DOI Heft:
February 3, 1866
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.16877#0051
February 3, 1866.]
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
43
DREAMS OF THE TWO EMPERORS.
with me (a most energetic fellow, though now too much given to growling and roaring),
not scavenge from the streets, trucks carrying nothing that stopped the way more than——’
‘ Polisson /’ said Louis, poking me in the ribs with his forefinger: oddly enough, I feel it now.”
[! ” cried Mrs Judy.
“ I’ve dreamt,” said Mr. Punch, who was
by this lime (11 30 a.m., being an early riser),
in his flowered dressing-gown.
“ Dreamt that you dwelt in marble halls?”
inquired Mrs. Judy, yawning.
“ No, my dear,” returned her husband,
seriously, sipping his early chocolate, “ 1 dreamt
that I met somebody else, who had also dreamt
—in fact, 1 dreamt,” continued Mr. Punch,
meditatively, “ that he dreamt that-” Here
he paused, and extricated himself from the
meshes ofhis sentence.
Toby sat up for toast.
“What did you dream?” asked Madame,
becoming lazily interested.
“ Curiosity thy name is Julia ! ” said Mr.
Punch, playfully placing a morsel of rotie on
Toby’s nose.
Toby waited for the word “ three.”
Mr. Punch forgot all about him and his toast.
“I dreamt,” said Mr. Punch, more appa-
rently as a confidence between himself and the
fire-irons, than as addressing his fair spouse,
“that I was in Paris at the Tile-Kilns; the
Tuileries,” Mr. Punch explained, “having
been a place where hats, or tiles, were made,
and crowns fitted-”
“ Yes,” said Julia.
Mr. Punch was pleased with the interrup-
tion, and continued without noticing it, while
Toby sat on his hind legs, anxiously regarding
his master, but by him disregarded.
“ At the Tile-Kilns, talking to my dear cousin
Louis, who told me that he had had a dream.”
Here, in memory of his cousin, Mr. Punch
lighted a fragrant Havannah.
Toby winced, but the toast remained un-
disturbed.
“ Said Louis to me,” resumed Mr. Punch,
inspecting the lighted end of his cigar, “‘I
dreamt I was King of England. Odd, that! ’ ”
Mr. Punch studied the bars of the fire-place
for a second, and then went on. “ ‘ Yes,’ said
Louis to me, ‘ I dreamt that 1 had autocratic
metropolitan power for a short time in London.’
“ * What did your Majesty do ? ’ 1 asked.
“‘What! 1 found all your municipal au-
thorities talking, and I worked. I began,
Sir, by making a clean sweep of such places as
Holywell Street; and from Charing Cross to
the City there was one grand broad way.’ I
suggested,” said Mr. Punch, musingly, “that
St. Paul’s was a difficulty. ‘Bah!’ replied
the Emperor, ‘ I knocked Paternoster Row
down, and demolished the crannies, the old
houses, the nooks, and alleys, while the Dean
and Chapter were in bed. I took away the
railings that guard the Cathedral, and Sir
Christopher’s work seemed, with a new lease
of life, to rise majestically towards Heaven.
Then, Sir, aided by the Unicorn from the Royal
Arms, I tunnelled London, diverting the heavy
traffic of vans and waggons from the public
thoroughfares. Then, Sir, the Lion co-operating
lashed with his tail the scavengers who did
‘ Lady So-and-So’s carriage,’ I suggested.
Toby winked: he had no more moved than the unhappy Pompeian sentinel on duty. “ The Emperor said,” Mr. Punch, continued
“ ‘ 1 forbade engines to scream in or within five miles of the Metropolis, and I took away all their powers of building bridges over the
streets until they had invented some way of running trains on them without any noise.’
Or,’ I observed, said Mr. Punch to himself, ‘until the horses should get accustomed to them.’ ‘ That’s Irish,’ said Louis. I explained
that I was not for an age or a place, but for any age and every country. ‘ Je vous crois, mon enfant,’ said the Emperor, quoting Paul of the
Adelphi. I made in one hour, a clear way from the National Gallery to Westminster Abbey; I turned on the water in the Trafalgar Square
iountains; I turned off the pepper-castors from the gallery ; I, with my own hands, placed the four lions at the base of Nelson’s Column.’ He
looked grave at the mention of this hero, but went on quickly, ‘and I beheaded or shot all builders who would not build good substantial
houses; I swept with one prodigious mortar all organs, German bands, and wandering minstrels from the streets ; I gave Punch his safe
corners for exhibition out of compliment to—’ ‘Don’t mention it,’ I said. We shook hands. ‘I tied up all who would not tie up or
muzzle their dogs; I reorganised all workhouses and prisons, and ordered that all owners and drivers of water-carts should be flogged once a-day
until they came out when they were wanted ; I trebled the number of police, and told them that Louis expected every man to do his duty; I
visited prisons for debt, sponging-houses, and found that poor debtors, in for small sums, were obliged to pay eighteen shillings for a dinner,
two guineas for a private room, and were at the mercy of their gaolers. These gaolers of sponging-houses. Sir, I whipped and dismissed, and
ordered one moderate tariff to be observed; and I discriminated between the honest, but unfortunate man, and the miscalculating
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
43
DREAMS OF THE TWO EMPERORS.
with me (a most energetic fellow, though now too much given to growling and roaring),
not scavenge from the streets, trucks carrying nothing that stopped the way more than——’
‘ Polisson /’ said Louis, poking me in the ribs with his forefinger: oddly enough, I feel it now.”
[! ” cried Mrs Judy.
“ I’ve dreamt,” said Mr. Punch, who was
by this lime (11 30 a.m., being an early riser),
in his flowered dressing-gown.
“ Dreamt that you dwelt in marble halls?”
inquired Mrs. Judy, yawning.
“ No, my dear,” returned her husband,
seriously, sipping his early chocolate, “ 1 dreamt
that I met somebody else, who had also dreamt
—in fact, 1 dreamt,” continued Mr. Punch,
meditatively, “ that he dreamt that-” Here
he paused, and extricated himself from the
meshes ofhis sentence.
Toby sat up for toast.
“What did you dream?” asked Madame,
becoming lazily interested.
“ Curiosity thy name is Julia ! ” said Mr.
Punch, playfully placing a morsel of rotie on
Toby’s nose.
Toby waited for the word “ three.”
Mr. Punch forgot all about him and his toast.
“I dreamt,” said Mr. Punch, more appa-
rently as a confidence between himself and the
fire-irons, than as addressing his fair spouse,
“that I was in Paris at the Tile-Kilns; the
Tuileries,” Mr. Punch explained, “having
been a place where hats, or tiles, were made,
and crowns fitted-”
“ Yes,” said Julia.
Mr. Punch was pleased with the interrup-
tion, and continued without noticing it, while
Toby sat on his hind legs, anxiously regarding
his master, but by him disregarded.
“ At the Tile-Kilns, talking to my dear cousin
Louis, who told me that he had had a dream.”
Here, in memory of his cousin, Mr. Punch
lighted a fragrant Havannah.
Toby winced, but the toast remained un-
disturbed.
“ Said Louis to me,” resumed Mr. Punch,
inspecting the lighted end of his cigar, “‘I
dreamt I was King of England. Odd, that! ’ ”
Mr. Punch studied the bars of the fire-place
for a second, and then went on. “ ‘ Yes,’ said
Louis to me, ‘ I dreamt that 1 had autocratic
metropolitan power for a short time in London.’
“ * What did your Majesty do ? ’ 1 asked.
“‘What! 1 found all your municipal au-
thorities talking, and I worked. I began,
Sir, by making a clean sweep of such places as
Holywell Street; and from Charing Cross to
the City there was one grand broad way.’ I
suggested,” said Mr. Punch, musingly, “that
St. Paul’s was a difficulty. ‘Bah!’ replied
the Emperor, ‘ I knocked Paternoster Row
down, and demolished the crannies, the old
houses, the nooks, and alleys, while the Dean
and Chapter were in bed. I took away the
railings that guard the Cathedral, and Sir
Christopher’s work seemed, with a new lease
of life, to rise majestically towards Heaven.
Then, Sir, aided by the Unicorn from the Royal
Arms, I tunnelled London, diverting the heavy
traffic of vans and waggons from the public
thoroughfares. Then, Sir, the Lion co-operating
lashed with his tail the scavengers who did
‘ Lady So-and-So’s carriage,’ I suggested.
Toby winked: he had no more moved than the unhappy Pompeian sentinel on duty. “ The Emperor said,” Mr. Punch, continued
“ ‘ 1 forbade engines to scream in or within five miles of the Metropolis, and I took away all their powers of building bridges over the
streets until they had invented some way of running trains on them without any noise.’
Or,’ I observed, said Mr. Punch to himself, ‘until the horses should get accustomed to them.’ ‘ That’s Irish,’ said Louis. I explained
that I was not for an age or a place, but for any age and every country. ‘ Je vous crois, mon enfant,’ said the Emperor, quoting Paul of the
Adelphi. I made in one hour, a clear way from the National Gallery to Westminster Abbey; I turned on the water in the Trafalgar Square
iountains; I turned off the pepper-castors from the gallery ; I, with my own hands, placed the four lions at the base of Nelson’s Column.’ He
looked grave at the mention of this hero, but went on quickly, ‘and I beheaded or shot all builders who would not build good substantial
houses; I swept with one prodigious mortar all organs, German bands, and wandering minstrels from the streets ; I gave Punch his safe
corners for exhibition out of compliment to—’ ‘Don’t mention it,’ I said. We shook hands. ‘I tied up all who would not tie up or
muzzle their dogs; I reorganised all workhouses and prisons, and ordered that all owners and drivers of water-carts should be flogged once a-day
until they came out when they were wanted ; I trebled the number of police, and told them that Louis expected every man to do his duty; I
visited prisons for debt, sponging-houses, and found that poor debtors, in for small sums, were obliged to pay eighteen shillings for a dinner,
two guineas for a private room, and were at the mercy of their gaolers. These gaolers of sponging-houses. Sir, I whipped and dismissed, and
ordered one moderate tariff to be observed; and I discriminated between the honest, but unfortunate man, and the miscalculating