Punch: Punch (38.1860)

January 14, 18G0.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

15

“except that the French are quite sure Cobden’s to have a seat in
the Caoinet, after the conversation with the Emperor.”

“Now, my dear Sir George Lewis, as I believe I have found out
the secret, you must wrap up your word very discreetly. What, as a
classical scholar, do you consider the most noble deed performed by the
Ancient Romans ? ”

“Their smashing those Jews,” said the Home Secretary, with a
promptitude that showed he had not forgiven the Mosaic race for the
trouble he had been caused about certain loans, when Chancellor of the
Exchequer. “That was far and away the best thing the Romans ever
did, that demolishing Jerusalem, under Titus, a.d. 60, walking into
the hooknoses like one o’clock, making’em eat sow’s head and sausages
before going to execution, and erecting the Arch of Titus in remem-
brance of that most laudable operation.”

“ Hales,” said Mr. Punch, turning up his thumb, after the manner of
the spectators of gladiator fights, when a victim was floored. “And
now, last and least, my dearly beloved Johnny, do you mean that
Palmerston or yourself shall introduce the Reform Bill of 1860 to
the House of Commons ? ”

“I have no personal vanity to gratify,” said Lord John Russell,
“and I am free to confess that, inasmuch as Lord Palmerston has
the ear of the House, that is a reason why he would introduce the
measure in a popular way. But on the other hand, I am the parent of
the bill, and therefore it may be thought that I ought to bring it in,
inasmuch-”

“That’ll do, John,” said Mr. Punch, “keep the rest for the intro-
ductory speech. I tell you what, my lords and gentlemen, you might
have selected a less vulgar proverb. Of course I know that

“ guu cannot make a silk purse out of a soin’s car.

“ Mind that, if you are thinking of putting political power into the
hands of the ignorant.”

[Loud cheering, and enter the pretty young lady with no end of punch.

The party was left imbibing.]

A RISING CORPS.

A Regiment of boys is being organised in Italy under the patronage
of Garibaldi. This rising corps, which may be addressed literally, in
the words of the Marse liaise, as “ Les Pnfans de la Patrie,” is already
400 strong. It is not often that Punch is opposed to Garibaldi, or
Garibaldi to Punch, but we do protest most emphatically against this
encouragement of a nuisance that cries out more loudly than any other
for suppression. If Garibaldi wanted a regiment of Italian Boys,
why didn’t he organise a corps out of those that infest the streets of
London, and appoint Mr. Babbage his recruiting-sergeant ? They
would have made rather a formidable body, as their powers are well-
known for driving everybody before them, and effectually clearing the
street at any time.

COMIC CHRONOLOGY.

a table showing the antiquity of jokes.

b.c, 999. The Sphinx invents the riddle “When’s a door not a
door?” Upwards of ten thousand lives are lost through inability to
answer it.

b.c. 900. Archimedes asks Solon, “Wherewas the first nail hit ?”
Whereto Solon shows his wisdom by replying, “ On the head.”

B.c. 878. Nero, on the point of setting fire to Rome, observes that
he intends to “ throw a light upon his subjects.”
b c. 850. At a supper par$ given at the house of Areopagus, the
first attempts are made to pun on “tongue” and “trifle.”
b.c. 800. Sophocles, while taking his usual “constitutional,” is
accosted by a wag who asks him, “ Pray what makes more noise than
a pig under a gate ? ” Socrates spends upwards of ten minutes in
reflection, and then replies he doesn’t know, unless it be a “babby.”
b.c. 799. The joke of “ Who stole the donkey?” is introduced by
Hector, on observing that Achilles has come out in a white helmet.

b.c. 777. Quintus Curtius, preparing to plunge into the chasm,
remarks, that though it looks like a good opening for a young man, he
has very little doubt that he ’ll be taken in and done for.

b.c. 690. Xantippe, meeting Socrates at an evening party, as-
tonishes the sage by inquiring in a whisper, “ Has your mother sold
her mangle ? ”

b.c. 681. JuliusCjesar invents the celebrated riddle, “What smells
most in a doctor’s shop ?” To which Scipio Africanus makes reply,
“I Nose!”

b.c. 655. Epaminondas is accosted by a small boy in the Forum,
who asks him, “ Why a miller wears a white hat ? ” Epaminondas
being nonplussed is compelled to give it up; whereat the small boy
grins and says, “It’s ’cos he wants to keep his head warm.”
b.c. 568. At a Civil Service Examination for the government of
Athens, Euclid first propounds the problem, “If a herring and a half
can be bought for three halfpence, how many can be purchased for
eleven pence?” Nineteen candidates are plucked through incapacity
to solve it.

b c. 500. The comic observation that “ Here we are again! ” is in-
troduced by Caesar’s ghost at the meeting at Philippi.

b.c. 456. Romulus, inventor of the riddle, asketh Remus, “Where
was Moses when the candle went out?” Remus makes reply that he
was upkis skin, and adds that when Moses jumped out he (Romulus)
might jump in.

b.c. 444. At the wedding of Thucydides with Helen of Troy, the
conundrum is first asked, “Why do we all go to bed?” Eleven of
the dozen bridesmaids go off into hysterics, on being told that, “It’s
because the bed won’t come to us! ”
b c. 303. Diogenes, while dancing a a ndu-a with Antigone, in a
lull of conversation cries out, “ Pray, Miss, who’s your hatter? ”

POPE AND POLE.

Punch’s prescience is infallible. The ex-Pole M. Walewski, im-
patient of the Napoleonic attack on priestly despotism, has resigned.
And truly, resignation, with two estates and £5000 a year, as a
parting gift, is an easy martyrdom. Besides which, all the decorations
with which a courtier’s coat can be spangled are M. Walewski’s. As
A Pole, but not his, says—

“ Stars unnumbered gild the glowing Pole.”

And now perhaps M. Walewsict, making way for M. Thouvenel
as the Emferor’s Foreign Minister, will betake himself to Rome, in
whose cause he has suffered thus terribly7, and receive the blessing of
the Holy Father of Perugia. Touching that blessed parent, it may be
mentioned that Mr. Layard (Punch is glad to welcome him to work
again) lias just disinterred the fact that while the Austrians were
occupying Bologna, and committing all the cruelties that their priests
applaud, the Pope interfered once only. Was it to save life ? Was it
to restrain brutality? Why, we are speaking of Pius IX. An Austrian
officer bad slaughtered a boy of seventeen, and as there was a rule
that boys must be eighteen before Austrians could lawfully slaughter
them, the Pope came forward with a Pardon to the butcher who Lad
been a little too zealous in the service of the Faith. Will M.
Walewski mention to his friend in the Vatican, that this little cha-
racteristic of the amiable Pontiff is now circulated throughout the
world, and add Mr. Punch’s best regards, and assurances, that none of
Pio NoNo’s good deeds shall be forgotten by Puncho Primo ? But
if, as is not improbable, the whole Walewski affair is merely a shuffle
of cards, we shall one day see the peat French acrobat again balancing
bis Pole, and in the mean time we may leave the Pole to balance
his exceedingly comforting books. Never did renegadism rule higher
in the market.