Punch: Punch (46.1864)

120_PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [March 19, 1864.

PUNCH’S ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

March 7, Monday, The Committee for defending London from rail-
way invasion has reported, and Lord Granville had the pleasure of
announcing, and Lord Punch of hearing, that seven of the schemes
have been summarily knocked on the head. There is something like
system in the arrangement of the lines whose promoters are to be allowed
to make out their case if they can. Moreover, the companies are to be
compelled to work together, so that one’s journey may not be broken in
consequence of inter-railwayical malignity. Stick to this provision, our
Lords and Gentlemen, and give a traveller, whether on business or
pleasure, the means of recovering damages should he be detained five
minutes at any point between Kew and the Isle of Dogs, or between
Streatham and Hornsey.

The Attorney-General stated that either Pederal or Confederate
ships were entitled to capture British ships carrying contraband to the
port of the captor’s enemy. But in each case the prize must be taken
to a Prize Court. Therefore, adds Mr. Punch, the Alabama is a pirate,
and Captain Semmes, when he reads this, will feel uncomfortable in
the region circumvented by his cravat.

Mr. Disraeli requested Lord Palmerston’s sentiments touching
the German burglary in Jutland. The Premier replied that the whole
invasion was an outrage and an injustice, and of course the Jutland
addition was an aggravation. But we had let the Germans understand our
opinion of their entire conduct, and it was not worth while squabbling
as to each separate step they took. This is contemptuous enough, but
the Germans are pachydermatous. Shall we put it plainer for the beer-
swillers. When you have apprised a man that you consider him a thief
and a scoundrel, you do not watch him for a bit, and then add, “ and I
also deem you a low cad.”

Mr. Gladstone then explained the Government Annuities Bill. He
took two hours about it, and his speech was a treat. The object of the
Bill is to give the Working Classes a system of safe Life Assurance.
They are, to their honour, very earnest in this matter, and have about
30,000 Friendly Societies of various kinds. But these are mostly based
upon false principles, and between 8 and 9000 of them have become
bankrupt, while about 100 fail every year-. The misery thus caused to
honest folks, who have been keeping up payments out of their earnings,
in the faith that they were making provision for the future, can be under-
stood. Government, in the most legitimate discharge of the duty of a

Governor, proposes to establish a State Assurance, as it established, to
the inconceivable benefit of the people, State Savings Banks. The
nation will guarantee the payment of the policy, but as the system will1
be sound, the nation will incur no risk. There is the case, and it seems
strange that there can be any objection to an act of common humanity.
The pick of the Conservatives at once signified approbation of the
scheme, but the Party emits clamours, and in the interest of greedy
insurance offices, of inferior type, whose Touts are rampant all over the
country, and in the interest of the keepers of public-houses where
Friendly Societies convene, there will be a demonstration, in which the
enemies of the Ministry will not be ashamed to join. Mr. Gladstone
made such a merciless exposure of the vices of the present system, and
Mr. Bovill, Conservative lawyer, told such tales of cases in which
defrauders of the poor had come under the unfavourable notice of a
sworn dozen of their countrymen, that there was an unusual sensation.
Lord Stanley applauded the Bill. You can’t pull down a dirty old-
house without disturbing the Vested Interests of rats, but dirty old
houses must come down for all that. Mr. Punch advises the Working
Classes of the land to address Mr. Gladstone, who is a second time
giving them an invaluable boon.

Tuesday. The Peers fired up. Lord Shaftesbury, the Premier’s
near connection and bishop-maker, demanded to hear what the British
fleet was about. The Germans were waging a war which was wanton
and disgraceful beyond any recorded in history. If the Austrians sent
a fleet to the Baltic, Lord Shaftesbury hoped that it would be met by a
British fleet, with orders to defend Denmark. So spoke the represen-
tative of the Religious World. Lord Ellenborough asked whether
Earl Russell would stand by and see an iniquitous crime perpetrated.
Lord Grey for once agreed with somebody, and that was Lord
Ellenborough, and moreover wished that Parliament could be allowed
to declare its opinions. Then a third Liberal peer. Lord Harrowby,
thought the Channel Fleet should be sent to the Baltic. Earl
Russell, thus incited, said that noble Lords could not expect him to
declare war on his own responsibility, and added that we should not go to
war for the Independence of Denmark, if that object could be
obtained without War. The fleet could easily be got to the Baltic,
and he did not think that Austrian and Prussian ships would like to
encounter those of Queen Victoria. Having relieved our minds, us
noblemen then went to dinner.

Mr. Milner Gibson stated the contents of the London Railways
Report, which was adopted, after attempts to save certain of the
schemes. Sir Joseph Paxton certainly gave some singularly strong
reasons why one of the rejected lines should have been preferred to. an
accepted one, but Lord Stanley thought that the House, haying
handed over the subject to the Committee, ought to accept its decisions,
or else go into every separate case. So thought the House.

Mr. Darby Griffith’s mind is dreadfully harassed about telegrams
and despatches, and Mr. Layard, after a desperate effort to disinter
the honourable Member from a chaotic confusion of ideas, and being
still told that he had not explained himself, gave up the task, and the
House laughed, and cried “order” to Mr. Darby Griffith. But we
do not see why any person should be laughed at for trying to increase
his stock of knowledge.

Mr. Disraeli. Papers ?

Lord Palmerston. No more now, but more soon.

However disagreeable the word may be to the public, we are com-
pelled to write it. Education. We will be as short as possible. The
country gentlemen had been awfully well whipped, and the Opposition
benches were crowded. The aim was only to compel Mr. Lowe to give up
a portion of an Education Minute, which ordained that the Government
grant obtainable by a school on the capitation principle should be
lessened by the amount of the endowment of such school. Those who
are interested in the. question know all about it, and those who are not
will be quite satisfied to know that in the presence of an overwhelming
majority, Mr Lowe and the Government gave way.

A Committee was appointed to inquire into the working of the
Schools of Art, which are helped with public money. As Mr. Pmich,
who directs the greatest School of Art in the world, is entirely supported
by public money, and as he has no time to be bothering in a committee
room, answering idiotic questions, he begs to tender his evidence
en bloc. His School works in the best possible manner, and it will be
a wiry time for anybody who presumes to dispute that statement.

Wednesday. An Dish Policeman is as fine looking and- soldierly a fellow
as you—especially if you are a handsome Housemaid—can desire to
hand cold meat to on a summer’s day. But the Lish Judges do not
think his efficiency equal to his magnificence, and. SirH. Bruce wished
to appoint other constables for watching the Irish towns. There was
rather a hot debate. Sir R. Peel naturally stood up for the Peelers,
but was not so respectful in mention of the Judges as might have been
expected from his well-known reticence and good tasi e. He received
divers knocks for his irreverence, but the Bill was defeated.

Mr. Ewart moved the Second Reading of a Bill permitting people to
use the Metric System. It was seconded by Mr. Locke ; not opposed
by Government, though Mr. Gibson declined to assist in working the