Punch: Punch (38.1860)

14

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI

[January 14, 18€B.

A NEW FAMILY PAPER.

ark.! —No More Balls,
Evening Parties, or any
other Expense.—The Pho-
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to be published, offers

Seouliar advantages _ to
'arents naturally anxious
to dispose of their grown-
up Daughters in Marriage,
precluding all necessity of
mixing in extravagant
society, and all the cost
and trouble involved in
going to, and giving in
return, soirees, reunions,
dancing and musical parties,
&c. Each advertisement
of a young lady will consist
of an accurate description
of her personal advantages,
accompanied by a sun-por-
trait, by which the exact-
ness of the text will be
capable of being tested,
and which will obviate any danger which may be apprehended
by country gentlemen of “ buying a pig in a poke,” or even of
being induced to deal for the fair creature whose charms may
be unsuited to their peculiar taste. The Photographic Advertiser
offers its columns to the bereaved widow, as _ well as to the
spinster, regardless of years ; the mature conviction of its pro-
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wise open, and those happily gifted with regular features, luxuriant
whiskers, a prepossessing expression, and symmetrical proportions,
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less fortunate in ordinary estimation, will find in the Photographic
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world wide enough for us all, not excepting those who weigh eighteen
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scriptions.

MINISTERS AT A PROVERB.

Anybody who cannot play the drawing-room game of a Proverb is
an Nass whom it were base flattery to call a Muff. But Mr. Punch is
destined to be read in all aft-er time, and in the course of three or four
hundred years the game may be forgotten. Who, except Mr. Punch,
now knows how nine out of ten of the Games of Gargantua, commemo-
rated by Mr. Punch's prototype, Francis Rabelais, were played. They
are Forgotten. And so may the Proverb be. Know, therefore,' 0 friends
of the twenty-second century, that the way to play the Proverb is this :
A player, usually a clever person with shrewdness and the gift of the
gab, is sent out of the room, out of earshot. Then the others select a
proverb, and the number of players being accommodated to the
number of words in the proverb, each takes a word. The discoverer
is called in, and he proposes any one question of any kind to each
player. In the reply must come in the word which that player has had
entrusted to him or her. The discoverer must use his wits, and find
out what was the aphorism that hath been thus fragmentarily pro-
pounded. Give the leading or key-words to the cleverest players who
can wrap them up neatest, and the little expletives to your weaker
vessels and young ones. .Do you understand that, 0 ye subjects of
the Emperor of the United States, 0 ye bigoted Roman Baptists
of St. Peter’s, 0 ye .Evangelical worshippers in St. Sophia’s, O ye
citizens of the Austrian Republic, O ye slaves of the negro King "of
Scotland ?

If so, you will understand the fun Mr. Punch and the Palmerston.
Ministers had on last Twelfth Night as ever was. For they played
the Proverb, and this was the maimer. The dialogue was taken down-
in short-hand by Toby.

Mr. Punch, as incomparably the cleverest of the party, was desired*
to withdraw. So he went out and conversed affably with the extremely
handsome damsel who ministered the ministerial refreshments, and
being after a time re-invited, found the Government sitting in a semi-
circle.

“ Begin at Atherton and end at John Russell, please,” said Mr.
Sidney Herbert.

“ All is serene,” said Mr. Punch, glancing round the array, and
gracefully taking his place across a chair, with the back of it in front
of him.

“ Mr. New Solicitor-General,” began Mr. Punch, “ how do you like
the duties of your office ? ”

“ It is very kind of you to inquire, Mr. Punch. I hope I give satis-
faction,” said the member for Durham.

“ Has he said the word ? ” demanded Mr. Punch, thinking that his-
august presence might have flurried the young statesman.

“ All right, my boy ! ” said Palmerston.

“ Who are you calling boy ? ” retorted Mr. Punch. “ Boy yourself,,
if you come to that! Campbell, what sort of a judge do you think.
Esating is going to make ? ”

“ It’s a vara deeficult problem, Mr. Punch” said the Lord Chan-
cellor, “an’ I canna rightly say that I’m free to gie ye a response,,
my man.”

Mr. Punch looked dubiously round.

“ My Lord has answered, if you translate the intolerable jargon,
called Scotch into Christian English,” said Sir Richard Bethell.

“Christian Young Men’s Association English, Sir Richard?”
asked Mr. Punch, slfly. “ My dear Duke oe Somerset, be pleased*
to favour me, if possible, with a civil answer to the following question
namely, “ Why is it a good thing to be polite to people P ”

“ Neither you, nor the game, nor anybody shall make me admit
that it is a good thing to be polite, Mr. Punch,” snapped the Duke,,
and the others applauded, at which his Grace looked more savage than?
ever.

“ How are your Riflemen getting on, Siddy ? ”

“Capitally,” said Mr. Sidney Herbert. “Not a day passes but I
have a large addition to our National Guard.”

“Glad to hear it. Now, Mr. Attorney, how do you think your
Divorce Court—for really it is your invention—is working?”

“My dear Mr. Punch,” said Sir Richard Bethell, “I can say
with perfect conscientiousness that there is no single act of mine, from-
the date at which I took silk to the present moment, that gives me so-
much unadulterated satisfaction as that which established a tribunal
for the redress of conjugal grievances.”

Mr. Punch addressed Mr. Gladstone.

“ Oh, thou tamer of Homer, when wilt thou take off the Income
Tax?”

“ I could answer you, my dear Mr. Punch, in three ways,” said Mr.
Gladstone.

“But you shan’t, though,” said Mr. Punch. “Once for all.”

“In that case,” said the Chancellor or the Exchequer, “I must
say that an unqualified pledge upon a financial subject is not a thing,
to'be extracted from the custodian of the national purse.”

“Very neat,” said the Premier.

“ Is it ? ” said Mr. Punch. “ Perhaps, then you’ll do the gaudy, and*
tell me whether the Reform Bill is ready ? ”

“Talk to Johnny,” retorted the jaunty Palmerston. _ “I dare say
he’s posted up in domestic details, as he is Foreign Minister; but the
matter’s quite out of my department.”

“Confound your impudence, Pam!” said Punch. “If I believed*
you, there would be a jolly row; but I don’t. Now, Charley Wood,.
how far is it from Calcutta to Melbourne?”

Oh, come, I say! I don’t think you’ve any business to be settin.

when we’re only playing a game
more, I will be blessed if I can

said Sir Charles,
tell you, and that’s-

a chap sums
! “ and what is
all about it.”

“ Answered, or blundered as usual ? ” asked Mr. Punch.

“Blundered, of course!” shouted everybody. “ What did you-
expect ?”

“Eh! ” said Sir Charles, “haven’t I said the word. Bother ! No
more I have. Echo answers in the negative. Give us another
question?”

“ In which Presidency is Benares, Sir Charles ? ” said Mr. Punch.
mildly. “ Take your time.”

“ Well,” said Sir Charles, after a pause, “I don’t profess to know
a great deal of geography, but 1 have an impression that Benares is in
Bombay.”

“He’s said it at last,” cried several voices.

“Hm,” said Mr. Punch, “ I think I see the proverb. Lord Gran
ville, what’s the last canard from Paris ? ”

“I’ve heard nothing these holidays,” said Lord Granville,