the Fireman, and went
home about 3 a.h. (He hopes Mr. Gladstone will accept tHis excuse,
as his wife won’t.)

No. 22 didn’t think the Division would be vital.

ho. 23 went to see the Ballet at Her Majesty’s, had a little supper
for four afterwards, and did not reach the House till just too late.

No. 24 was not at all well up in figures, and, therefore, always
avoided Budget discussions, and always should.

No. 25 had sat quietly at home, weighing the whole matter care-
fully in his mind, in company with just one bottle of whiskey, and
unaccountably fell asleep, and did not wake till daylight did appear!

Curious.

The Government, now it seems clear,

In neither direction were gainers;

For, threatened by Spirits and Beer,

They owed their defeat to “ Abstainers.”

“ TO WHAT BASS USES ! ”

It appears from a recent telegram from Constantinople, that the
Sultan has at last appointed a Minister of Music, “ with whom,” so
the encouraging despatch continues, “ His Majesty, who is an excel-
lent performer on the pianoforte, is in the habit of frequently playing
long and difficult duetts.” This promises weU for the next European
Concert, where, should the programme, as it often does, break down,
the august and accomplished ruler of Stamboul might possibly be
equal to a solo by himself. His Majesty’s thorough acquaintance
with his own promissory notes no less than his familiarity with the
most brilliant financial suspensions, ought to make such a perform-
ance a very pleasing and entertaining affair; and if he could only be
persuaded to give one of his own celebrated compositions, and secure
at the same time the patronage of his creditors, the Concert might
really pass off with some iclat. At least, the idea is worth a trial.